Self Love

Beloved Miracle,

In the morning glory, I am asking Divine Father God for a resolution. I want to break free from this “waiting,” because in my heart space I am waiting for our reunion, but I am wearing tired of it. Time and space are compressing my heart, and it’s hard to endure when all I desire is to have a glimpse of you.

I am sorry for being selfish, but I have decided not to wait any longer. I am not walking away and give up on you, but I think the best for us is not me sitting in one place and wait for you to come when you are not yet ready to enter into my life again. I heard the call to which I answered with obedience.

I love you, Miracle, but I can no longer support the illusion of time. It’s not that I am impatience, but I understand that divine timing plays a more significant role in our reunion than our concept of time. I really don’t know what else to do than to let go and let God; He is the only one who can alter this situation I am in right now, and whether you hear my heart calling your name or not, I can’t stop my own process of healing and become whole within me.

I pray that we both progress in our path to wholeness and that we both heal from our ailments of lifelong injuries. Whether in health or sickness I am willing to stand by you and be by your side once we become one in heart and soul again, just like before we got split into two souls.

I won’t wander far away, because it’s not possible for me to cut ties with you. Our connection is heaven made, and it has been so life after life, we are tethered in eternal love which is why it’s so hard and impossible to turn away from this love we share.

My willingness to create heaven on earth must come first, but I can’t do that without you, but “waiting” for it to happen is like feeling stuck in a place I don’t belong to, and for me to release this energy of stagnation I have to remove myself from the confusion and illusion of time. I will lift the veil for you so you can see again with your eyes that heaven is here right in front of us, and my soothing voice within your heart is beckoning you to wake up from whatever dreams you may have.

My love, be in awareness of your surrounding and once everything is done, come back to me safely because somewhere along the line, my heart yearns and waits for you.

For now, I am wandering off to gather more love to fill our hearts because once my heart is brimming with love, I know you will feel it too, and love is all there is, and all there is, is love.

Because committing to this journey of self-love is also one of the many tasks I need to complete before everything else.

beau taplin self love

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Into One Soul

Beloved Miracle,

There will be ups and downs in our lives which will make us lose faith, but nothing can compare to the endless love that I am unable to give up. People search for one true love that they yearn for their entire life and yet fail to recognize the heart that speaks of it.

I can’t look for you outside myself because my dreams are yet to become a reality. Even how much I want to abandon ship when I feel intensely afraid, I can’t escape nor hide from you— the reason is you are my other self. You are the other part of me that I need to reunite with to feel and become whole in this lifetime. Yes, I am capable of living my life without you, I am sure of that, but the longing of our union won’t leave me alone, and I will be breathless if I once again chase you. I have gone to the end of the world to find you, and I saw you. I didn’t just go to the other side of the earth without reason, what I did was descending from the heavenly realm with my head first to prepare for the coming of the Goddess, the Divine Feminine.

I am whole, but the yearning for my one true love makes it impossible for me to feel complete. Living here on earth has taught me so much about being human, and it’s to accept the fact that I am vulnerable. Within the core of my being, I am delicate and oh’ so sensitive, and it’s the softness of my love for you that caress me so tenderly, wanting me to drop my protecting armor again and again. It begs me each time when my heart hardened by the frost of being alone to tear down the shield and let love moves freely. Love said, “Let me coated your soul like honey. Let me be like a balm soothing your pain and scars. Let me seeps through all the cracks in your soul and healed your wounds completely.”

And once again I surrender to love because I can’t only love myself without loving you, I can’t fill the void that is like a bottomless pit, because it’s endless, I fall into it knowing all along that you are there. The abyss of my yearning to drop to the ground and land safely is to know you are there catching me. “Are you there?” I asked in the midst of the fog.

My love, I called for you, not because I am some person with the obsessive tendency to catch you and imprisoned you, I am your Divine Feminine calling out for you to remember the love that boils within your heart — the Divine Feminine that is within you as much as the Divine Masculine is within me.

I said to myself, “I long not, I long not, I long not! My beloved is within me all along.” Just like what Rumi said;

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If there’s any place for us to be together in our union, then let’s meet each other in our hearts while we dance and merge into one soul. Imagine you and me into the existence of the reality of our dreams.

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The Starseed

Beloved Miracle,

I am more and more sure of my Divine mission now. Before I understand or even comprehend why and how I felt such urge to forgive and be patient to the way people unintentionally or unconsciously treated me. Even though how cruel or mistreated I was being, or how many times those I loved left me, but still I had a knowing it was for a more significant purpose and my heart never hold hate or bitterness. I always bounce right back to being happy when interacting and communicating with other people.

