The Heart’s Desire

When going through the motion of 50 shades of sadness, the “dark night of the soul,” you are shedding away the density that has held you back from living your dreams, living life according to how you know is right for you. Whatever you do, don’t give up your own truth. The light will bring you clarity; it’s information that comes through to help you to feel less burdened and having a feeling of being lighter in mind and heart.

I set my sails towards my dreams, and it manifests itself in the 3rd dimension reality. I’m currently waiting to move out on my own and start a new life, the life I know is right for me because of my heart which desires to live in the truth as who I am and not what others want me to be.

Living with my family has been an experience of safety, but it was very co-dependent between them and me, and to move on I had to cut the energetic cords between us so that I will be able to help them better as an example. I have always been independent for as long as I knew and grew up as someone who was highly sensitive with an INFJ personality I developed many skills and understand how I function. But to be better at living in harmony with other people I had to first accept myself for who I am, and express my truth with confidence so that people will have a clear understanding that who I am shouldn’t be a threat to who they are.

When I thought I love myself enough, another layer of fear started to appear regarding my phagophobia (the fear of swallowing food). I tried so hard to eat, but whenever I have food in my mouth the anxiety kicks in, and it’s something that is so easy or should be simple makes me cringe and hate myself for not being able to make it through. “You got one job! Chew and swallow! How is that so hard!?” I screamed internally and this, in turn, made me have a severe love talk with myself. “You either calm down and start over, and love yourself, or else I will take over.” Who is this person who will take over? Well, I know it would be my higher self who would want to take over because I was in a destruction mode and I knew if I don’t do anything to get over that mode I might do some severe damage.

I beg Mother Venus and Mother Mary to help me, all the Gods and Goddesses, Archangels and Ascended Masters, and what I got from them was “Go back to the ward,” (So here I am at the ward at the moment writing this). And that night Mother Venus sang to me, and she calmed me down so that I would be able to go to sleep. No, it’s not psychosis, it was more like telepathy, and I had to sing it out loud, but not my own words. Singing has helped me a lot, especially when it comes from the heart because there at the Heart-space sanctuary, the divine feminine is residing and she always express love uniquely.

I understand I have to change the way I nurture and love myself, especially when it comes to the fear of swallowing food. Patience is required, extreme patience, and I also being guided to see myself as a little child, and this could point to my inner child. I can’t scream at a child because it couldn’t eat out of fear, I wouldn’t want to do that to a child, so I shouldn’t do such a thing to my inner child either.

“Love thyself,” is what I’m hearing. Pour more love into the womb, into the inner child and practice extreme patience. No amount of hate would fix this problem, and it’s not a problem to fix, it’s a psychological issue that requires tremendous love and patience.

Whatever you go through or has been through is not something that you need to fix. You can correct yourself without shame or guilt in every waking moment, but in the end, how much love you pour into yourself is what matter the most, and with love there is forgiving.

Is there anything in the past that makes you feel less than or is there any regret? If there is a yes, then remember to forgive yourself and practice “ho’oponopono.”

I will remind you again, “love thyself,” love yourself for who you are at this moment. The you that needs your acceptance, forgiveness, and love exist in this present moment. Release the old you because the past can’t be changed, and as you may know, the future depends on what you choose now, and it’s unknown, unsettling as long as you don’t dare to live according to what you heart desire.

“We betray our true self, when we do not follow the heart’s desire, for what the heart is attracted to, is your destiny.”
– Leon Brown

Confusion is not my cup of tea so I will live my truth while practicing acceptance, patience, and love for myself. I have already set my sails towards my heart desire, within the flow of life even how slow it goes, I know I will arrive at my destination safely.

a.a

Honesty Is The Best Policy

Every time I sit down to have a meal I feel like I’m going into a battle. I have this hate-love relationship with solid food; hate because of the fear of swallowing it and love because I do love tasty, delicious food.

I tried to date back to when this anxiety started to happen so many times and even discussed it with my friends, but to be honest, I never understand what it could be. There were two incidents I could remember which traumatized me while I experienced them.

