After The Dawn

I never thought I would experience the “Dark night of the soul” so many times in my life. But at last, the sun is melting the snow, and the glorious rays peeked through the sky and gave me an everlasting hope for a better future.

As long as there are still trapped emotions the purging will continue. The purge was intense and even painful, to be honest, but as a Starseed, on a mission, it was necessary to transmute dark energy into light. The night was lonesome, and sadness was overwhelming to the point where I had to shed tears while embracing myself. The only difference this time was that even though I cried because I felt lonely, I didn’t feel I was alone. I had to face the path I have chosen alone, and the process of becoming my true self can’t be rushed. It was daunting to do it all by myself, but never did I go through it without the help of those around me and my spirit guides and higher self.

The difficulty I faced since November and all the hard works I did eventually pay off. I know I am not 100% there yet, but as for now, I feel content. Content enough to keep paving the way for those who will come after me.

I was thinking of cleaning this blog and start over, but I haven’t make a decision yet. It’s not like I haven’t done it before, and I thought to myself; “The past can’t be erased, but to revisit it once in a while to reflect wouldn’t hurt, as long as I don’t dwell in it, then it should be fine.” And to become who I am today was also thanks to what I have been through in the past.

The past didn’t shape me, but it leads me to desire to be the better version of who I was, the person I am meant to be all along. All I dreamt of was being my true self and speak my truth, and now I am confident enough to decide my own destiny rather than let people dictate what I should be doing in life, I am now the one in charge of it with full confidence in myself.

The pieces have now come together to create a perfect picture, and I can see it clearly from where I stand. There’s so much more to life besides suffering and pain. If it seems dark where you are now, remember one thing, after the dark comes to the dawn. And before sunrise, if you could, you must let the old version of you “die” or transform. Ressurection of the soul is the death of the ego.

Before dawn, everything looks gloomy and dark, but the sun never fails you, because it will rise and better yet, it never has gone anywhere, the earth rotates, and life will give you many chances to wake up to a brighter day.

Keep the faith and reach out for help if it’s unbearable to do it alone, but remember; eventually, you are the one who can save yourself. People can give you a hand, but you are the one who needs to take their hands and trust in yourself enough to make it through, to have discernment that the help is coming from the angels who walked the earth beside you, and not the devil who lured you in co-dependency.

a.a

The Heart’s Desire

When going through the motion of 50 shades of sadness, the “dark night of the soul,” you are shedding away the density that has held you back from living your dreams, living life according to how you know is right for you. Whatever you do, don’t give up your own truth. The light will bring you clarity; it’s information that comes through to help you to feel less burdened and having a feeling of being lighter in mind and heart.

I set my sails towards my dreams, and it manifests itself in the 3rd dimension reality. I’m currently waiting to move out on my own and start a new life, the life I know is right for me because of my heart which desires to live in the truth as who I am and not what others want me to be.

Living with my family has been an experience of safety, but it was very co-dependent between them and me, and to move on I had to cut the energetic cords between us so that I will be able to help them better as an example. I have always been independent for as long as I knew and grew up as someone who was highly sensitive with an INFJ personality I developed many skills and understand how I function. But to be better at living in harmony with other people I had to first accept myself for who I am, and express my truth with confidence so that people will have a clear understanding that who I am shouldn’t be a threat to who they are.

When I thought I love myself enough, another layer of fear started to appear regarding my phagophobia (the fear of swallowing food). I tried so hard to eat, but whenever I have food in my mouth the anxiety kicks in, and it’s something that is so easy or should be simple makes me cringe and hate myself for not being able to make it through. “You got one job! Chew and swallow! How is that so hard!?” I screamed internally and this, in turn, made me have a severe love talk with myself. “You either calm down and start over, and love yourself, or else I will take over.” Who is this person who will take over? Well, I know it would be my higher self who would want to take over because I was in a destruction mode and I knew if I don’t do anything to get over that mode I might do some severe damage.

