From The Star

through the universe into the world

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The Stillness of An INFJ

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A mouth can speak thousands of words, and it could become noises, but a silent mind contains the whole world of peace. You may ask “Why is that?” Well, when in stillness the world will slowly reveal itself to be in more harmony and the calm mind conceive the world to be more peaceful because this peace and this harmony comes from within you. And whatever chaos there may be out there you will feel no need to participate or talk about what’s wrong and right, since in stillness and complete silence you will be the observer of what happens and the actions will spring from a place of wisdom which will propel you in the right direction.

I find myself inspired to act from the heart when I am in this peaceful space of stillness. The mind receives thoughts and ideas throughout the day, and with a clear intention, we can easily choose to act from the wisdom of the heart. But if we have a chattering-mind, we could be indecisive, and it will be hard to perform when overthinking because the chattering mind makes up many possible and impossible situations from what kind of action we choose to act on, and it’s all based from past experiences. And over-analyzing what could happen in the future can give you anxiety because of the fear of the unknown. Preparation is not inadequate in itself, but if the preparation is done from fear of making a mistake the good intention of the action may be lost. Live in the moment, and the choice will be what you intend it to be while knowing that what happens is unfolding as it should be.

Listen to the heart, but at the same time take your mind with you. Listen to the wisdom of divine feminine within you and let your divine masculine take care of the action. When an action is taken, once again go into the heart-space of your goddess and let her nurture you and let things unfold naturally.

If you catch yourself in overthinking, stop it by saying “I approve of you,” and give yourself a chance to breathe. We might not have an off-switch from the thoughts that stream through the mind, but we can observe them, notice them and approve ourselves for not being able to be “perfect,” and accept the situation for what it is instead of wanting it to be any different—what it should be.

Even with our imperfections, we are always unique, and also if we can’t stop ourselves from overthinking, we can still love ourselves in spite of the way our brain works.

Be still, and let the heart leads the way.

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The Magic of The Universe

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The old module or the old 3D template of scarcity will always stand in the way for you to receive the abundance of the Universe. In God’s Kingdom, there’s no scarcity, His Kingdom is boundless, and in us lies the Universe because we are made of the stardust— we are Starseeds incarnated onto earth. Whether we see ourselves as a human being with a soul or not won’t change the fact that we are connected under the same heavenly sky. Each of us is interceded by an intelligence force which brings us closer together because when we ask the universe for what we need, it will be given to us by someone else. At the exact moment, we are open to receive the Universe will deliver what we have ordered with the right timing. Our vibration will manifest the things we need whether it’s through a situation or another person, because like attracts like.

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It happened to me very often when I ordered something from the Universe; I will get it. I don’t need to know how because it’s not my job to wonder if what I need will be met the way I wanted it to, instead I will let go and let God alter the situation and let Him works His magic through the Universe.

Today I talked to someone about Twin Flame journey, and we magically hit it off, because we were brought together for precisely this matter. And it wasn’t a coincidence to meet this kindred spirit. He had something I needed to learn from, and his message was simple but still profoundly for my Twin Flames journey. He taught me the virtue of being patient. “Be patient and trust the process, because you will get there and things will happen,” he said wisely. And in exchange, I answered his prayer by showing him a youtube video by a pair of Twin Flame healers, “Omg, that’s what I have prayed for from the Universe to send me healing!” We both were stunned and amazed by the fact that we both have been brought together on the same day and at the same time.

Another miracle that happened to me after the 11/11/11 portal was when my Twin Flame contacted me out of nowhere when we haven’t spoken to each other in 11 months. But before she approached me I have already prayed to God; I wrote Him a note, literally, and put it under the pillow and slept with it for about a few days. I asked Him to ask my Twin Flame to contact me as soonest as possible, and he answered me instantly without delay because after the 11/11/11 portal that night my Twin Flame took the initiative to talk to me. I was so surprised and happy that my heart skipped beats. And I swear never to doubt the Universe ever again.

Going through the change in life could be tough at times, but my Twin Flame came and encouraged me to live without overthinking and to honor her I took her advice to heart by being more active in sharing my writings on blogs and Tumblr.

Whoever going through the Twin Flame journey (A video of top 10 questions on Twin Flames) or being here as a Starseed must not forget that the Universe gots your back and are always ready to help and gives you the tools and guidance to live the life you are meant to live here on earth. We are here to uplift and help anchor our light into the ground of earth so that everyone will benefit from our gifts and higher vibrations.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.”