I had all too many sad times, lonely times, misunderstood times, broken into pieces times, dreadful times and immensely painful times. But my heart whisper not to give up, a soft, gentle voice that told me to hang on, even though my hands loosen its grip on the rope, and my patience almost ran out.

My beloved Angels, Archangels, Cherubim, Seraphim, Elohim, from the Angelic realms sang to me, it was a bit shocking and scary, since I wasn’t sure of what I heard was true. I thought it was my imagination that played a trick on me, and I convinced myself that it wasn’t real, I must be too tired and sleepy.

I had this blind faith in the unconditional love I desired, which I hold so sacred in my Heart-Space sanctuary that I was willing to go about and made it visible and true.

I was building a bridge from my heart to people’s heart with those I encountered in my early life, without knowing the true purpose for my actions or before I know the real reason for the intense emotions I felt back then. It was not mine alone, but also theirs and my overprotective ways of showing my love I often withdrew from them to gain some clarity and energy. And I was always so brutally honest without sugar coat the truth of what I had observed in the way they lived their lives, and it made them run, and being offended, and so many times I actually had to let them go, but still, I hold a space for them in my heart.

Now that I read all these descriptions about being a Starseed my amnesia is being lifted, and my faith is now miraculously cleared and stronger than before.

I understand now why this feeling of melancholy and almost as if I was not always “happy” because I felt the grasp of grief, sadness, and longing to know who I am and what my purpose in life was.

Because I know too well I am not here to have a “normal” life, getting married, having kids and settle down, even though it was the norm for most people to do so. So many people are driving to success in life by always competing and makes money to hold status to show that their existence is worth, but, I know, they are lying to themselves, because those materialistic achievements hold no value if the soul essence didn’t shine through.

As if being a Starseed wasn’t hard enough, I had to choose to incarnate as a woman who is attracted to women. How could I accept myself fully back then, when so many religious beliefs in the 3D dimension reality of the old paradigm twisted and manipulated the truth of our Divine Father God’s unconditional love for all things and all beings.

The Soul doesn’t care about gender, even though some do carry female or male essence. But still, some races throughout the galaxy is androgynous.

The story of my past life had been painted in so many various colors, but still blue dominated for so long, but I never “liked” the color black, even though I occasionally painted in black. Because darkness befalls upon planet earth in millions and if not billions of years ago, that my amnesia made me fearful of it.

I stumbled, crawled, and had so many setbacks, and every one of my significant other ran from me, even when I was so loyal and faithful as to stick to them through thick and thin. I yield, and yield, but still to no avail, since they are greedy, lusting, deceitful, liars and confusing that it frustrated me since they don’t have faith in any of my actions and words.

I looked for ways to be happy, to change myself, to fit in, conform just to be accepted and loved, but the “white” sheep of the family was too strange and often too silent and withdrawn. But they didn’t know I was heavily burdened with duties, for the youngster in the household, for being the middle one, the peacemaker, the responsible and dependable one.

Duties to save and help the world and its people were even more and more proven to be the driving force to keep on stretching the boundaries or often to test the limits of the strength I possessed inside me. I work and work tirelessly, even if my aim was not clear, and I didn’t hold a regular job long enough, when I referred to work, I mean to love.

And now to rise, to keep honing my self-love and self-respect and self-compassion for the ego self, and gently asked it to step aside, and let me steer the course.

Because she is a vessel to the Goddess who would walk the earth in her rightful place, and that I get stronger and stronger was more evident as time passes.

The power just grew and grew, my abilities become sharper and sharper, and my awareness expands, and the Christhood and Bodhisattva in me awaken my compassion because being a benevolent celestial being is my true identity.

Now the color of my life has changed its shape; pastel pink, pastel blue, violet, and white are the colors I prefer when I dress. But the violet flame of Archangel Zadkiel and St. Germain will protect me while I guide and demonstrate who I am through unconditional love, grace, elegance, in a peaceful manner.

Magical, as if this journey wasn’t unbelievable enough, our love for each other has become my favorite fairy tale ever.

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Eternal Love

Beloved Miracle,

I close my eyes and commune with the Divine Spirit within me. The heart spoke in compassion and reminded me:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.
– A Course in Miracles

The truth of our love for each other can’t be threatened, even the world of illusion out there can’t break the bond made in heaven. I stand firm on my two feet and hold space for you to grow whether the storm will tear your sail asunder, I will be the beacon of the lighthouse guiding you through.

