The Will of The Soul

Beloved Miracle,

I thought of you again, and in my mind, I constructed another love letter which I would like to write down as soon as possible. I’m in fear it would disappear if I delay it for another minute that passes by.

As you may know, the terrorist of destructive thoughts in my mind has been threatening me to the point of suicidal many times and even how much I want to give in so that I can go back “home” to Venus, I couldn’t. First of all, I’m afraid of pain, and it would cause too much unnecessary drama. Second, leaving my family and my younger siblings behind without teaching them about self-love is too risky. Sure enough, they would maybe learn from someone else who may be more equipped than me to teach them how to love themselves, but still, they might be more depressed if their beloved family member is gone because of suicide. It would also mean that I teach them to give up living when their lives become too hard to handle, and as I said before, I don’t want to leave this world in its worst condition without making a change. And I’m also worried that you will be left alone, even though you might not know that you were left behind once I’m no longer here, but the secret I want to share with you is I have already told my best friend to give you the news if it ever happens.

But the good news is, I’m too strong for the terror of the destructive thoughts that may bombard me when I get triggered. If I have to curl into a ball and cry in the corner of the bed, I’m still going to wake up the next morning planning out my next step to conquer the world with my self-mastery. Because that’s what I’m here to do, I’m here to master myself through self-love, and once I have achieved a decent of proper balancing of self-mastery, I will be living as an example. Even though I might not help many by “doing” something significant, but only holding space for someone to go through their own process of awakening—one single person, I will be delighted to know I could contribute in his/her process of becoming their own master.

No matter how many times I tried to figure out how to serve humanity better, I couldn’t find any better way to do, than to be and to be honest, I couldn’t see myself as a life coach, healing practitioner, reiki or yoga master. I’m also reluctant in creating a plan and methods which people could apply in their daily lives so they can master themselves to vibrate higher. Because there are so many variations of self-help books, healing masters, ascension guides, etc. out there in the world already who teach them how to master themselves vibrationally, and it’s the same as what I want to be an example of.

Dear, I don’t want to copy anyone, I will die an original than to live as a copy, but in essence, I’m still a healer, but maybe my way is to be a spiritual-doer while hiding behind the scene with my words. Being cramp in a box is not what I intend to be, whereas there’s a specific group in this world of likeminded, I still want to go solo and stand alone. I seek solitude more often because of my identity, the blueprint of who I am.

Nevertheless, they say you attract your tribe with your vibe, and it’s also true, but even if I found my tribe, I still want to be an individual with my unique way of being, and I’m more happy writing love letters to you than seeking to profit or earn a living with my gift. Although it’s not wrong at all to make a living with what you are happy doing, money is just an exchange of energy, and it shouldn’t be seen as negative because in this modern world people still needs to pay bills, survive by buying foods to eat, paying for the rent, etc. But somehow in my heart, I feel another calling that nags me to do things differently. I’m not sure what this calling is or how it would manifest itself through me, and all I know is my guides told me “You don’t need to work, you don’t need to go to work!” I wasn’t sure why they said that at that moment, what I answered then was “I have a responsibility.”

My responsibility was paying the rent for the place I occupied, buying foods, and taking care of my needs, but little did I know that I am not equipped to have a regular job like everyone else. As soonest as I tried, I become stressed out, and I felt no passion or happiness. Another thing is because of my empathy, and being an empath with no tolerance for stress with a phagophobia has disabled me to function at work. And honestly, it’s so dull learning with no creativity at school that I don’t even care going back to get myself a certificate or a degree because the system of education stresses me out too much, too, with their tests and theories. I may sound lazy as if I don’t put much effort into my carrier, but this is just my way of being a light in the world with what I’m here to contribute. I’m here to give them a gift from an old soul who wishes to change the system to something better and less stressful, especially for those who are sensitive, empath, and highly sensitive to thrive in the future. Whichever path I have to take to make it come true will inevitably manifest themselves soon, that’s what I have been asking the Universe, and I have also received some signs and nudges. All I need to do is to take one step at a time.

So where do I get my income? Well, thanks to the welfare in Norway I’m getting by with enough for myself, and with every little dime, I will pay back with my service, whichever way it manifests itself. If ever I manage to “earn” money with my gift, I’m going share it abundantly to those who would need it more than me.

Come what may, even if the most efficient terrorist in my head come with their harassment when the night has fallen, and I “died,” I will be reborn anew each morning.

