The Heart’s Desire

When going through the motion of 50 shades of sadness, the “dark night of the soul,” you are shedding away the density that has held you back from living your dreams, living life according to how you know is right for you. Whatever you do, don’t give up your own truth. The light will bring you clarity; it’s information that comes through to help you to feel less burdened and having a feeling of being lighter in mind and heart.

I set my sails towards my dreams, and it manifests itself in the 3rd dimension reality. I’m currently waiting to move out on my own and start a new life, the life I know is right for me because of my heart which desires to live in the truth as who I am and not what others want me to be.

Living with my family has been an experience of safety, but it was very co-dependent between them and me, and to move on I had to cut the energetic cords between us so that I will be able to help them better as an example. I have always been independent for as long as I knew and grew up as someone who was highly sensitive with an INFJ personality I developed many skills and understand how I function. But to be better at living in harmony with other people I had to first accept myself for who I am, and express my truth with confidence so that people will have a clear understanding that who I am shouldn’t be a threat to who they are.

When I thought I love myself enough, another layer of fear started to appear regarding my phagophobia (the fear of swallowing food). I tried so hard to eat, but whenever I have food in my mouth the anxiety kicks in, and it’s something that is so easy or should be simple makes me cringe and hate myself for not being able to make it through. “You got one job! Chew and swallow! How is that so hard!?” I screamed internally and this, in turn, made me have a severe love talk with myself. “You either calm down and start over, and love yourself, or else I will take over.” Who is this person who will take over? Well, I know it would be my higher self who would want to take over because I was in a destruction mode and I knew if I don’t do anything to get over that mode I might do some severe damage.

I beg Mother Venus and Mother Mary to help me, all the Gods and Goddesses, Archangels and Ascended Masters, and what I got from them was “Go back to the ward,” (So here I am at the ward at the moment writing this). And that night Mother Venus sang to me, and she calmed me down so that I would be able to go to sleep. No, it’s not psychosis, it was more like telepathy, and I had to sing it out loud, but not my own words. Singing has helped me a lot, especially when it comes from the heart because there at the Heart-space sanctuary, the divine feminine is residing and she always express love uniquely.

I understand I have to change the way I nurture and love myself, especially when it comes to the fear of swallowing food. Patience is required, extreme patience, and I also being guided to see myself as a little child, and this could point to my inner child. I can’t scream at a child because it couldn’t eat out of fear, I wouldn’t want to do that to a child, so I shouldn’t do such a thing to my inner child either.

“Love thyself,” is what I’m hearing. Pour more love into the womb, into the inner child and practice extreme patience. No amount of hate would fix this problem, and it’s not a problem to fix, it’s a psychological issue that requires tremendous love and patience.

Whatever you go through or has been through is not something that you need to fix. You can correct yourself without shame or guilt in every waking moment, but in the end, how much love you pour into yourself is what matter the most, and with love there is forgiving.

Is there anything in the past that makes you feel less than or is there any regret? If there is a yes, then remember to forgive yourself and practice “ho’oponopono.”

I will remind you again, “love thyself,” love yourself for who you are at this moment. The you that needs your acceptance, forgiveness, and love exist in this present moment. Release the old you because the past can’t be changed, and as you may know, the future depends on what you choose now, and it’s unknown, unsettling as long as you don’t dare to live according to what you heart desire.

“We betray our true self, when we do not follow the heart’s desire, for what the heart is attracted to, is your destiny.”
– Leon Brown

Confusion is not my cup of tea so I will live my truth while practicing acceptance, patience, and love for myself. I have already set my sails towards my heart desire, within the flow of life even how slow it goes, I know I will arrive at my destination safely.

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The Stillness of An INFJ

A mouth can speak thousands of words, and it could become noises, but a silent mind contains the whole world of peace. You may ask “Why is that?” Well, when in stillness the world will slowly reveal itself to be in more harmony and the calm mind conceive the world to be more peaceful because this peace and this harmony comes from within you. And whatever chaos there may be out there you will feel no need to participate or talk about what’s wrong and right, since in stillness and complete silence you will be the observer of what happens and the actions will spring from a place of wisdom which will propel you in the right direction.