The promise we made before we parted ways into lives of incarnations is;

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I am you; you are me
Into one heart we shall be
Tethered from above
In eternal love.

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The Will of The Soul

Beloved Miracle,

I thought of you again, and in my mind, I constructed another love letter which I would like to write down as soon as possible. I’m in fear it would disappear if I delay it for another minute that passes by.

As you may know, the terrorist of destructive thoughts in my mind has been threatening me to the point of suicidal many times and even how much I want to give in so that I can go back “home” to Venus, I couldn’t. First of all, I’m afraid of pain, and it would cause too much unnecessary drama. Second, leaving my family and my younger siblings behind without teaching them about self-love is too risky. Sure enough, they would maybe learn from someone else who may be more equipped than me to teach them how to love themselves, but still, they might be more depressed if their beloved family member is gone because of suicide. It would also mean that I teach them to give up living when their lives become too hard to handle, and as I said before, I don’t want to leave this world in its worst condition without making a change. And I’m also worried that you will be left alone, even though you might not know that you were left behind once I’m no longer here, but the secret I want to share with you is I have already told my best friend to give you the news if it ever happens.

But the good news is, I’m too strong for the terror of the destructive thoughts that may bombard me when I get triggered. If I have to curl into a ball and cry in the corner of the bed, I’m still going to wake up the next morning planning out my next step to conquer the world with my self-mastery. Because that’s what I’m here to do, I’m here to master myself through self-love, and once I have achieved a decent of proper balancing of self-mastery, I will be living as an example. Even though I might not help many by “doing” something significant, but only holding space for someone to go through their own process of awakening—one single person, I will be delighted to know I could contribute in his/her process of becoming their own master.

No matter how many times I tried to figure out how to serve humanity better, I couldn’t find any better way to do, than to be and to be honest, I couldn’t see myself as a life coach, healing practitioner, reiki or yoga master. I’m also reluctant in creating a plan and methods which people could apply in their daily lives so they can master themselves to vibrate higher. Because there are so many variations of self-help books, healing masters, ascension guides, etc. out there in the world already who teach them how to master themselves vibrationally, and it’s the same as what I want to be an example of.

Dear, I don’t want to copy anyone, I will die an original than to live as a copy, but in essence, I’m still a healer, but maybe my way is to be a spiritual-doer while hiding behind the scene with my words. Being cramp in a box is not what I intend to be, whereas there’s a specific group in this world of likeminded, I still want to go solo and stand alone. I seek solitude more often because of my identity, the blueprint of who I am.

Nevertheless, they say you attract your tribe with your vibe, and it’s also true, but even if I found my tribe, I still want to be an individual with my unique way of being, and I’m more happy writing love letters to you than seeking to profit or earn a living with my gift. Although it’s not wrong at all to make a living with what you are happy doing, money is just an exchange of energy, and it shouldn’t be seen as negative because in this modern world people still needs to pay bills, survive by buying foods to eat, paying for the rent, etc. But somehow in my heart, I feel another calling that nags me to do things differently. I’m not sure what this calling is or how it would manifest itself through me, and all I know is my guides told me “You don’t need to work, you don’t need to go to work!” I wasn’t sure why they said that at that moment, what I answered then was “I have a responsibility.”

My responsibility was paying the rent for the place I occupied, buying foods, and taking care of my needs, but little did I know that I am not equipped to have a regular job like everyone else. As soonest as I tried, I become stressed out, and I felt no passion or happiness. Another thing is because of my empathy, and being an empath with no tolerance for stress with a phagophobia has disabled me to function at work. And honestly, it’s so dull learning with no creativity at school that I don’t even care going back to get myself a certificate or a degree because the system of education stresses me out too much, too, with their tests and theories. I may sound lazy as if I don’t put much effort into my carrier, but this is just my way of being a light in the world with what I’m here to contribute. I’m here to give them a gift from an old soul who wishes to change the system to something better and less stressful, especially for those who are sensitive, empath, and highly sensitive to thrive in the future. Whichever path I have to take to make it come true will inevitably manifest themselves soon, that’s what I have been asking the Universe, and I have also received some signs and nudges. All I need to do is to take one step at a time.

So where do I get my income? Well, thanks to the welfare in Norway I’m getting by with enough for myself, and with every little dime, I will pay back with my service, whichever way it manifests itself. If ever I manage to “earn” money with my gift, I’m going share it abundantly to those who would need it more than me.

Come what may, even if the most efficient terrorist in my head come with their harassment when the night has fallen, and I “died,” I will be reborn anew each morning.

