The Tug-of-War

So how do I experience the mental ward? Being an empath and having a diagnosed as schizophrenia paranoia gives me trust issue when it comes to the people at the medical unit. Sharing my feelings and talk about my problems with them means the risk of getting a higher dosage of Zyprexa which will eventually numb my emotions again.

Yeah, sure they listen, but they will always write a rapport where they think I need more medicine because NOW I’m too emotional charged with something I feel affected of either it’s the energy I absorbed at the ward or because I recently had to say goodbye to my best friend. (I have been to irrelevant with my messages and giving of too much information which she has no interest in knowing, and she cautiously asks me to back off. I took it personally because it was new to me that she didn’t want to keep in touch due to whatever she is going through at the moment. Even so, I didn’t make a fuss, all I said was ”Ok, I get it, now at least I know where I stand when it comes to our friendship.” Everything has changed between us; we’re not what we used to be. The feeling of sadness was intense enough for me to shed tears and I thought it would help to talk about it while being at the ward).

All this makes me think, “Am I too much?” After opening up to my contact person at the ward, lo’ and behold, I cried in front of her, and suddenly through my sniffing, she mentioned about the higher dosage of medicine my psychiatric intend to give me. (I have never like to cry in front of anyone because I don’t want to be seen as weak or dramatic). I felt like I made a mistake by being so open about how I feel regarding my feelings towards what happened with my best friend. I swear never to open up my mouth to talk about how I feel or think to anyone at all from now onwards. I will stick to my blogs and instead vent about stuff that strangers could read. I read a quote or meme on Pinterest where it says “I should have trusted my trust issue,” it feels on point at this moment.

I don’t know if locking myself within a shell is a good idea, but why do I need to change how I prefer things? Crying alone has helped me a lot when there are too many intense emotions which are hard to describe with words. And I’m not someone who would complain to others about my problems… Or even talk much about myself. So why should I start now? Sure, people will understand me more, and it would be easy for them to know how to treat me, but it also means that I get easily hurt too.

I feel I have a tug-of-war when it comes to letting people in or shutting them out. To suffer silently without telling anyone would maybe give me the space to heal on my own pace. All I need now is to find the strength even to start healing. The idea of “fixing” myself is far-fetched because what I need is not to be fixed, what I need are understanding and love, but I can’t ask others to do that for me, I get to do it myself. Meaning that self-love required to come from within the self, not from someone else or something else outside.

Maybe someone can teach me how to give a f**k. Right now all I’m thinking of is to curl into a ball and lie beneath the blanket and listen to songs that describe how I feel.

PS: I’m not giving up or giving in, I just thought I should surrender myself to the divine light, surrender everything to Father God.

a.a