I find myself inspired to act from the heart when I am in this peaceful space of stillness. The mind receives thoughts and ideas throughout the day, and with a clear intention, we can easily choose to act from the wisdom of the heart. But if we have a chattering-mind, we could be indecisive, and it will be hard to perform when overthinking because the chattering mind makes up many possible and impossible situations from what kind of action we choose to act on, and it’s all based from past experiences. And over-analyzing what could happen in the future can give you anxiety because of the fear of the unknown. Preparation is not inadequate in itself, but if the preparation is done from fear of making a mistake the good intention of the action may be lost. Live in the moment, and the choice will be what you intend it to be while knowing that what happens is unfolding as it should be.

Listen to the heart, but at the same time take your mind with you. Listen to the wisdom of divine feminine within you and let your divine masculine take care of the action. When an action is taken, once again go into the heart-space of your goddess and let her nurture you and let things unfold naturally.

If you catch yourself in overthinking, stop it by saying “I approve of you,” and give yourself a chance to breathe. We might not have an off-switch from the thoughts that stream through the mind, but we can observe them, notice them and approve ourselves for not being able to be “perfect,” and accept the situation for what it is instead of wanting it to be any different—what it should be.

Even with our imperfections, we are always unique, and also if we can’t stop ourselves from overthinking, we can still love ourselves in spite of the way our brain works.

Be still, and let the heart leads the way.

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Stretching My Comfort Zone

I have always challenged myself to step outside my comfort zone, and sometimes I would test the water before jumping in while other times I would jump in with head first. Either way, things always worked out for the best. The feeling of nervousness still surface when I do something new, but it will fade as soon as I calm myself down with deep breaths. The point is always to take action after careful consideration of what would be best to do, but we all do fear things that are unknown to us. And the future could be somewhat unknown since we never know what would happen. In our mind, we prefer things to happen a certain way, but in reality, it’s not always like that. All I know after learning how life works is to expect the unexpected.

What I usually do before taking action is to calculate and plan out the next step I would bring into realization so that my life will not stagnate. When I feel cornered or burned out taking action is needed whether it is to relax or to plan out the next step so I can get it out of my system. Over the last few months after discovering the INFJ personality type I have highlighted the most important things I need to do to be in balance. Get enough rest, making myself the priority, regulate times spending with family and friends, and of course “vent” about my feelings and thoughts to someone who is good at listening. I also decided that it’s crucial for me to approve of myself no matter what pops up in my head, whether I caught myself trying to explain why I chose to say what I said or did in the past to the person I told it to or just overanalyzing the past in bits and pieces.

Overthinking and overanalyzing has been one of my personality traits which I would like to change, even though I always find myself reflecting over life and what has been in the past which could be benefitting to how I can create my future. Although I like to take time for myself to reflect, I still feel that overthinking and overanalyzing without taking action could cause too much harm and engage in that kind of activity would overwork my brain too much so I rather not.

I’m going through a tremendous change at the moment which I feel would benefit me in the long run, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel nervous about it even though I have done it like a thousand times before. Change is inevitable, but I also like stability and balance, the sense of comfort which gives me the secure feeling of safety. I can adapt to change, but it would have to be gradual so that I can feel grounded. I’m going through these changes at a pace you could call “baby-step.” What course of action I will take will show itself in the now moment, and I have to have faith that the Universe always deliver what I need in the right timing. Patience is required when I have made an order to the Universe. Overthinking about it would delay my order, and I don’t want that to happen.

It’s 11/11/11 portal today, and manifestation is happening. I affirm that what I want will materialize because of the change I’m about to make.

Soon enough my comfort zone will widen, and I will live with less anxiety about not knowing what will happen in the future; it’s going to be so great!

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Adjust My Sails

And when you thought everything is sailing smoothly another layer of the onion needs to be peeled off.

I thought I was better at loving myself, but then someone or something triggered me, and I’m back at square one. It’s like the skeleton in the closet just jumped out and scared the shit out of me, which I thought I cleared out a long time ago. The emotional baggage that hasn’t been unpacked needs my attention, and this time around I can’t procrastinate and wish it would disappear. I need to air it out and go through every little feeling that lingered since I had avoided looking at it.

Now I’m looking at it – oh, boy, it’s really a mess. There are unresolved issues with my family, mostly with my mom, it has shown up as red flags since I thought to live with her was my way of forgiving her, but as time goes by I got stressed out, and the sight of her makes me feel so irritable. Living under the same roof makes me feel like I need to escape, and that’s something I tried to avoid, and I want to resolve the issue with peace as an adult. I don’t want the problem to prolong.