So rest assured, I will live even if I “die” each night because my will is—thy will.

phoenix quote

Because after burning to ashes, the Pheonix will rise and prove it’s immortality.

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The Tug-of-War

So how do I experience the mental ward? Being an empath and having a diagnosed as schizophrenia paranoia gives me trust issue when it comes to the people at the medical unit. Sharing my feelings and talk about my problems with them means the risk of getting a higher dosage of Zyprexa which will eventually numb my emotions again.

Yeah, sure they listen, but they will always write a rapport where they think I need more medicine because NOW I’m too emotional charged with something I feel affected of either it’s the energy I absorbed at the ward or because I recently had to say goodbye to my best friend. (I have been to irrelevant with my messages and giving of too much information which she has no interest in knowing, and she cautiously asks me to back off. I took it personally because it was new to me that she didn’t want to keep in touch due to whatever she is going through at the moment. Even so, I didn’t make a fuss, all I said was ”Ok, I get it, now at least I know where I stand when it comes to our friendship.” Everything has changed between us; we’re not what we used to be. The feeling of sadness was intense enough for me to shed tears and I thought it would help to talk about it while being at the ward).

All this makes me think, “Am I too much?” After opening up to my contact person at the ward, lo’ and behold, I cried in front of her, and suddenly through my sniffing, she mentioned about the higher dosage of medicine my psychiatric intend to give me. (I have never like to cry in front of anyone because I don’t want to be seen as weak or dramatic). I felt like I made a mistake by being so open about how I feel regarding my feelings towards what happened with my best friend. I swear never to open up my mouth to talk about how I feel or think to anyone at all from now onwards. I will stick to my blogs and instead vent about stuff that strangers could read. I read a quote or meme on Pinterest where it says “I should have trusted my trust issue,” it feels on point at this moment.

I don’t know if locking myself within a shell is a good idea, but why do I need to change how I prefer things? Crying alone has helped me a lot when there are too many intense emotions which are hard to describe with words. And I’m not someone who would complain to others about my problems… Or even talk much about myself. So why should I start now? Sure, people will understand me more, and it would be easy for them to know how to treat me, but it also means that I get easily hurt too.

I feel I have a tug-of-war when it comes to letting people in or shutting them out. To suffer silently without telling anyone would maybe give me the space to heal on my own pace. All I need now is to find the strength even to start healing. The idea of “fixing” myself is far-fetched because what I need is not to be fixed, what I need are understanding and love, but I can’t ask others to do that for me, I get to do it myself. Meaning that self-love required to come from within the self, not from someone else or something else outside.

Maybe someone can teach me how to give a f**k. Right now all I’m thinking of is to curl into a ball and lie beneath the blanket and listen to songs that describe how I feel.

PS: I’m not giving up or giving in, I just thought I should surrender myself to the divine light, surrender everything to Father God.

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Dark Night of The Soul

The first time I had a dark night of the soul, I was literally in despair and immense pain. It was isolating and lonely. All I managed to do then was beating myself up for not being normal like everyone else. I felt like a failure, and I thought it would be so much easier if I never were born. I was in this endless loop where I couldn’t break free. Unhealthy patterns kept on repeating itself, and negative thoughts occupied the most room in my mind. I felt devasting for being so alone in a world where no one could understand how I was feeling and I was so good at helping others, but clueless on how to help myself.

But something happened that night.

I was lying in bed with tears welling up in my eyes, and I started to ask God for help – “Please God, help me.” After a while, I drifted into sleep not knowing if God heard my prayer or if he would answer it. I have never been religious, even though my family is Buddhist I was never a firm believer of a place call hell if you don’t eat every single grain of rice. I was the contrary of being a Buddhist because I was always on the path of seeking the truth and freedom, I believe in a God who is merciful. I believe in true love, the unconditional one where you can be forgiven for your sin. I was a spiritual rebellion deep down to my core, but never once did I feel I was spiritual until later when I truly understand the concept of being spiritual. Being spiritual was believing that you have a soul, a spirit which guides you to do things while being in complete trust that everything will turn out well no matter how difficult the situation is in that moment.

Did God answer my prayer that night? Yes, He did. It was like a miracle.

