And when you thought everything is sailing smoothly another layer of the onion needs to be peeled off.
I thought I was better at loving myself, but then someone or something triggered me, and I’m back at square one. It’s like the skeleton in the closet just jumped out and scared the shit out of me, which I thought I cleared out a long time ago. The emotional baggage that hasn’t been unpacked needs my attention, and this time around I can’t procrastinate and wish it would disappear. I need to air it out and go through every little feeling that lingered since I had avoided looking at it.
Now I’m looking at it – oh, boy, it’s really a mess. There are unresolved issues with my family, mostly with my mom, it has shown up as red flags since I thought to live with her was my way of forgiving her, but as time goes by I got stressed out, and the sight of her makes me feel so irritable. Living under the same roof makes me feel like I need to escape, and that’s something I tried to avoid, and I want to resolve the issue with peace as an adult. I don’t want the problem to prolong.
Forgiveness doesn’t come easy when there’s a lack of communication between us, and I don’t need her to say she is sorry for all the things she has done towards me in the past, all I need and want is to be heard and get my needs met.
Mom has always been temperamental, and scary when she gets angry, and it has been a real struggle between us for as long as I know. As an empath, I would yield and let her have her way until I reached my limits. She as a dominant and manipulative parent would make everything difficult for me. When she needed me to have an earful of yelling, she would sit across me and denied me of any feeling that erupted inside me because I probably didn’t do things right, even though in my right mind I felt I did my best to please her. And when I tried to stand up for myself and speak my mind, she would accuse me of being disrespectful, and the hardest thing was holding back tears when I wanted to cry because even that was not allowed. A lot of repressed emotions was bury beneath a “happy” smile for so long that I didn’t know they were there.
She controlled my every move and dictated me to do and say as she wished and pushed my limits and she knew how to manipulate me. She could nag when she needed something and when she felt she wasn’t getting what she wanted she would say “you do as I say because you love me.” In my teenage years, she even threatened to take her love away if I didn’t comply with her wish.
I never knew that my childhood with my mother would give me so much trouble later in my life, and now I’m 32 years old in dire need to move out for myself needed to sit down and talk to her eyes to eyes, open up and once again state my needs aloud. The table had turned because she needed me so much that she has to yield to my wish, I call it negotiating. I have developed this skill because of her. I don’t compromise, because it would disempower me, but instead, I’m willing to negotiate. Mom has witnessed my psychosis, and it had scared her many times seeing me being a completely different person. I don’t want to go into details, but everyone in the family has seen me with psychosis, and it sure was no fun for them.
Mom has changed a lot even though there’re still things she couldn’t change, but I don’t have the time to walk her through those changes, I can only change my attitude towards her. Now that I know myself better it’s wise to sit down and have a heartful discussion on what needs to be done because I’m losing weight and the phagophobia doesn’t vibe with stress. And luckily she loves me as much as I love her since she is willing to listen and do her best to understand me.
Throughout the years that have gone by I have, as I said, reading a lot of self-help books. There was a lot of anger inside me which I later understand was because I was hurt and wounded. When you are angry, it’s because you are hurt, or something injustice is happening towards you. There is no end to my shadow work, and every time I peel off a layer of feelings, I discovered another layer, and I have peeled off so many layers of emotions that I had repressed for so long that I become distressed and frustrated.
“When will it end? How much love do I need to pour into my heart and soul to feel whole again?”
Fortunately, with each experience of the psychosis, I grow mentally stronger. I don’t know how it happened, but I believe my connection with my higher-self has helped me. Being spiritual conscious helped me through the ordeal a lot, and it helps me to cope with the thought of being hospitalized. The ascension process has also pushed me to communicate my feelings out loud and talk about them, and if I don’t confront the problem, I will feel claustrophobic. Again the ascension process leads me to the claustrophobic feelings, in which it helps me to set myself free because it’s uncomfortable to walk around with unresolved issues.
As an INFJ I could easily do the “door slam,” since well, I have had enough of emotionally draining and hurts, but I don’t want my mom to feel worried, and I want harmony above all else. I have to cut her some slack by understanding that it hasn’t been easy for her either. The solution is obvious; I need space for myself away from her. I can do the “door slam” to just anyone I want if I feel they have crossed my boundaries, but I still love my mom a lot… but at times I wished I was a hermit living in the forest without anyone to bother me with anything.
(I thought about Buddha, he went and left his family and fortune, it was so easy because he wanted to save his family and people by finding a way to end the suffering. And here I am, envision a peaceful world where everyone can live in harmony, but unfortunately, I’m not Siddharta Gautama, I’m just a girl with hope and dreams for a better future for everyone involved. But Buddha never said I couldn’t be a Buddha, and Jesus never said I couldn’t be love… so…)
From the trials of growing up, I thank God that I had a mom who taught me how to know when someone is manipulative, deceitful, liars and even narcissistic. And the curse could also be a blessing, as an empath who feel so profoundly it’s truly nothing better to live as if the universe is always moving in static motion within me.
The solution is on its way, and there is still hope for me.