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy when there’s a lack of communication between us, and I don’t need her to say she is sorry for all the things she has done towards me in the past, all I need and want is to be heard and get my needs met.

Mom has always been temperamental, and scary when she gets angry, and it has been a real struggle between us for as long as I know. As an empath, I would yield and let her have her way until I reached my limits. She as a dominant and manipulative parent would make everything difficult for me. When she needed me to have an earful of yelling, she would sit across me and denied me of any feeling that erupted inside me because I probably didn’t do things right, even though in my right mind I felt I did my best to please her. And when I tried to stand up for myself and speak my mind, she would accuse me of being disrespectful, and the hardest thing was holding back tears when I wanted to cry because even that was not allowed. A lot of repressed emotions was bury beneath a “happy” smile for so long that I didn’t know they were there.

She controlled my every move and dictated me to do and say as she wished and pushed my limits and she knew how to manipulate me. She could nag when she needed something and when she felt she wasn’t getting what she wanted she would say “you do as I say because you love me.” In my teenage years, she even threatened to take her love away if I didn’t comply with her wish.

I never knew that my childhood with my mother would give me so much trouble later in my life, and now I’m 32 years old in dire need to move out for myself needed to sit down and talk to her eyes to eyes, open up and once again state my needs aloud. The table had turned because she needed me so much that she has to yield to my wish, I call it negotiating. I have developed this skill because of her. I don’t compromise, because it would disempower me, but instead, I’m willing to negotiate. Mom has witnessed my psychosis, and it had scared her many times seeing me being a completely different person. I don’t want to go into details, but everyone in the family has seen me with psychosis, and it sure was no fun for them.

Mom has changed a lot even though there’re still things she couldn’t change, but I don’t have the time to walk her through those changes, I can only change my attitude towards her. Now that I know myself better it’s wise to sit down and have a heartful discussion on what needs to be done because I’m losing weight and the phagophobia doesn’t vibe with stress. And luckily she loves me as much as I love her since she is willing to listen and do her best to understand me.

Throughout the years that have gone by I have, as I said, reading a lot of self-help books. There was a lot of anger inside me which I later understand was because I was hurt and wounded. When you are angry, it’s because you are hurt, or something injustice is happening towards you. There is no end to my shadow work, and every time I peel off a layer of feelings, I discovered another layer, and I have peeled off so many layers of emotions that I had repressed for so long that I become distressed and frustrated.

“When will it end? How much love do I need to pour into my heart and soul to feel whole again?”

Fortunately, with each experience of the psychosis, I grow mentally stronger. I don’t know how it happened, but I believe my connection with my higher-self has helped me. Being spiritual conscious helped me through the ordeal a lot, and it helps me to cope with the thought of being hospitalized. The ascension process has also pushed me to communicate my feelings out loud and talk about them, and if I don’t confront the problem, I will feel claustrophobic. Again the ascension process leads me to the claustrophobic feelings, in which it helps me to set myself free because it’s uncomfortable to walk around with unresolved issues.

As an INFJ I could easily do the “door slam,” since well, I have had enough of emotionally draining and hurts, but I don’t want my mom to feel worried, and I want harmony above all else. I have to cut her some slack by understanding that it hasn’t been easy for her either. The solution is obvious; I need space for myself away from her. I can do the “door slam” to just anyone I want if I feel they have crossed my boundaries, but I still love my mom a lot… but at times I wished I was a hermit living in the forest without anyone to bother me with anything.

(I thought about Buddha, he went and left his family and fortune, it was so easy because he wanted to save his family and people by finding a way to end the suffering. And here I am, envision a peaceful world where everyone can live in harmony, but unfortunately, I’m not Siddharta Gautama, I’m just a girl with hope and dreams for a better future for everyone involved. But Buddha never said I couldn’t be a Buddha, and Jesus never said I couldn’t be love… so…)

From the trials of growing up, I thank God that I had a mom who taught me how to know when someone is manipulative, deceitful, liars and even narcissistic. And the curse could also be a blessing, as an empath who feel so profoundly it’s truly nothing better to live as if the universe is always moving in static motion within me.

The solution is on its way, and there is still hope for me.