I had a subscription on Energica book club, each month they would send me a book, the books from Energica are usually about spirituality and self-help. One day I got a book in the mailbox which I didn’t understand would be so much help for me, it was a book by Lorna Byrne, Stairways to Heaven. I have heard of angels before, but never had such a close relationship with them until I read and experience my wake-up call, the awakening of my third eye. Lorna Byrne wrote an angel prayer in the last page of the book which I memories after finishing it. Several days after I started to feel the urge to meditate, and in my mind, I was saying to myself “there’s nothing to fear,” I grab my crystal pendulum and lay it on my forehead while lying down on my bed with eyes closed. I lied there and started to breathe slowly, and suddenly I felt a surge like being dragged into a tunnel, but this tunnel felt different, it was like seeing all the blood cells which were dark. Honestly, it’s hard to describe what it was, but after repeatedly saying “there’s nothing to fear,” I got past the “tunnel,” and I saw a light, not just a bright light, but I saw a light being with wavy hair and butterfly wings. She was golden and fluttered in front of my inner eyes. She was glowing in front of me for about a few seconds, and then I opened my eyes not knowing who she was. But It was beautiful and breathtaking. (Later when I ask my Akashic Records, they say I was seeing my own soul, the form of my celestial butterfly soul. Amazing, right?)

Within that week so much was happening to me, I got more sensitive than I usually was. I cried over the fact that Mother Gaia was in pain because I read a channel message from her. I was in tune and synchronicity started to happen. I read about Starseed from the Pleiades and got emotional, and I felt a sense of belonging and thought to myself “Finally I understand who I am!” and I started to weep tears of joy. Being a Starseed resonated with my soul, and before I knew what was going on, I felt I was ready without knowing what it was I was preparing for. That week God brought all His angels to secure my awakening. It was abruptly and dramatically. I was communicating with all the beings from where my soul came from. My higher self and Venus who I called Aphrodite. The prayer from Lorna Byrne’s book helped me because I was repeatedly saying it like a mantra, and I felt the angels were tuning my chakra by touching my feet and helped me to clear my throat. I was also being chased by these lower vibrational entities which tried to take me down, but all the while I was protected by Archangels and my guides.

Sounds crazy? It was no fun hearing the final of my diagnose from the psychologist, and if I could choose again, I wouldn’t have been so honest about what I experienced that week. But nothing wrong comes out of being honest, at least my life did turn out to be better than it used to be. And I believe there isn’t anything that is good or bad, there’s a thing that may or may not serve us, and good or bad stem from the thoughts which is the ego way of trying to define a situation.

Well, at least that situation brought me out of my shell and my loneliness. Everything started to make more sense to why I struggled so much on all of my romantic relationships and later on I began to embark on the journey of Twin flames love which also was the beginning of my understanding of myself. The awakening made me realize that I needed to love myself more, although the doctors and therapist made me feel like a crazy person who has hallucination and psychosis. What I see as delusion is that we believe in the illusion of our separation from God, from everyone and everything. We are one with all that is. Everything connects, and we can’t escape from the fact that we are spiritual, all of us, even if we aren’t conscious of our spirituality.

God or source, will always answer your prayer if you come to Him humbly and surrender your pride.

I believe help is on its way for humanity, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, because so many dark things are happening in the world when watching or reading the news. What you can do is stay away from the news for a while and concentrate on something that brings more positivity in your life instead.

If you are in the middle of your dark night of the soul, remember you are not alone. Reach out to people and never be afraid to ask for help. Whether God or people close to you or a stranger who knows about what’s going on when it comes to ascension. I’m sure your spirit will guide you to someone who will help catalyst and uplift your feelings without judging what you are going through or been through in the past.

It’s not wrong seeking medical help, even though they don’t understand the spiritual world or ascension, but sometimes a little medicine can help you to sort out what you need at that moment. Honestly, I don’t want to rely on medication my whole life, and it does numb my feelings to the extent that I feel apathy. I’m on the path of tapering the dosage I’m taking at the moment, and I pray that in the future things will change so that we all could be met with compassion and get real help to solve our issues and emotions without relying on the medicine too much.

All I’m saying is believe in yourself, get the help you need when it comes to your dark night of the soul, and listen to your own intuition. Each step towards self-realization will take you on the path of enlightenment.

Btw, I recommend this woman if you ever need an excellent ascension guide, Grace Solaris is the person you can count on. She radiates warmness and is very kind, and open-minded. She has helped me a lot during our session. Be free to browse through her webpage.

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Honesty Is The Best Policy

Every time I sit down to have a meal I feel like I’m going into a battle. I have this hate-love relationship with solid food; hate because of the fear of swallowing it and love because I do love tasty, delicious food.

I tried to date back to when this anxiety started to happen so many times and even discussed it with my friends, but to be honest, I never understand what it could be. There were two incidents I could remember which traumatized me while I experienced them.