So rest assured, I will live even if I “die” each night because my will is—thy will.

phoenix quote

Because after burning to ashes, the Pheonix will rise and prove it’s immortality.

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I AM The Life

Beloved Miracle,

Oh’ I pray that my vessel will be filled with love as the day goes by and I surrender to the heart and clear out space for the divine to commune with me. It’s strange to be in a body as a soul, at times I wonder if I am the light to the world, or will I be consumed by the darkness when I see death and destruction obstruct people to live in peace and harmony.

It was indeed lonely to start this journey while being in amnesia and forgot who I am. Looking back I have tried to fit in, but within me, I felt different. “Being a human is quite challenging,” I thought to myself. I have forgotten how to be me, the way I used to be before I descend to this place with so much density – the truth of being a light being was wiped out from my memories.

Within the passage of time, years and years went by I became an observer. I went about my day quietly while contemplating life’s mystery. “There’s nothing wrong with life, but why do people struggle so much?” I kept thinking about the way people interacted with each other. It was confusing and at times frustrating. People said one thing but meant something else. They lied about their feelings and ran for the truth. Slowly and sadly I adopted their behavior. I was never malice or managed to lie intentionally, but I figured out it was “good” to throw in a white lie when I didn’t want to do something or because I wanted to avoid talking about my true feelings. But then I found you, and it felt like home, and I wished not to lie anymore, because somehow you were looking right through me and asked me a simple question, “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing?” At last, I also asked myself this question. It felt so wrong to lie to my beloved, the one whose eyes have peered into my soul and stripped me off my mask. I loved you so much at that moment and at the same time I feared you would see how horrendous I was if you saw me naked because that was how it felt the moment you looked me straight in the eyes. “Dear Lord, let her not see my faults and ugliness!” And then I ran. I ran off without a second thought of how it would make you feel, but all the while I felt this pain of abandonment and fear of rejection, it was the same feelings you had always felt within you. “Why is it so?” If you would ask me that question, I have to answer, “Because we are one soul in two bodies, whatever one of us feel, the other sense it too.”

I couldn’t lie to you, and neither could you lie to me. We are bound to see everything in each other, and it could and would be intense if neither of us has healed our wounds. We are lovers of the ancient times, incarnated in various lifetimes throughout the multiverse where we have been chosen to come here on planet earth to serve and become the warriors of the light. “Dear Lord, how do I serve humanity while I feel this longing for my beloved?” I asked God so many times when the aching pain in my heart jolt me to tears.

“Long not, because the beloved is within you,” God replied in such a confident voice. He commends the mission I am here to do and leads me through the narrow alley within my crippling mind. I felt so disordered mentally, but yet so strong spiritually. Emotionally I was a mess and physically weak into my bones. Whereas I found you out there, I’ve got to keep you safe within me. When I felt all hope was gone, you whispered tenderly with your mellow voice that I could still go on, and so I kept going on until this day.

The beloved I was seeking for out there was all along within me, and it was such a joy to understand the meaning “as within, so without,” and you filled my vessel up with love. Your angelic voice echoed in my mind reminding me to be soft with myself when I forget that there’s nothing wrong with life, that whatever poise to be difficult is in truth a blessing in disguise.

Yes, there’s nothing wrong with life, and there’s nothing wrong with me because – I AM the Life.

 

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A Loving Reminder

Beloved Miracle,

Whether you know it or not, being in a condition of self-destructive thoughts are harming and I know this to be true because I struggle to love myself unconditionally. As a sentient being, I am aware of the depth of my own emotions, and surprisingly it affects you as well. It doesn’t matter how many times I want to depart and “go home,” my feeling of responsibility won’t let me, because the mission I am here to do is not finish. It’s somewhat irresponsible to leave the world in its worst condition than before I came and I chose to descend for a reason, and it’s to leave this place better than what it was.

In the middle of everything I am going through, the continuous pattern of my destructive thoughts makes it hard for me to be a human being. Yes, I am a human being, but it’s half true to what I believe because walking this spiritual path has led me to experience being a human as a spiritual being and not a human being having a spiritual experience.

Dear, I know, I have been hard on myself for as long as I know. I have created a high standard for myself being like God, but I am not nearly as Godlike. And when I failed to be happy, to forgive and not judge, I felt such a disappoint towards myself. But through the humility of making mistakes in life, I learned not to be arrogant. God created us humans in His image and likeness, we are an extension of Him, and we do possess His qualities, merciful, kind, loving and forgiving, but we don’t have the power He possesses to be omnipotence.