– Matthew 7:7

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The Tug-of-War

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So how do I experience the mental ward? Being an empath and having a diagnosed as schizophrenia paranoia gives me trust issue when it comes to the people at the medical unit. Sharing my feelings and talk about my problems with them means the risk of getting a higher dosage of Zyprexa which will eventually numb my emotions again.

Yeah, sure they listen, but they will always write a rapport where they think I need more medicine because NOW I’m too emotional charged with something I feel affected of either it’s the energy I absorbed at the ward or because I recently had to say goodbye to my best friend. (I have been to irrelevant with my messages and giving of too much information which she has no interest in knowing, and she cautiously asks me to back off. I took it personally because it was new to me that she didn’t want to keep in touch due to whatever she is going through at the moment. Even so, I didn’t make a fuss, all I said was ”Ok, I get it, now at least I know where I stand when it comes to our friendship.” Everything has changed between us; we’re not what we used to be. The feeling of sadness was intense enough for me to shed tears and I thought it would help to talk about it while being at the ward).

All this makes me think, “Am I too much?” After opening up to my contact person at the ward, lo’ and behold, I cried in front of her, and suddenly through my sniffing, she mentioned about the higher dosage of medicine my psychiatric intend to give me. (I have never like to cry in front of anyone because I don’t want to be seen as weak or dramatic). I felt like I made a mistake by being so open about how I feel regarding my feelings towards what happened with my best friend. I swear never to open up my mouth to talk about how I feel or think to anyone at all from now onwards. I will stick to my blogs and instead vent about stuff that strangers could read. I read a quote or meme on Pinterest where it says “I should have trusted my trust issue,” it feels on point at this moment.

I don’t know if locking myself within a shell is a good idea, but why do I need to change how I prefer things? Crying alone has helped me a lot when there are too many intense emotions which are hard to describe with words. And I’m not someone who would complain to others about my problems… Or even talk much about myself. So why should I start now? Sure, people will understand me more, and it would be easy for them to know how to treat me, but it also means that I get easily hurt too.

I feel I have a tug-of-war when it comes to letting people in or shutting them out. To suffer silently without telling anyone would maybe give me the space to heal on my own pace. All I need now is to find the strength even to start healing. The idea of “fixing” myself is far-fetched because what I need is not to be fixed, what I need are understanding and love, but I can’t ask others to do that for me, I get to do it myself. Meaning that self-love required to come from within the self, not from someone else or something else outside.

Maybe someone can teach me how to give a f**k. Right now all I’m thinking of is to curl into a ball and lie beneath the blanket and listen to songs that describe how I feel.

PS: I’m not giving up or giving in, I just thought I should surrender myself to the divine light, surrender everything to Father God.

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Stretching My Comfort Zone

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I have always challenged myself to step outside my comfort zone, and sometimes I would test the water before jumping in while other times I would jump in with head first. Either way, things always worked out for the best. The feeling of nervousness still surface when I do something new, but it will fade as soon as I calm myself down with deep breaths. The point is always to take action after careful consideration of what would be best to do, but we all do fear things that are unknown to us. And the future could be somewhat unknown since we never know what would happen. In our mind, we prefer things to happen a certain way, but in reality, it’s not always like that. All I know after learning how life works is to expect the unexpected.

What I usually do before taking action is to calculate and plan out the next step I would bring into realization so that my life will not stagnate. When I feel cornered or burned out taking action is needed whether it is to relax or to plan out the next step so I can get it out of my system. Over the last few months after discovering the INFJ personality type I have highlighted the most important things I need to do to be in balance. Get enough rest, making myself the priority, regulate times spending with family and friends, and of course “vent” about my feelings and thoughts to someone who is good at listening. I also decided that it’s crucial for me to approve of myself no matter what pops up in my head, whether I caught myself trying to explain why I chose to say what I said or did in the past to the person I told it to or just overanalyzing the past in bits and pieces.

Overthinking and overanalyzing has been one of my personality traits which I would like to change, even though I always find myself reflecting over life and what has been in the past which could be benefitting to how I can create my future. Although I like to take time for myself to reflect, I still feel that overthinking and overanalyzing without taking action could cause too much harm and engage in that kind of activity would overwork my brain too much so I rather not.