1) I remember I was taking a sleeping pill which didn’t descend since I could feel the lump in my throat. I was anxious, so I told my roommate about it, and he said “Can you breathe? If you can then it’s nothing to worry, drink a lot of water, and it will eventually descend.” And he further explained that when you choke, you will undoubtedly cough and it will be hard to breathe. He was so calm when he told all these things, so I didn’t get a panic attack. I did what he said. I was trying to breathe normally and drank a lot of water, but to my dismay, I could still feel the lump.

2) I was sleeping at my best friend house, and I had this dream which I felt like a nightmare. I dreamt that my niece choked on something round and big, (I can’t recall what it was) but I was the one who felt she was choking which was odd (but dreams are always unexplainable and weird), and I was trying to swallow but couldn’t. The choking sensation was so real that I woke up in the middle of the night with sweat and heavy breaths.

(Later my little sister told me that my niece did choke on some candy, and luckily my little sister and her husband’s family was there to give my niece a Heimlich maneuver. Everything went well.)

I have always had dreams that come true which I don’t know is good or bad, but the feeling of déjà vu often comes up. As an empath, we do have that kind of ability. Having prophetic dreams is incredible, but usually, I wouldn’t know if it would happen in the real world or not, and that leads me to discard them as just dreams.

It was hard to trust my own gut instinct, or intuition when people often didn’t believe in me and also because I have suffered a great deal of low self-esteem since childhood which caused me to not believe in myself more often than not. (I’m better at it now than before).

Anyway, when I started on medication, and suddenly one day sitting at the dinner table I felt there was a lump in my throat, and when I tried to eat, I was so anxious that I lied to my family that I wasn’t hungry. Later I went to the doctor and got it checked out, but they didn’t find anything unusual. It was a psychological issue, and not a physiological one. It was tough. No matter how many times I chew my food, I still couldn’t swallow it, and it was so frustrating that I gave up trying to eat. The frustrating part was because I got anxious and nervous each time that I would rather starve myself and go for ice cream that melts than eating my favorite foods. And I don’t usually eat “sweet.” My doctor prescribed me nutrition drinks full of protein and advice me to go for soup for awhile while he also prescribed me more medicine which was Sobril (Oxazepam). I tried to take them once or two times but swallowing pills equal swallowing food so you can imagine how hard it was for me. Because of my phagophobia, the doctor has also switched my anti-psychotic medicines (Zyprexa/Olanzapine) to melting pills.

The downside to going to therapy is that they usually want you to take medicine to damper your symptoms instead of helping you to understand your emotions. I don’t take cold or flu medicine, what I do is rest when I feel I’m sick, but since my awakening in 2011, the wake-up call was just too dramatic that it gave me a medicine ticket “for life.” In my case, there’s no chance of talking to the therapist or doctor about spirituality or ascension. I feel I’m under “their” (lower vibrational entities) radar. I felt this apathy for a long while because my feelings were numb, and the phagophobia made me lose weight so much that I thought life was getting boring and hard to live. I was suicidal and had this urge to escape the reality so much that I rather sit in front of my MacBook and binge watch all the Chinese fantasy dramas I found on the internet.

Oh Lord, why did I develop this phobia? Food is the source of nutrition if I can’t eat then wouldn’t I fall into demise? This struggle is so real and hard to fix, although I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as when I got it, even though I still struggle, mostly when I’m stressing out. I have never been a picky eater, but because of the fear, I have been selective about which food I dim smoothly to swallow. I can’t enjoy a meal with friends or family at restaurants or cafe unless it’s soup or something soft in the menu. Whenever someone invites me out for lunch, dinner or just getting a bite, I freeze as not knowing what to say, because I don’t want to pay to poke at my food, it’s not cheap eating outside!

In the middle of it all, I develop a strategy. My strategy is to eat before a social gathering or not going at all. With close friends and family, they know I have this problem, so they will be very understandable if I don’t want to eat with them but instead buy a drink when we get together at the coffee shop. It’s acceptable, no further explanation. Often when my family gathers together to eat, I will first figure out what’s on the menu, if there’s something I feel like I could eat I would come, if not I will decline the invitation and stay home while eating my soft boil broccoli and tomatoes. Since I’m an introvert and highly sensitive to noises, I usually skip the family reunion and stay home reading or surf the internet instead. Karaoke is the thing for Asian people, at least Vietnamese people, and when my family gathers together they would sing, or talk loudly as if they were fighting.