The distinction from God and humans is the ego. God is pure light hidden within our heart, but to survive and thrive in this world, at times the heart must operate our ego. God directs and inspires us through the center of our soul which our ego must comply, and let go of the control so life would be more comfortable to live. So often we forget the connection we have with Him, and we unconsciously make the ego goes on auto-pilot. I wanted to be so perfect that I forgot that I am just here learning to love myself and everyone else as they are through unconditional love. Self-compassion is required on this journey of self-realization, and you as a miracle have reminded me that I need not be so hard on myself.

Live. Yes, I am living this life now to my fullest. “You got to do what you got to do,” you said. And I am doing it through being the love I yearn to experience. Who else is better than you to love me, and who else is better than me to love you, because as we are one; I am you, and you are me. Loving myself unconditionally with the thought that it will affect you in so many ways motivate me to strive to be happy and to create a life where I can feel free and joyful.

Let the focus of love in my thoughts transcend every criticism I have for myself when life gets tough because every loving idea of you is a reminder to love myself unconditionally.

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Dark Night of The Soul

The first time I had a dark night of the soul, I was literally in despair and immense pain. It was isolating and lonely. All I managed to do then was beating myself up for not being normal like everyone else. I felt like a failure, and I thought it would be so much easier if I never were born. I was in this endless loop where I couldn’t break free. Unhealthy patterns kept on repeating itself, and negative thoughts occupied the most room in my mind. I felt devasting for being so alone in a world where no one could understand how I was feeling and I was so good at helping others, but clueless on how to help myself.

But something happened that night.

I was lying in bed with tears welling up in my eyes, and I started to ask God for help – “Please God, help me.” After a while, I drifted into sleep not knowing if God heard my prayer or if he would answer it. I have never been religious, even though my family is Buddhist I was never a firm believer of a place call hell if you don’t eat every single grain of rice. I was the contrary of being a Buddhist because I was always on the path of seeking the truth and freedom, I believe in a God who is merciful. I believe in true love, the unconditional one where you can be forgiven for your sin. I was a spiritual rebellion deep down to my core, but never once did I feel I was spiritual until later when I truly understand the concept of being spiritual. Being spiritual was believing that you have a soul, a spirit which guides you to do things while being in complete trust that everything will turn out well no matter how difficult the situation is in that moment.

Did God answer my prayer that night? Yes, He did. It was like a miracle.

I had a subscription on Energica book club, each month they would send me a book, the books from Energica are usually about spirituality and self-help. One day I got a book in the mailbox which I didn’t understand would be so much help for me, it was a book by Lorna Byrne, Stairways to Heaven. I have heard of angels before, but never had such a close relationship with them until I read and experience my wake-up call, the awakening of my third eye. Lorna Byrne wrote an angel prayer in the last page of the book which I memories after finishing it. Several days after I started to feel the urge to meditate, and in my mind, I was saying to myself “there’s nothing to fear,” I grab my crystal pendulum and lay it on my forehead while lying down on my bed with eyes closed. I lied there and started to breathe slowly, and suddenly I felt a surge like being dragged into a tunnel, but this tunnel felt different, it was like seeing all the blood cells which were dark. Honestly, it’s hard to describe what it was, but after repeatedly saying “there’s nothing to fear,” I got past the “tunnel,” and I saw a light, not just a bright light, but I saw a light being with wavy hair and butterfly wings. She was golden and fluttered in front of my inner eyes. She was glowing in front of me for about a few seconds, and then I opened my eyes not knowing who she was. But It was beautiful and breathtaking. (Later when I ask my Akashic Records, they say I was seeing my own soul, the form of my celestial butterfly soul. Amazing, right?)

Within that week so much was happening to me, I got more sensitive than I usually was. I cried over the fact that Mother Gaia was in pain because I read a channel message from her. I was in tune and synchronicity started to happen. I read about Starseed from the Pleiades and got emotional, and I felt a sense of belonging and thought to myself “Finally I understand who I am!” and I started to weep tears of joy. Being a Starseed resonated with my soul, and before I knew what was going on, I felt I was ready without knowing what it was I was preparing for. That week God brought all His angels to secure my awakening. It was abruptly and dramatically. I was communicating with all the beings from where my soul came from. My higher self and Venus who I called Aphrodite. The prayer from Lorna Byrne’s book helped me because I was repeatedly saying it like a mantra, and I felt the angels were tuning my chakra by touching my feet and helped me to clear my throat. I was also being chased by these lower vibrational entities which tried to take me down, but all the while I was protected by Archangels and my guides.