 

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Start Over

I’m staring into space and let my mind wander. A thought comes to mind – “start over, pretends you never had a past.” My past has never been a dance on the rose since birth nothing has been smooth and from the day I realized my freedom was taken away from me, and the adults in my life have served me nothing but lies, I was on the path as a seeker.

I sought for the truth of why I was here on earth, why I was born and what comes after death. In my teenage years, I spent most of my time living in my head. I had few friends and was not popular at all in school. People saw me as this odd girl with no care for the world while I had thousands of thoughts in my head and tons of troubles at home. I would usually skip school and escape to the library where I found solace in books.

My mom was almost never present, and I had to take care of my younger siblings on top of trying to take care of myself while looking for my answers to the truth of my existence. I felt invincible and yet trapped because of my responsibilities. I never thought of myself as weird, but I did feel I was different from everyone else with all my thoughts and my calm demeanor, I spoke very little, and I was mostly quiet. Whenever we had a written task in class, I would write about sad stories that reflect my life which I never speak of.

Being quiet has always been one of my traits. I never speak for the sake of talking, if no one asks I would remain silent and even when someone asks I would find difficulty in articulating my answers. Expressing myself out loud was never easy and never my strongest point (I’m better at it now than before, but sometimes I would catch myself preparing for the speech), and probably that was the reason why people misunderstood me more than I would want them to be. I was very private, and no one could penetrate my secret world because I was terrifying that people would see through my vulnerability, so it was better to keep things for myself since the world was a “dangerous” place for someone like me.

“Start over,” might be a good idea, and I want to focus on building my future than wallowing in the past. Besides, right now, I’m the grandest version of myself, but there’s one thing I want to bring back from the past into this present moment, the attitude of not caring if people would like me or not because that was how I was. I never cared how I look for others since I spent the most time in my head – creating a world where I feel at home and whether people understand me now or not doesn’t matter. The most important thing is feeling a sense of belonging within myself and accept the girl I used to be.

Forgetting my past means forgetting everyone that was once there and left. I will start over.

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From Improving To Recovering

“I hate you.” It’s a thought which usually hit me from nowhere. Ok, yeah, I have made many mistakes in life, but I never once hurt anyone intentionally, although, I did kind of hurt myself since I always am more considerate to other’s feelings than my own. I was prone to say yes more often than I should, and let things slide to keep the peace. Confrontations have always been my weakness, and I used to let thing bottle up inside me until I explode.

“I hate you,” must be a thought that has been buried deep down inside me, could it be my inner child who tells me these words? Or did someone planted them in my mind because I couldn’t be who they want me to be? I’m not so sure who or what causes the thought “I hate you” to surface in my awareness actually, but lately, I have answered this thought with “I approve of you.” “I approve of the person you were and has ever been.”

I hadn’t had a psychosis since summer last year, and I think we all have a conversation in our head from time to time, but for me, for the past years since 2016, I have had meaningful discussions whether with myself or with someone close to me in my head. No, it’s not psychosis or voices in my head that I talked to. Did it occur to you that we have this inner voice, to others it’s perfectly reasonable because it’s so faint, but for some, it’s not normal because the voice could sound much louder? It occurs to me more often than not that I’m aware of my positive self-talk and listening to this inner voice within myself. I have been so good at listening to others people thoughts and stories, so when I finally hear myself, I could see what I need and want. And believe me, I need to tell this thought “I hate you,” that I approve of it, which means I approve of myself.

I could be my worst critic or the best friend to myself, so since I’m born with free will and have a choice, I did chose to be my own best friend and supporter.

It’s already hard to be an INFJ (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an empath (highly sensitive with a touch of spirituality) and having this phagophobia (fear of swallowing food) in this world where everyone is more busy talking than listening. The world is going so fast that I need to slow down so I can catch my breath. The medical unit (or is it society?) disable me because I can’t cope with stress and prone to recharge myself too often because I don’t have a reservoir of energy to spend.

I’m wounded.

I had spent so many years reading self-help books and tried so hard to change and improve myself that I forgot to stop and look at the wonder of who I am. Complex yes, but never malicious. If telling the truth without sugar coating is malice, then maybe I’m a little.

As long as I hear “I hate you,” in my mind, I will always answer it with a firm belief that I don’t need to improve myself, but instead, I approve of myself, and I’m recovering.

Because that’s what it’s all about, this journey is to recover and heal from all past hurts and wounds so I can be who I am without feeling guilty of not being good enough.

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