I’m going through a tremendous change at the moment which I feel would benefit me in the long run, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel nervous about it even though I have done it like a thousand times before. Change is inevitable, but I also like stability and balance, the sense of comfort which gives me the secure feeling of safety. I can adapt to change, but it would have to be gradual so that I can feel grounded. I’m going through these changes at a pace you could call “baby-step.” What course of action I will take will show itself in the now moment, and I have to have faith that the Universe always deliver what I need in the right timing. Patience is required when I have made an order to the Universe. Overthinking about it would delay my order, and I don’t want that to happen.

It’s 11/11/11 portal today, and manifestation is happening. I affirm that what I want will materialize because of the change I’m about to make.

Soon enough my comfort zone will widen, and I will live with less anxiety about not knowing what will happen in the future; it’s going to be so great!

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Dark Night of The Soul

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The first time I had a dark night of the soul, I was literally in despair and immense pain. It was isolating and lonely. All I managed to do then was beating myself up for not being normal like everyone else. I felt like a failure, and I thought it would be so much easier if I never were born. I was in this endless loop where I couldn’t break free. Unhealthy patterns kept on repeating itself, and negative thoughts occupied the most room in my mind. I felt devasting for being so alone in a world where no one could understand how I was feeling and I was so good at helping others, but clueless on how to help myself.

But something happened that night.

I was lying in bed with tears welling up in my eyes, and I started to ask God for help – “Please God, help me.” After a while, I drifted into sleep not knowing if God heard my prayer or if he would answer it. I have never been religious, even though my family is Buddhist I was never a firm believer of a place call hell if you don’t eat every single grain of rice. I was the contrary of being a Buddhist because I was always on the path of seeking the truth and freedom, I believe in a God who is merciful. I believe in true love, the unconditional one where you can be forgiven for your sin. I was a spiritual rebellion deep down to my core, but never once did I feel I was spiritual until later when I truly understand the concept of being spiritual. Being spiritual was believing that you have a soul, a spirit which guides you to do things while being in complete trust that everything will turn out well no matter how difficult the situation is in that moment.

Did God answer my prayer that night? Yes, He did. It was like a miracle.

I had a subscription on Energica book club, each month they would send me a book, the books from Energica are usually about spirituality and self-help. One day I got a book in the mailbox which I didn’t understand would be so much help for me, it was a book by Lorna Byrne, Stairways to Heaven. I have heard of angels before, but never had such a close relationship with them until I read and experience my wake-up call, the awakening of my third eye. Lorna Byrne wrote an angel prayer in the last page of the book which I memories after finishing it. Several days after I started to feel the urge to meditate, and in my mind, I was saying to myself “there’s nothing to fear,” I grab my crystal pendulum and lay it on my forehead while lying down on my bed with eyes closed. I lied there and started to breathe slowly, and suddenly I felt a surge like being dragged into a tunnel, but this tunnel felt different, it was like seeing all the blood cells which were dark. Honestly, it’s hard to describe what it was, but after repeatedly saying “there’s nothing to fear,” I got past the “tunnel,” and I saw a light, not just a bright light, but I saw a light being with wavy hair and butterfly wings. She was golden and fluttered in front of my inner eyes. She was glowing in front of me for about a few seconds, and then I opened my eyes not knowing who she was. But It was beautiful and breathtaking. (Later when I ask my Akashic Records, they say I was seeing my own soul, the form of my celestial butterfly soul. Amazing, right?)

Within that week so much was happening to me, I got more sensitive than I usually was. I cried over the fact that Mother Gaia was in pain because I read a channel message from her. I was in tune and synchronicity started to happen. I read about Starseed from the Pleiades and got emotional, and I felt a sense of belonging and thought to myself “Finally I understand who I am!” and I started to weep tears of joy. Being a Starseed resonated with my soul, and before I knew what was going on, I felt I was ready without knowing what it was I was preparing for. That week God brought all His angels to secure my awakening. It was abruptly and dramatically. I was communicating with all the beings from where my soul came from. My higher self and Venus who I called Aphrodite. The prayer from Lorna Byrne’s book helped me because I was repeatedly saying it like a mantra, and I felt the angels were tuning my chakra by touching my feet and helped me to clear my throat. I was also being chased by these lower vibrational entities which tried to take me down, but all the while I was protected by Archangels and my guides.