1) I remember I was taking a sleeping pill which didn’t descend since I could feel the lump in my throat. I was anxious, so I told my roommate about it, and he said “Can you breathe? If you can then it’s nothing to worry, drink a lot of water, and it will eventually descend.” And he further explained that when you choke, you will undoubtedly cough and it will be hard to breathe. He was so calm when he told all these things, so I didn’t get a panic attack. I did what he said. I was trying to breathe normally and drank a lot of water, but to my dismay, I could still feel the lump.

2) I was sleeping at my best friend house, and I had this dream which I felt like a nightmare. I dreamt that my niece choked on something round and big, (I can’t recall what it was) but I was the one who felt she was choking which was odd (but dreams are always unexplainable and weird), and I was trying to swallow but couldn’t. The choking sensation was so real that I woke up in the middle of the night with sweat and heavy breaths.

(Later my little sister told me that my niece did choke on some candy, and luckily my little sister and her husband’s family was there to give my niece a Heimlich maneuver. Everything went well.)

I have always had dreams that come true which I don’t know is good or bad, but the feeling of déjà vu often comes up. As an empath, we do have that kind of ability. Having prophetic dreams is incredible, but usually, I wouldn’t know if it would happen in the real world or not, and that leads me to discard them as just dreams.

It was hard to trust my own gut instinct, or intuition when people often didn’t believe in me and also because I have suffered a great deal of low self-esteem since childhood which caused me to not believe in myself more often than not. (I’m better at it now than before).

Anyway, when I started on medication, and suddenly one day sitting at the dinner table I felt there was a lump in my throat, and when I tried to eat, I was so anxious that I lied to my family that I wasn’t hungry. Later I went to the doctor and got it checked out, but they didn’t find anything unusual. It was a psychological issue, and not a physiological one. It was tough. No matter how many times I chew my food, I still couldn’t swallow it, and it was so frustrating that I gave up trying to eat. The frustrating part was because I got anxious and nervous each time that I would rather starve myself and go for ice cream that melts than eating my favorite foods. And I don’t usually eat “sweet.” My doctor prescribed me nutrition drinks full of protein and advice me to go for soup for awhile while he also prescribed me more medicine which was Sobril (Oxazepam). I tried to take them once or two times but swallowing pills equal swallowing food so you can imagine how hard it was for me. Because of my phagophobia, the doctor has also switched my anti-psychotic medicines (Zyprexa/Olanzapine) to melting pills.

The downside to going to therapy is that they usually want you to take medicine to damper your symptoms instead of helping you to understand your emotions. I don’t take cold or flu medicine, what I do is rest when I feel I’m sick, but since my awakening in 2011, the wake-up call was just too dramatic that it gave me a medicine ticket “for life.” In my case, there’s no chance of talking to the therapist or doctor about spirituality or ascension. I feel I’m under “their” (lower vibrational entities) radar. I felt this apathy for a long while because my feelings were numb, and the phagophobia made me lose weight so much that I thought life was getting boring and hard to live. I was suicidal and had this urge to escape the reality so much that I rather sit in front of my MacBook and binge watch all the Chinese fantasy dramas I found on the internet.

Oh Lord, why did I develop this phobia? Food is the source of nutrition if I can’t eat then wouldn’t I fall into demise? This struggle is so real and hard to fix, although I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as when I got it, even though I still struggle, mostly when I’m stressing out. I have never been a picky eater, but because of the fear, I have been selective about which food I dim smoothly to swallow. I can’t enjoy a meal with friends or family at restaurants or cafe unless it’s soup or something soft in the menu. Whenever someone invites me out for lunch, dinner or just getting a bite, I freeze as not knowing what to say, because I don’t want to pay to poke at my food, it’s not cheap eating outside!

In the middle of it all, I develop a strategy. My strategy is to eat before a social gathering or not going at all. With close friends and family, they know I have this problem, so they will be very understandable if I don’t want to eat with them but instead buy a drink when we get together at the coffee shop. It’s acceptable, no further explanation. Often when my family gathers together to eat, I will first figure out what’s on the menu, if there’s something I feel like I could eat I would come, if not I will decline the invitation and stay home while eating my soft boil broccoli and tomatoes. Since I’m an introvert and highly sensitive to noises, I usually skip the family reunion and stay home reading or surf the internet instead. Karaoke is the thing for Asian people, at least Vietnamese people, and when my family gathers together they would sing, or talk loudly as if they were fighting.