Sounds crazy? It was no fun hearing the final of my diagnose from the psychologist, and if I could choose again, I wouldn’t have been so honest about what I experienced that week. But nothing wrong comes out of being honest, at least my life did turn out to be better than it used to be. And I believe there isn’t anything that is good or bad, there’s a thing that may or may not serve us, and good or bad stem from the thoughts which is the ego way of trying to define a situation.

Well, at least that situation brought me out of my shell and my loneliness. Everything started to make more sense to why I struggled so much on all of my romantic relationships and later on I began to embark on the journey of Twin flames love which also was the beginning of my understanding of myself. The awakening made me realize that I needed to love myself more, although the doctors and therapist made me feel like a crazy person who has hallucination and psychosis. What I see as delusion is that we believe in the illusion of our separation from God, from everyone and everything. We are one with all that is. Everything connects, and we can’t escape from the fact that we are spiritual, all of us, even if we aren’t conscious of our spirituality.

God or source, will always answer your prayer if you come to Him humbly and surrender your pride.

I believe help is on its way for humanity, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, because so many dark things are happening in the world when watching or reading the news. What you can do is stay away from the news for a while and concentrate on something that brings more positivity in your life instead.

If you are in the middle of your dark night of the soul, remember you are not alone. Reach out to people and never be afraid to ask for help. Whether God or people close to you or a stranger who knows about what’s going on when it comes to ascension. I’m sure your spirit will guide you to someone who will help catalyst and uplift your feelings without judging what you are going through or been through in the past.

It’s not wrong seeking medical help, even though they don’t understand the spiritual world or ascension, but sometimes a little medicine can help you to sort out what you need at that moment. Honestly, I don’t want to rely on medication my whole life, and it does numb my feelings to the extent that I feel apathy. I’m on the path of tapering the dosage I’m taking at the moment, and I pray that in the future things will change so that we all could be met with compassion and get real help to solve our issues and emotions without relying on the medicine too much.

All I’m saying is believe in yourself, get the help you need when it comes to your dark night of the soul, and listen to your own intuition. Each step towards self-realization will take you on the path of enlightenment.

Btw, I recommend this woman if you ever need an excellent ascension guide, Grace Solaris is the person you can count on. She radiates warmness and is very kind, and open-minded. She has helped me a lot during our session. Be free to browse through her webpage.

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Honesty Is The Best Policy

Every time I sit down to have a meal I feel like I’m going into a battle. I have this hate-love relationship with solid food; hate because of the fear of swallowing it and love because I do love tasty, delicious food.

I tried to date back to when this anxiety started to happen so many times and even discussed it with my friends, but to be honest, I never understand what it could be. There were two incidents I could remember which traumatized me while I experienced them.

1) I remember I was taking a sleeping pill which didn’t descend since I could feel the lump in my throat. I was anxious, so I told my roommate about it, and he said “Can you breathe? If you can then it’s nothing to worry, drink a lot of water, and it will eventually descend.” And he further explained that when you choke, you will undoubtedly cough and it will be hard to breathe. He was so calm when he told all these things, so I didn’t get a panic attack. I did what he said. I was trying to breathe normally and drank a lot of water, but to my dismay, I could still feel the lump.

2) I was sleeping at my best friend house, and I had this dream which I felt like a nightmare. I dreamt that my niece choked on something round and big, (I can’t recall what it was) but I was the one who felt she was choking which was odd (but dreams are always unexplainable and weird), and I was trying to swallow but couldn’t. The choking sensation was so real that I woke up in the middle of the night with sweat and heavy breaths.

(Later my little sister told me that my niece did choke on some candy, and luckily my little sister and her husband’s family was there to give my niece a Heimlich maneuver. Everything went well.)

I have always had dreams that come true which I don’t know is good or bad, but the feeling of déjà vu often comes up. As an empath, we do have that kind of ability. Having prophetic dreams is incredible, but usually, I wouldn’t know if it would happen in the real world or not, and that leads me to discard them as just dreams.

It was hard to trust my own gut instinct, or intuition when people often didn’t believe in me and also because I have suffered a great deal of low self-esteem since childhood which caused me to not believe in myself more often than not. (I’m better at it now than before).