I beg Mother Venus and Mother Mary to help me, all the Gods and Goddesses, Archangels and Ascended Masters, and what I got from them was “Go back to the ward,” (So here I am at the ward at the moment writing this). And that night Mother Venus sang to me, and she calmed me down so that I would be able to go to sleep. No, it’s not psychosis, it was more like telepathy, and I had to sing it out loud, but not my own words. Singing has helped me a lot, especially when it comes from the heart because there at the Heart-space sanctuary, the divine feminine is residing and she always express love uniquely.

I understand I have to change the way I nurture and love myself, especially when it comes to the fear of swallowing food. Patience is required, extreme patience, and I also being guided to see myself as a little child, and this could point to my inner child. I can’t scream at a child because it couldn’t eat out of fear, I wouldn’t want to do that to a child, so I shouldn’t do such a thing to my inner child either.

“Love thyself,” is what I’m hearing. Pour more love into the womb, into the inner child and practice extreme patience. No amount of hate would fix this problem, and it’s not a problem to fix, it’s a psychological issue that requires tremendous love and patience.

Whatever you go through or has been through is not something that you need to fix. You can correct yourself without shame or guilt in every waking moment, but in the end, how much love you pour into yourself is what matter the most, and with love there is forgiving.

Is there anything in the past that makes you feel less than or is there any regret? If there is a yes, then remember to forgive yourself and practice “ho’oponopono.”

I will remind you again, “love thyself,” love yourself for who you are at this moment. The you that needs your acceptance, forgiveness, and love exist in this present moment. Release the old you because the past can’t be changed, and as you may know, the future depends on what you choose now, and it’s unknown, unsettling as long as you don’t dare to live according to what you heart desire.

“We betray our true self, when we do not follow the heart’s desire, for what the heart is attracted to, is your destiny.”
– Leon Brown

Confusion is not my cup of tea so I will live my truth while practicing acceptance, patience, and love for myself. I have already set my sails towards my heart desire, within the flow of life even how slow it goes, I know I will arrive at my destination safely.

a.a

Dark Night of The Soul

The first time I had a dark night of the soul, I was literally in despair and immense pain. It was isolating and lonely. All I managed to do then was beating myself up for not being normal like everyone else. I felt like a failure, and I thought it would be so much easier if I never were born. I was in this endless loop where I couldn’t break free. Unhealthy patterns kept on repeating itself, and negative thoughts occupied the most room in my mind. I felt devasting for being so alone in a world where no one could understand how I was feeling and I was so good at helping others, but clueless on how to help myself.

But something happened that night.

I was lying in bed with tears welling up in my eyes, and I started to ask God for help – “Please God, help me.” After a while, I drifted into sleep not knowing if God heard my prayer or if he would answer it. I have never been religious, even though my family is Buddhist I was never a firm believer of a place call hell if you don’t eat every single grain of rice. I was the contrary of being a Buddhist because I was always on the path of seeking the truth and freedom, I believe in a God who is merciful. I believe in true love, the unconditional one where you can be forgiven for your sin. I was a spiritual rebellion deep down to my core, but never once did I feel I was spiritual until later when I truly understand the concept of being spiritual. Being spiritual was believing that you have a soul, a spirit which guides you to do things while being in complete trust that everything will turn out well no matter how difficult the situation is in that moment.

Did God answer my prayer that night? Yes, He did. It was like a miracle.

