I’m staring into space and let my mind wander. A thought comes to mind – “start over, pretends you never had a past.” My past has never been a dance on the rose since birth nothing has been smooth and from the day I realized my freedom was taken away from me, and the adults in my life have served me nothing but lies, I was on the path as a seeker.
I sought for the truth of why I was here on earth, why I was born and what comes after death. In my teenage years, I spent most of my time living in my head. I had few friends and was not popular at all in school. People saw me as this odd girl with no care for the world while I had thousands of thoughts in my head and tons of troubles at home. I would usually skip school and escape to the library where I found solace in books.
My mom was almost never present, and I had to take care of my younger siblings on top of trying to take care of myself while looking for my answers to the truth of my existence. I felt invincible and yet trapped because of my responsibilities. I never thought of myself as weird, but I did feel I was different from everyone else with all my thoughts and my calm demeanor, I spoke very little, and I was mostly quiet. Whenever we had a written task in class, I would write about sad stories that reflect my life which I never speak of.
Being quiet has always been one of my traits. I never speak for the sake of talking, if no one asks I would remain silent and even when someone asks I would find difficulty in articulating my answers. Expressing myself out loud was never easy and never my strongest point (I’m better at it now than before, but sometimes I would catch myself preparing for the speech), and probably that was the reason why people misunderstood me more than I would want them to be. I was very private, and no one could penetrate my secret world because I was terrifying that people would see through my vulnerability, so it was better to keep things for myself since the world was a “dangerous” place for someone like me.
“Start over,” might be a good idea, and I want to focus on building my future than wallowing in the past. Besides, right now, I’m the grandest version of myself, but there’s one thing I want to bring back from the past into this present moment, the attitude of not caring if people would like me or not because that was how I was. I never cared how I look for others since I spent the most time in my head – creating a world where I feel at home and whether people understand me now or not doesn’t matter. The most important thing is feeling a sense of belonging within myself and accept the girl I used to be.
Forgetting my past means forgetting everyone that was once there and left. I will start over.