My social skills are not bad, and I don’t avoid people, all I’m doing is making myself a priority. If I know, I’m low on energy I would rather stay home and recharge. I have come to term of being an introvert, and I’m perfectly satisfied being selective with whom I associate. I like socializing with few people rather than in big groups of people anyway, and mostly I get more connected with one person at a time than many at once.

Another thing worth mentioning:

I have had readings on my Akashic Records. They say this phobia is related to my throat chakra, which is to express myself verbally. All I needed to do was telling the truth, being honest about how I feel which was hard when I felt my feelings were never acceptable and because I dread fights and drama so much that I rather not. And to be honest, I never like to lie, but I often conceal my opinions and not talking at all about them which in my case is bad for me, since my needs won’t be met that way. After my psychosis last year, I have become so honest and direct without sugar coating anything my anxiety hasn’t occur so frequently as before when it comes to food. I’m more relax being myself and it does feel excellent to be able to air out my thoughts and feelings without feeling guilty or weird.

The only thing that still bothers me is losing my appetite due to stress, which hinders me to eat and it leads me to lose weight.

Honestly, the best policy is honesty, and even how challenging it is, I will continue being honest. Why is being honest a challenge? Well, people get so offended by it that I cringe every time I’m direct and honest. Truth hurts, people have to deal with it. I can’t make it my problem since I have enough to handle already.

It may be hard to open up and talk about your feelings, but do yourself a favor and foremost, be honest with yourself; then it will be easy, to be honest with others too.

a.a

From Improving To Recovering

“I hate you.” It’s a thought which usually hit me from nowhere. Ok, yeah, I have made many mistakes in life, but I never once hurt anyone intentionally, although, I did kind of hurt myself since I always am more considerate to other’s feelings than my own. I was prone to say yes more often than I should, and let things slide to keep the peace. Confrontations have always been my weakness, and I used to let thing bottle up inside me until I explode.

“I hate you,” must be a thought that has been buried deep down inside me, could it be my inner child who tells me these words? Or did someone planted them in my mind because I couldn’t be who they want me to be? I’m not so sure who or what causes the thought “I hate you” to surface in my awareness actually, but lately, I have answered this thought with “I approve of you.” “I approve of the person you were and has ever been.”

I hadn’t had a psychosis since summer last year, and I think we all have a conversation in our head from time to time, but for me, for the past years since 2016, I have had meaningful discussions whether with myself or with someone close to me in my head. No, it’s not psychosis or voices in my head that I talked to. Did it occur to you that we have this inner voice, to others it’s perfectly reasonable because it’s so faint, but for some, it’s not normal because the voice could sound much louder? It occurs to me more often than not that I’m aware of my positive self-talk and listening to this inner voice within myself. I have been so good at listening to others people thoughts and stories, so when I finally hear myself, I could see what I need and want. And believe me, I need to tell this thought “I hate you,” that I approve of it, which means I approve of myself.

I could be my worst critic or the best friend to myself, so since I’m born with free will and have a choice, I did chose to be my own best friend and supporter.

It’s already hard to be an INFJ (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an empath (highly sensitive with a touch of spirituality) and having this phagophobia (fear of swallowing food) in this world where everyone is more busy talking than listening. The world is going so fast that I need to slow down so I can catch my breath. The medical unit (or is it society?) disable me because I can’t cope with stress and prone to recharge myself too often because I don’t have a reservoir of energy to spend.

I’m wounded.

I had spent so many years reading self-help books and tried so hard to change and improve myself that I forgot to stop and look at the wonder of who I am. Complex yes, but never malicious. If telling the truth without sugar coating is malice, then maybe I’m a little.

As long as I hear “I hate you,” in my mind, I will always answer it with a firm belief that I don’t need to improve myself, but instead, I approve of myself, and I’m recovering.

Because that’s what it’s all about, this journey is to recover and heal from all past hurts and wounds so I can be who I am without feeling guilty of not being good enough.

a.a