Sounds crazy? It was no fun hearing the final of my diagnose from the psychologist, and if I could choose again, I wouldn’t have been so honest about what I experienced that week. But nothing wrong comes out of being honest, at least my life did turn out to be better than it used to be. And I believe there isn’t anything that is good or bad, there’s a thing that may or may not serve us, and good or bad stem from the thoughts which is the ego way of trying to define a situation.

Well, at least that situation brought me out of my shell and my loneliness. Everything started to make more sense to why I struggled so much on all of my romantic relationships and later on I began to embark on the journey of Twin flames love which also was the beginning of my understanding of myself. The awakening made me realize that I needed to love myself more, although the doctors and therapist made me feel like a crazy person who has hallucination and psychosis. What I see as delusion is that we believe in the illusion of our separation from God, from everyone and everything. We are one with all that is. Everything connects, and we can’t escape from the fact that we are spiritual, all of us, even if we aren’t conscious of our spirituality.

God or source, will always answer your prayer if you come to Him humbly and surrender your pride.

I believe help is on its way for humanity, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment, because so many dark things are happening in the world when watching or reading the news. What you can do is stay away from the news for a while and concentrate on something that brings more positivity in your life instead.

If you are in the middle of your dark night of the soul, remember you are not alone. Reach out to people and never be afraid to ask for help. Whether God or people close to you or a stranger who knows about what’s going on when it comes to ascension. I’m sure your spirit will guide you to someone who will help catalyst and uplift your feelings without judging what you are going through or been through in the past.

It’s not wrong seeking medical help, even though they don’t understand the spiritual world or ascension, but sometimes a little medicine can help you to sort out what you need at that moment. Honestly, I don’t want to rely on medication my whole life, and it does numb my feelings to the extent that I feel apathy. I’m on the path of tapering the dosage I’m taking at the moment, and I pray that in the future things will change so that we all could be met with compassion and get real help to solve our issues and emotions without relying on the medicine too much.

All I’m saying is believe in yourself, get the help you need when it comes to your dark night of the soul, and listen to your own intuition. Each step towards self-realization will take you on the path of enlightenment.

Btw, I recommend this woman if you ever need an excellent ascension guide, Grace Solaris is the person you can count on. She radiates warmness and is very kind, and open-minded. She has helped me a lot during our session. Be free to browse through her webpage.

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Honesty Is The Best Policy

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Every time I sit down to have a meal I feel like I’m going into a battle. I have this hate-love relationship with solid food; hate because of the fear of swallowing it and love because I do love tasty, delicious food.

I tried to date back to when this anxiety started to happen so many times and even discussed it with my friends, but to be honest, I never understand what it could be. There were two incidents I could remember which traumatized me while I experienced them.

1) I remember I was taking a sleeping pill which didn’t descend since I could feel the lump in my throat. I was anxious, so I told my roommate about it, and he said “Can you breathe? If you can then it’s nothing to worry, drink a lot of water, and it will eventually descend.” And he further explained that when you choke, you will undoubtedly cough and it will be hard to breathe. He was so calm when he told all these things, so I didn’t get a panic attack. I did what he said. I was trying to breathe normally and drank a lot of water, but to my dismay, I could still feel the lump.

2) I was sleeping at my best friend house, and I had this dream which I felt like a nightmare. I dreamt that my niece choked on something round and big, (I can’t recall what it was) but I was the one who felt she was choking which was odd (but dreams are always unexplainable and weird), and I was trying to swallow but couldn’t. The choking sensation was so real that I woke up in the middle of the night with sweat and heavy breaths.

(Later my little sister told me that my niece did choke on some candy, and luckily my little sister and her husband’s family was there to give my niece a Heimlich maneuver. Everything went well.)

I have always had dreams that come true which I don’t know is good or bad, but the feeling of déjà vu often comes up. As an empath, we do have that kind of ability. Having prophetic dreams is incredible, but usually, I wouldn’t know if it would happen in the real world or not, and that leads me to discard them as just dreams.

It was hard to trust my own gut instinct, or intuition when people often didn’t believe in me and also because I have suffered a great deal of low self-esteem since childhood which caused me to not believe in myself more often than not. (I’m better at it now than before).

