I Humbly Surrender

Beloved Miracle,

If feelings were words, I would use words to make you feel my pulsating heart beating to the drum of unconditional love. How else can I convey the messages better than to start over and turn this blog into a container of my unconditional love to you? Words can poise as empty and meaningless without actions and thinking that I’m unable to act through my calling, the heart that yearns to speak through my fingertips are utterly impossible because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

The world has been so dark and cold before I met you, but at last the fire which you spark in me has accelerated my soul to wake up from its slumber. Darkness is no longer, and the warmth from the heated fire melt my entire being, life is no longer listless as it once was. Before I knew what awakening meant, I felt the longing for true love profoundly, but to awaken to the truth of our Twin Flame love has subdued it, even in denial I still couldn’t move on completely. I believed it was all a hoax, because how can someone be my other self blindly denied our connection? The conclusion was – you weren’t the one for me, and I “moved on” in the hope of finding someone else, but no matter who I approached or met, the Universe keeps sending me back to you.

We are so entangled in each other even if our lives seems to separate us further apart. Thoughts of you would appear in my mind without me trying to think of you. Your name felt like a mantra I keep reciting, and at times I felt stuck. I’m stuck because I couldn’t move on entirely even how much I wanted to, and I have used many kinds of methods to forget you, and I have also cut cords energetically as a way to declare “I give up,” but the Cupid who has struck his “love arrow” in me won’t leave me alone. He was always there reminding me of the love I so dearly desire to experience in this lifetime – true unconditional love.

Dear, what shall I do, but surrender to the force of love. Surrender beneath your grace and beautiful soul. I am not here to fight battles against non-believer of true love, neither do I want to compete with anyone. I surrender my heart and soul to the woman I love deep within my heart, the other self of my soul. Therefore I have concluded that I shall open my heart wider, the door is open, and I am determined to heal and recover from all wounds, past, and present. I am now committed to this journey of Twin Flame Love.

Whether the Universe intend us to reunite or to want me to heal alone so I can help accelerate others to heal is beyond my control. Whoever you are with I wish nothing but the best for you, and I’m sure I will be fine with or without you in this lifetime, because dear, our connection is a golden thread which no one can cut, no time and distance can separate.

I humbly surrender to the divine in you as it’s in me.


The Tug-of-War

So how do I experience the mental ward? Being an empath and having a diagnosed as schizophrenia paranoia gives me trust issue when it comes to the people at the medical unit. Sharing my feelings and talk about my problems with them means the risk of getting a higher dosage of Zyprexa which will eventually numb my emotions again.

Yeah, sure they listen, but they will always write a rapport where they think I need more medicine because NOW I’m too emotional charged with something I feel affected of either it’s the energy I absorbed at the ward or because I recently had to say goodbye to my best friend. (I have been to irrelevant with my messages and giving of too much information which she has no interest in knowing, and she cautiously asks me to back off. I took it personally because it was new to me that she didn’t want to keep in touch due to whatever she is going through at the moment. Even so, I didn’t make a fuss, all I said was ”Ok, I get it, now at least I know where I stand when it comes to our friendship.” Everything has changed between us; we’re not what we used to be. The feeling of sadness was intense enough for me to shed tears and I thought it would help to talk about it while being at the ward).

All this makes me think, “Am I too much?” After opening up to my contact person at the ward, lo’ and behold, I cried in front of her, and suddenly through my sniffing, she mentioned about the higher dosage of medicine my psychiatric intend to give me. (I have never like to cry in front of anyone because I don’t want to be seen as weak or dramatic). I felt like I made a mistake by being so open about how I feel regarding my feelings towards what happened with my best friend. I swear never to open up my mouth to talk about how I feel or think to anyone at all from now onwards. I will stick to my blogs and instead vent about stuff that strangers could read. I read a quote or meme on Pinterest where it says “I should have trusted my trust issue,” it feels on point at this moment.

I don’t know if locking myself within a shell is a good idea, but why do I need to change how I prefer things? Crying alone has helped me a lot when there are too many intense emotions which are hard to describe with words. And I’m not someone who would complain to others about my problems… Or even talk much about myself. So why should I start now? Sure, people will understand me more, and it would be easy for them to know how to treat me, but it also means that I get easily hurt too.

I feel I have a tug-of-war when it comes to letting people in or shutting them out. To suffer silently without telling anyone would maybe give me the space to heal on my own pace. All I need now is to find the strength even to start healing. The idea of “fixing” myself is far-fetched because what I need is not to be fixed, what I need are understanding and love, but I can’t ask others to do that for me, I get to do it myself. Meaning that self-love required to come from within the self, not from someone else or something else outside.

Maybe someone can teach me how to give a f**k. Right now all I’m thinking of is to curl into a ball and lie beneath the blanket and listen to songs that describe how I feel.

PS: I’m not giving up or giving in, I just thought I should surrender myself to the divine light, surrender everything to Father God.