My social skills are not bad, and I don’t avoid people, all I’m doing is making myself a priority. If I know, I’m low on energy I would rather stay home and recharge. I have come to term of being an introvert, and I’m perfectly satisfied being selective with whom I associate. I like socializing with few people rather than in big groups of people anyway, and mostly I get more connected with one person at a time than many at once.

Another thing worth mentioning:

I have had readings on my Akashic Records. They say this phobia is related to my throat chakra, which is to express myself verbally. All I needed to do was telling the truth, being honest about how I feel which was hard when I felt my feelings were never acceptable and because I dread fights and drama so much that I rather not. And to be honest, I never like to lie, but I often conceal my opinions and not talking at all about them which in my case is bad for me, since my needs won’t be met that way. After my psychosis last year, I have become so honest and direct without sugar coating anything my anxiety hasn’t occur so frequently as before when it comes to food. I’m more relax being myself and it does feel excellent to be able to air out my thoughts and feelings without feeling guilty or weird.

The only thing that still bothers me is losing my appetite due to stress, which hinders me to eat and it leads me to lose weight.

Honestly, the best policy is honesty, and even how challenging it is, I will continue being honest. Why is being honest a challenge? Well, people get so offended by it that I cringe every time I’m direct and honest. Truth hurts, people have to deal with it. I can’t make it my problem since I have enough to handle already.

It may be hard to open up and talk about your feelings, but do yourself a favor and foremost, be honest with yourself; then it will be easy, to be honest with others too.

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Adjust My Sails

And when you thought everything is sailing smoothly another layer of the onion needs to be peeled off.

I thought I was better at loving myself, but then someone or something triggered me, and I’m back at square one. It’s like the skeleton in the closet just jumped out and scared the shit out of me, which I thought I cleared out a long time ago. The emotional baggage that hasn’t been unpacked needs my attention, and this time around I can’t procrastinate and wish it would disappear. I need to air it out and go through every little feeling that lingered since I had avoided looking at it.

Now I’m looking at it – oh, boy, it’s really a mess. There are unresolved issues with my family, mostly with my mom, it has shown up as red flags since I thought to live with her was my way of forgiving her, but as time goes by I got stressed out, and the sight of her makes me feel so irritable. Living under the same roof makes me feel like I need to escape, and that’s something I tried to avoid, and I want to resolve the issue with peace as an adult. I don’t want the problem to prolong.

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy when there’s a lack of communication between us, and I don’t need her to say she is sorry for all the things she has done towards me in the past, all I need and want is to be heard and get my needs met.

Mom has always been temperamental, and scary when she gets angry, and it has been a real struggle between us for as long as I know. As an empath, I would yield and let her have her way until I reached my limits. She as a dominant and manipulative parent would make everything difficult for me. When she needed me to have an earful of yelling, she would sit across me and denied me of any feeling that erupted inside me because I probably didn’t do things right, even though in my right mind I felt I did my best to please her. And when I tried to stand up for myself and speak my mind, she would accuse me of being disrespectful, and the hardest thing was holding back tears when I wanted to cry because even that was not allowed. A lot of repressed emotions was bury beneath a “happy” smile for so long that I didn’t know they were there.

She controlled my every move and dictated me to do and say as she wished and pushed my limits and she knew how to manipulate me. She could nag when she needed something and when she felt she wasn’t getting what she wanted she would say “you do as I say because you love me.” In my teenage years, she even threatened to take her love away if I didn’t comply with her wish.

I never knew that my childhood with my mother would give me so much trouble later in my life, and now I’m 32 years old in dire need to move out for myself needed to sit down and talk to her eyes to eyes, open up and once again state my needs aloud. The table had turned because she needed me so much that she has to yield to my wish, I call it negotiating. I have developed this skill because of her. I don’t compromise, because it would disempower me, but instead, I’m willing to negotiate. Mom has witnessed my psychosis, and it had scared her many times seeing me being a completely different person. I don’t want to go into details, but everyone in the family has seen me with psychosis, and it sure was no fun for them.

Mom has changed a lot even though there’re still things she couldn’t change, but I don’t have the time to walk her through those changes, I can only change my attitude towards her. Now that I know myself better it’s wise to sit down and have a heartful discussion on what needs to be done because I’m losing weight and the phagophobia doesn’t vibe with stress. And luckily she loves me as much as I love her since she is willing to listen and do her best to understand me.