Anyway, when I started on medication, and suddenly one day sitting at the dinner table I felt there was a lump in my throat, and when I tried to eat, I was so anxious that I lied to my family that I wasn’t hungry. Later I went to the doctor and got it checked out, but they didn’t find anything unusual. It was a psychological issue, and not a physiological one. It was tough. No matter how many times I chew my food, I still couldn’t swallow it, and it was so frustrating that I gave up trying to eat. The frustrating part was because I got anxious and nervous each time that I would rather starve myself and go for ice cream that melts than eating my favorite foods. And I don’t usually eat “sweet.” My doctor prescribed me nutrition drinks full of protein and advice me to go for soup for awhile while he also prescribed me more medicine which was Sobril (Oxazepam). I tried to take them once or two times but swallowing pills equal swallowing food so you can imagine how hard it was for me. Because of my phagophobia, the doctor has also switched my anti-psychotic medicines (Zyprexa/Olanzapine) to melting pills.

The downside to going to therapy is that they usually want you to take medicine to damper your symptoms instead of helping you to understand your emotions. I don’t take cold or flu medicine, what I do is rest when I feel I’m sick, but since my awakening in 2011, the wake-up call was just too dramatic that it gave me a medicine ticket “for life.” In my case, there’s no chance of talking to the therapist or doctor about spirituality or ascension. I feel I’m under “their” (lower vibrational entities) radar. I felt this apathy for a long while because my feelings were numb, and the phagophobia made me lose weight so much that I thought life was getting boring and hard to live. I was suicidal and had this urge to escape the reality so much that I rather sit in front of my MacBook and binge watch all the Chinese fantasy dramas I found on the internet.

Oh Lord, why did I develop this phobia? Food is the source of nutrition if I can’t eat then wouldn’t I fall into demise? This struggle is so real and hard to fix, although I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as when I got it, even though I still struggle, mostly when I’m stressing out. I have never been a picky eater, but because of the fear, I have been selective about which food I dim smoothly to swallow. I can’t enjoy a meal with friends or family at restaurants or cafe unless it’s soup or something soft in the menu. Whenever someone invites me out for lunch, dinner or just getting a bite, I freeze as not knowing what to say, because I don’t want to pay to poke at my food, it’s not cheap eating outside!

In the middle of it all, I develop a strategy. My strategy is to eat before a social gathering or not going at all. With close friends and family, they know I have this problem, so they will be very understandable if I don’t want to eat with them but instead buy a drink when we get together at the coffee shop. It’s acceptable, no further explanation. Often when my family gathers together to eat, I will first figure out what’s on the menu, if there’s something I feel like I could eat I would come, if not I will decline the invitation and stay home while eating my soft boil broccoli and tomatoes. Since I’m an introvert and highly sensitive to noises, I usually skip the family reunion and stay home reading or surf the internet instead. Karaoke is the thing for Asian people, at least Vietnamese people, and when my family gathers together they would sing, or talk loudly as if they were fighting.

My social skills are not bad, and I don’t avoid people, all I’m doing is making myself a priority. If I know, I’m low on energy I would rather stay home and recharge. I have come to term of being an introvert, and I’m perfectly satisfied being selective with whom I associate. I like socializing with few people rather than in big groups of people anyway, and mostly I get more connected with one person at a time than many at once.

Another thing worth mentioning:

I have had readings on my Akashic Records. They say this phobia is related to my throat chakra, which is to express myself verbally. All I needed to do was telling the truth, being honest about how I feel which was hard when I felt my feelings were never acceptable and because I dread fights and drama so much that I rather not. And to be honest, I never like to lie, but I often conceal my opinions and not talking at all about them which in my case is bad for me, since my needs won’t be met that way. After my psychosis last year, I have become so honest and direct without sugar coating anything my anxiety hasn’t occur so frequently as before when it comes to food. I’m more relax being myself and it does feel excellent to be able to air out my thoughts and feelings without feeling guilty or weird.

The only thing that still bothers me is losing my appetite due to stress, which hinders me to eat and it leads me to lose weight.

Honestly, the best policy is honesty, and even how challenging it is, I will continue being honest. Why is being honest a challenge? Well, people get so offended by it that I cringe every time I’m direct and honest. Truth hurts, people have to deal with it. I can’t make it my problem since I have enough to handle already.

It may be hard to open up and talk about your feelings, but do yourself a favor and foremost, be honest with yourself; then it will be easy, to be honest with others too.