Anyway, when I started on medication, and suddenly one day sitting at the dinner table I felt there was a lump in my throat, and when I tried to eat, I was so anxious that I lied to my family that I wasn’t hungry. Later I went to the doctor and got it checked out, but they didn’t find anything unusual. It was a psychological issue, and not a physiological one. It was tough. No matter how many times I chew my food, I still couldn’t swallow it, and it was so frustrating that I gave up trying to eat. The frustrating part was because I got anxious and nervous each time that I would rather starve myself and go for ice cream that melts than eating my favorite foods. And I don’t usually eat “sweet.” My doctor prescribed me nutrition drinks full of protein and advice me to go for soup for awhile while he also prescribed me more medicine which was Sobril (Oxazepam). I tried to take them once or two times but swallowing pills equal swallowing food so you can imagine how hard it was for me. Because of my phagophobia, the doctor has also switched my anti-psychotic medicines (Zyprexa/Olanzapine) to melting pills.

The downside to going to therapy is that they usually want you to take medicine to damper your symptoms instead of helping you to understand your emotions. I don’t take cold or flu medicine, what I do is rest when I feel I’m sick, but since my awakening in 2011, the wake-up call was just too dramatic that it gave me a medicine ticket “for life.” In my case, there’s no chance of talking to the therapist or doctor about spirituality or ascension. I feel I’m under “their” (lower vibrational entities) radar. I felt this apathy for a long while because my feelings were numb, and the phagophobia made me lose weight so much that I thought life was getting boring and hard to live. I was suicidal and had this urge to escape the reality so much that I rather sit in front of my MacBook and binge watch all the Chinese fantasy dramas I found on the internet.

Oh Lord, why did I develop this phobia? Food is the source of nutrition if I can’t eat then wouldn’t I fall into demise? This struggle is so real and hard to fix, although I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as when I got it, even though I still struggle, mostly when I’m stressing out. I have never been a picky eater, but because of the fear, I have been selective about which food I dim smoothly to swallow. I can’t enjoy a meal with friends or family at restaurants or cafe unless it’s soup or something soft in the menu. Whenever someone invites me out for lunch, dinner or just getting a bite, I freeze as not knowing what to say, because I don’t want to pay to poke at my food, it’s not cheap eating outside!

In the middle of it all, I develop a strategy. My strategy is to eat before a social gathering or not going at all. With close friends and family, they know I have this problem, so they will be very understandable if I don’t want to eat with them but instead buy a drink when we get together at the coffee shop. It’s acceptable, no further explanation. Often when my family gathers together to eat, I will first figure out what’s on the menu, if there’s something I feel like I could eat I would come, if not I will decline the invitation and stay home while eating my soft boil broccoli and tomatoes. Since I’m an introvert and highly sensitive to noises, I usually skip the family reunion and stay home reading or surf the internet instead. Karaoke is the thing for Asian people, at least Vietnamese people, and when my family gathers together they would sing, or talk loudly as if they were fighting.

My social skills are not bad, and I don’t avoid people, all I’m doing is making myself a priority. If I know, I’m low on energy I would rather stay home and recharge. I have come to term of being an introvert, and I’m perfectly satisfied being selective with whom I associate. I like socializing with few people rather than in big groups of people anyway, and mostly I get more connected with one person at a time than many at once.

Another thing worth mentioning:

I have had readings on my Akashic Records. They say this phobia is related to my throat chakra, which is to express myself verbally. All I needed to do was telling the truth, being honest about how I feel which was hard when I felt my feelings were never acceptable and because I dread fights and drama so much that I rather not. And to be honest, I never like to lie, but I often conceal my opinions and not talking at all about them which in my case is bad for me, since my needs won’t be met that way. After my psychosis last year, I have become so honest and direct without sugar coating anything my anxiety hasn’t occur so frequently as before when it comes to food. I’m more relax being myself and it does feel excellent to be able to air out my thoughts and feelings without feeling guilty or weird.

The only thing that still bothers me is losing my appetite due to stress, which hinders me to eat and it leads me to lose weight.

Honestly, the best policy is honesty, and even how challenging it is, I will continue being honest. Why is being honest a challenge? Well, people get so offended by it that I cringe every time I’m direct and honest. Truth hurts, people have to deal with it. I can’t make it my problem since I have enough to handle already.

It may be hard to open up and talk about your feelings, but do yourself a favor and foremost, be honest with yourself; then it will be easy, to be honest with others too.

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Adjust My Sails

And when you thought everything is sailing smoothly another layer of the onion needs to be peeled off.

I thought I was better at loving myself, but then someone or something triggered me, and I’m back at square one. It’s like the skeleton in the closet just jumped out and scared the shit out of me, which I thought I cleared out a long time ago. The emotional baggage that hasn’t been unpacked needs my attention, and this time around I can’t procrastinate and wish it would disappear. I need to air it out and go through every little feeling that lingered since I had avoided looking at it.