Throughout the years that have gone by I have, as I said, reading a lot of self-help books. There was a lot of anger inside me which I later understand was because I was hurt and wounded. When you are angry, it’s because you are hurt, or something injustice is happening towards you. There is no end to my shadow work, and every time I peel off a layer of feelings, I discovered another layer, and I have peeled off so many layers of emotions that I had repressed for so long that I become distressed and frustrated.

“When will it end? How much love do I need to pour into my heart and soul to feel whole again?”

Fortunately, with each experience of the psychosis, I grow mentally stronger. I don’t know how it happened, but I believe my connection with my higher-self has helped me. Being spiritual conscious helped me through the ordeal a lot, and it helps me to cope with the thought of being hospitalized. The ascension process has also pushed me to communicate my feelings out loud and talk about them, and if I don’t confront the problem, I will feel claustrophobic. Again the ascension process leads me to the claustrophobic feelings, in which it helps me to set myself free because it’s uncomfortable to walk around with unresolved issues.

As an INFJ I could easily do the “door slam,” since well, I have had enough of emotionally draining and hurts, but I don’t want my mom to feel worried, and I want harmony above all else. I have to cut her some slack by understanding that it hasn’t been easy for her either. The solution is obvious; I need space for myself away from her. I can do the “door slam” to just anyone I want if I feel they have crossed my boundaries, but I still love my mom a lot… but at times I wished I was a hermit living in the forest without anyone to bother me with anything.

(I thought about Buddha, he went and left his family and fortune, it was so easy because he wanted to save his family and people by finding a way to end the suffering. And here I am, envision a peaceful world where everyone can live in harmony, but unfortunately, I’m not Siddharta Gautama, I’m just a girl with hope and dreams for a better future for everyone involved. But Buddha never said I couldn’t be a Buddha, and Jesus never said I couldn’t be love… so…)

From the trials of growing up, I thank God that I had a mom who taught me how to know when someone is manipulative, deceitful, liars and even narcissistic. And the curse could also be a blessing, as an empath who feel so profoundly it’s truly nothing better to live as if the universe is always moving in static motion within me.

The solution is on its way, and there is still hope for me.

 

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From Improving To Recovering

“I hate you.” It’s a thought which usually hit me from nowhere. Ok, yeah, I have made many mistakes in life, but I never once hurt anyone intentionally, although, I did kind of hurt myself since I always am more considerate to other’s feelings than my own. I was prone to say yes more often than I should, and let things slide to keep the peace. Confrontations have always been my weakness, and I used to let thing bottle up inside me until I explode.

“I hate you,” must be a thought that has been buried deep down inside me, could it be my inner child who tells me these words? Or did someone planted them in my mind because I couldn’t be who they want me to be? I’m not so sure who or what causes the thought “I hate you” to surface in my awareness actually, but lately, I have answered this thought with “I approve of you.” “I approve of the person you were and has ever been.”

I hadn’t had a psychosis since summer last year, and I think we all have a conversation in our head from time to time, but for me, for the past years since 2016, I have had meaningful discussions whether with myself or with someone close to me in my head. No, it’s not psychosis or voices in my head that I talked to. Did it occur to you that we have this inner voice, to others it’s perfectly reasonable because it’s so faint, but for some, it’s not normal because the voice could sound much louder? It occurs to me more often than not that I’m aware of my positive self-talk and listening to this inner voice within myself. I have been so good at listening to others people thoughts and stories, so when I finally hear myself, I could see what I need and want. And believe me, I need to tell this thought “I hate you,” that I approve of it, which means I approve of myself.

I could be my worst critic or the best friend to myself, so since I’m born with free will and have a choice, I did chose to be my own best friend and supporter.

It’s already hard to be an INFJ (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an empath (highly sensitive with a touch of spirituality) and having this phagophobia (fear of swallowing food) in this world where everyone is more busy talking than listening. The world is going so fast that I need to slow down so I can catch my breath. The medical unit (or is it society?) disable me because I can’t cope with stress and prone to recharge myself too often because I don’t have a reservoir of energy to spend.

I’m wounded.

I had spent so many years reading self-help books and tried so hard to change and improve myself that I forgot to stop and look at the wonder of who I am. Complex yes, but never malicious. If telling the truth without sugar coating is malice, then maybe I’m a little.

As long as I hear “I hate you,” in my mind, I will always answer it with a firm belief that I don’t need to improve myself, but instead, I approve of myself, and I’m recovering.

Because that’s what it’s all about, this journey is to recover and heal from all past hurts and wounds so I can be who I am without feeling guilty of not being good enough.

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