From Improving To Recovering

“I hate you.” It’s a thought which usually hit me from nowhere. Ok, yeah, I have made many mistakes in life, but I never once hurt anyone intentionally, although, I did kind of hurt myself since I always am more considerate to other’s feelings than my own. I was prone to say yes more often than I should, and let things slide to keep the peace. Confrontations have always been my weakness, and I used to let thing bottle up inside me until I explode.

“I hate you,” must be a thought that has been buried deep down inside me, could it be my inner child who tells me these words? Or did someone planted them in my mind because I couldn’t be who they want me to be? I’m not so sure who or what causes the thought “I hate you” to surface in my awareness actually, but lately, I have answered this thought with “I approve of you.” “I approve of the person you were and has ever been.”

I hadn’t had a psychosis since summer last year, and I think we all have a conversation in our head from time to time, but for me, for the past years since 2016, I have had meaningful discussions whether with myself or with someone close to me in my head. No, it’s not psychosis or voices in my head that I talked to. Did it occur to you that we have this inner voice, to others it’s perfectly reasonable because it’s so faint, but for some, it’s not normal because the voice could sound much louder? It occurs to me more often than not that I’m aware of my positive self-talk and listening to this inner voice within myself. I have been so good at listening to others people thoughts and stories, so when I finally hear myself, I could see what I need and want. And believe me, I need to tell this thought “I hate you,” that I approve of it, which means I approve of myself.

I could be my worst critic or the best friend to myself, so since I’m born with free will and have a choice, I did chose to be my own best friend and supporter.

It’s already hard to be an INFJ (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an empath (highly sensitive with a touch of spirituality) and having this phagophobia (fear of swallowing food) in this world where everyone is more busy talking than listening. The world is going so fast that I need to slow down so I can catch my breath. The medical unit (or is it society?) disable me because I can’t cope with stress and prone to recharge myself too often because I don’t have a reservoir of energy to spend.

I’m wounded.

I had spent so many years reading self-help books and tried so hard to change and improve myself that I forgot to stop and look at the wonder of who I am. Complex yes, but never malicious. If telling the truth without sugar coating is malice, then maybe I’m a little.

As long as I hear “I hate you,” in my mind, I will always answer it with a firm belief that I don’t need to improve myself, but instead, I approve of myself, and I’m recovering.

Because that’s what it’s all about, this journey is to recover and heal from all past hurts and wounds so I can be who I am without feeling guilty of not being good enough.

a.a