I had a subscription on Energica book club, each month they would send me a book, the books from Energica are usually about spirituality and self-help. One day I got a book in the mailbox which I didn’t understand would be so much help for me, it was a book by Lorna Byrne, Stairways to Heaven. I have heard of angels before, but never had such a close relationship with them until I read and experience my wake-up call, the awakening of my third eye. Lorna Byrne wrote an angel prayer in the last page of the book which I memories after finishing it. Several days after I started to feel the urge to meditate, and in my mind, I was saying to myself “there’s nothing to fear,” I grab my crystal pendulum and lay it on my forehead while lying down on my bed with eyes closed. I lied there and started to breathe slowly, and suddenly I felt a surge like being dragged into a tunnel, but this tunnel felt different, it was like seeing all the blood cells which were dark. Honestly, it’s hard to describe what it was, but after repeatedly saying “there’s nothing to fear,” I got past the “tunnel,” and I saw a light, not just a bright light, but I saw a light being with wavy hair and butterfly wings. She was golden and fluttered in front of my inner eyes. She was glowing in front of me for about a few seconds, and then I opened my eyes not knowing who she was. But It was beautiful and breathtaking. (Later when I ask my Akashic Records, they say I was seeing my own soul, the form of my celestial butterfly soul. Amazing, right?)

Within that week so much was happening to me, I got more sensitive than I usually was. I cried over the fact that Mother Gaia was in pain because I read a channel message from her. I was in tune and synchronicity started to happen. I read about Starseed from the Pleiades and got emotional, and I felt a sense of belonging and thought to myself “Finally I understand who I am!” and I started to weep tears of joy. Being a Starseed resonated with my soul, and before I knew what was going on, I felt I was ready without knowing what it was I was preparing for. That week God brought all His angels to secure my awakening. It was abruptly and dramatically. I was communicating with all the beings from where my soul came from. My higher self and Venus who I called Aphrodite. The prayer from Lorna Byrne’s book helped me because I was repeatedly saying it like a mantra, and I felt the angels were tuning my chakra by touching my feet and helped me to clear my throat. I was also being chased by these lower vibrational entities which tried to take me down, but all the while I was protected by Archangels and my guides.

Sounds crazy? It was no fun hearing the final of my diagnose from the psychologist, and if I could choose again, I wouldn’t have been so honest about what I experienced that week. But nothing wrong comes out of being honest, at least my life did turn out to be better than it used to be. And I believe there isn’t anything that is good or bad, there’s a thing that may or may not serve us, and good or bad stem from the thoughts which is the ego way of trying to define a situation.

Well, at least that situation brought me out of my shell and my loneliness. Everything started to make more sense to why I struggled so much on all of my romantic relationships and later on I began to embark on the journey of Twin flames love which also was the beginning of my understanding of myself. The awakening made me realize that I needed to love myself more, although the doctors and therapist made me feel like a crazy person who has hallucination and psychosis. What I see as delusion is that we believe in the illusion of our separation from God, from everyone and everything. We are one with all that is. Everything connects, and we can’t escape from the fact that we are spiritual, all of us, even if we aren’t conscious of our spirituality.

God or source, will always answer your prayer if you come to Him humbly and surrender your pride.

I believe help is on its way for humanity, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, because so many dark things are happening in the world when watching or reading the news. What you can do is stay away from the news for a while and concentrate on something that brings more positivity in your life instead.

If you are in the middle of your dark night of the soul, remember you are not alone. Reach out to people and never be afraid to ask for help. Whether God or people close to you or a stranger who knows about what’s going on when it comes to ascension. I’m sure your spirit will guide you to someone who will help catalyst and uplift your feelings without judging what you are going through or been through in the past.

It’s not wrong seeking medical help, even though they don’t understand the spiritual world or ascension, but sometimes a little medicine can help you to sort out what you need at that moment. Honestly, I don’t want to rely on medication my whole life, and it does numb my feelings to the extent that I feel apathy. I’m on the path of tapering the dosage I’m taking at the moment, and I pray that in the future things will change so that we all could be met with compassion and get real help to solve our issues and emotions without relying on the medicine too much.

All I’m saying is believe in yourself, get the help you need when it comes to your dark night of the soul, and listen to your own intuition. Each step towards self-realization will take you on the path of enlightenment.

Btw, I recommend this woman if you ever need an excellent ascension guide, Grace Solaris is the person you can count on. She radiates warmness and is very kind, and open-minded. She has helped me a lot during our session. Be free to browse through her webpage.

a.a