Now I’m looking at it – oh, boy, it’s really a mess. There are unresolved issues with my family, mostly with my mom, it has shown up as red flags since I thought to live with her was my way of forgiving her, but as time goes by I got stressed out, and the sight of her makes me feel so irritable. Living under the same roof makes me feel like I need to escape, and that’s something I tried to avoid, and I want to resolve the issue with peace as an adult. I don’t want the problem to prolong.

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy when there’s a lack of communication between us, and I don’t need her to say she is sorry for all the things she has done towards me in the past, all I need and want is to be heard and get my needs met.

Mom has always been temperamental, and scary when she gets angry, and it has been a real struggle between us for as long as I know. As an empath, I would yield and let her have her way until I reached my limits. She as a dominant and manipulative parent would make everything difficult for me. When she needed me to have an earful of yelling, she would sit across me and denied me of any feeling that erupted inside me because I probably didn’t do things right, even though in my right mind I felt I did my best to please her. And when I tried to stand up for myself and speak my mind, she would accuse me of being disrespectful, and the hardest thing was holding back tears when I wanted to cry because even that was not allowed. A lot of repressed emotions was bury beneath a “happy” smile for so long that I didn’t know they were there.

She controlled my every move and dictated me to do and say as she wished and pushed my limits and she knew how to manipulate me. She could nag when she needed something and when she felt she wasn’t getting what she wanted she would say “you do as I say because you love me.” In my teenage years, she even threatened to take her love away if I didn’t comply with her wish.

I never knew that my childhood with my mother would give me so much trouble later in my life, and now I’m 32 years old in dire need to move out for myself needed to sit down and talk to her eyes to eyes, open up and once again state my needs aloud. The table had turned because she needed me so much that she has to yield to my wish, I call it negotiating. I have developed this skill because of her. I don’t compromise, because it would disempower me, but instead, I’m willing to negotiate. Mom has witnessed my psychosis, and it had scared her many times seeing me being a completely different person. I don’t want to go into details, but everyone in the family has seen me with psychosis, and it sure was no fun for them.

Mom has changed a lot even though there’re still things she couldn’t change, but I don’t have the time to walk her through those changes, I can only change my attitude towards her. Now that I know myself better it’s wise to sit down and have a heartful discussion on what needs to be done because I’m losing weight and the phagophobia doesn’t vibe with stress. And luckily she loves me as much as I love her since she is willing to listen and do her best to understand me.

Throughout the years that have gone by I have, as I said, reading a lot of self-help books. There was a lot of anger inside me which I later understand was because I was hurt and wounded. When you are angry, it’s because you are hurt, or something injustice is happening towards you. There is no end to my shadow work, and every time I peel off a layer of feelings, I discovered another layer, and I have peeled off so many layers of emotions that I had repressed for so long that I become distressed and frustrated.

“When will it end? How much love do I need to pour into my heart and soul to feel whole again?”

Fortunately, with each experience of the psychosis, I grow mentally stronger. I don’t know how it happened, but I believe my connection with my higher-self has helped me. Being spiritual conscious helped me through the ordeal a lot, and it helps me to cope with the thought of being hospitalized. The ascension process has also pushed me to communicate my feelings out loud and talk about them, and if I don’t confront the problem, I will feel claustrophobic. Again the ascension process leads me to the claustrophobic feelings, in which it helps me to set myself free because it’s uncomfortable to walk around with unresolved issues.

As an INFJ I could easily do the “door slam,” since well, I have had enough of emotionally draining and hurts, but I don’t want my mom to feel worried, and I want harmony above all else. I have to cut her some slack by understanding that it hasn’t been easy for her either. The solution is obvious; I need space for myself away from her. I can do the “door slam” to just anyone I want if I feel they have crossed my boundaries, but I still love my mom a lot… but at times I wished I was a hermit living in the forest without anyone to bother me with anything.

(I thought about Buddha, he went and left his family and fortune, it was so easy because he wanted to save his family and people by finding a way to end the suffering. And here I am, envision a peaceful world where everyone can live in harmony, but unfortunately, I’m not Siddharta Gautama, I’m just a girl with hope and dreams for a better future for everyone involved. But Buddha never said I couldn’t be a Buddha, and Jesus never said I couldn’t be love… so…)

From the trials of growing up, I thank God that I had a mom who taught me how to know when someone is manipulative, deceitful, liars and even narcissistic. And the curse could also be a blessing, as an empath who feel so profoundly it’s truly nothing better to live as if the universe is always moving in static motion within me.

The solution is on its way, and there is still hope for me.

 

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