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Adjust My Sails

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And when you thought everything is sailing smoothly another layer of the onion needs to be peeled off.

I thought I was better at loving myself, but then someone or something triggered me, and I’m back at square one. It’s like the skeleton in the closet just jumped out and scared the shit out of me, which I thought I cleared out a long time ago. The emotional baggage that hasn’t been unpacked needs my attention, and this time around I can’t procrastinate and wish it would disappear. I need to air it out and go through every little feeling that lingered since I had avoided looking at it.

Now I’m looking at it – oh, boy, it’s really a mess. There are unresolved issues with my family, mostly with my mom, it has shown up as red flags since I thought to live with her was my way of forgiving her, but as time goes by I got stressed out, and the sight of her makes me feel so irritable. Living under the same roof makes me feel like I need to escape, and that’s something I tried to avoid, and I want to resolve the issue with peace as an adult. I don’t want the problem to prolong.

Forgiveness doesn’t come easy when there’s a lack of communication between us, and I don’t need her to say she is sorry for all the things she has done towards me in the past, all I need and want is to be heard and get my needs met.

Mom has always been temperamental, and scary when she gets angry, and it has been a real struggle between us for as long as I know. As an empath, I would yield and let her have her way until I reached my limits. She as a dominant and manipulative parent would make everything difficult for me. When she needed me to have an earful of yelling, she would sit across me and denied me of any feeling that erupted inside me because I probably didn’t do things right, even though in my right mind I felt I did my best to please her. And when I tried to stand up for myself and speak my mind, she would accuse me of being disrespectful, and the hardest thing was holding back tears when I wanted to cry because even that was not allowed. A lot of repressed emotions was bury beneath a “happy” smile for so long that I didn’t know they were there.

She controlled my every move and dictated me to do and say as she wished and pushed my limits and she knew how to manipulate me. She could nag when she needed something and when she felt she wasn’t getting what she wanted she would say “you do as I say because you love me.” In my teenage years, she even threatened to take her love away if I didn’t comply with her wish.

I never knew that my childhood with my mother would give me so much trouble later in my life, and now I’m 32 years old in dire need to move out for myself needed to sit down and talk to her eyes to eyes, open up and once again state my needs aloud. The table had turned because she needed me so much that she has to yield to my wish, I call it negotiating. I have developed this skill because of her. I don’t compromise, because it would disempower me, but instead, I’m willing to negotiate. Mom has witnessed my psychosis, and it had scared her many times seeing me being a completely different person. I don’t want to go into details, but everyone in the family has seen me with psychosis, and it sure was no fun for them.

Mom has changed a lot even though there’re still things she couldn’t change, but I don’t have the time to walk her through those changes, I can only change my attitude towards her. Now that I know myself better it’s wise to sit down and have a heartful discussion on what needs to be done because I’m losing weight and the phagophobia doesn’t vibe with stress. And luckily she loves me as much as I love her since she is willing to listen and do her best to understand me.

Throughout the years that have gone by I have, as I said, reading a lot of self-help books. There was a lot of anger inside me which I later understand was because I was hurt and wounded. When you are angry, it’s because you are hurt, or something injustice is happening towards you. There is no end to my shadow work, and every time I peel off a layer of feelings, I discovered another layer, and I have peeled off so many layers of emotions that I had repressed for so long that I become distressed and frustrated.

“When will it end? How much love do I need to pour into my heart and soul to feel whole again?”

Fortunately, with each experience of the psychosis, I grow mentally stronger. I don’t know how it happened, but I believe my connection with my higher-self has helped me. Being spiritual conscious helped me through the ordeal a lot, and it helps me to cope with the thought of being hospitalized. The ascension process has also pushed me to communicate my feelings out loud and talk about them, and if I don’t confront the problem, I will feel claustrophobic. Again the ascension process leads me to the claustrophobic feelings, in which it helps me to set myself free because it’s uncomfortable to walk around with unresolved issues.

As an INFJ I could easily do the “door slam,” since well, I have had enough of emotionally draining and hurts, but I don’t want my mom to feel worried, and I want harmony above all else. I have to cut her some slack by understanding that it hasn’t been easy for her either. The solution is obvious; I need space for myself away from her. I can do the “door slam” to just anyone I want if I feel they have crossed my boundaries, but I still love my mom a lot… but at times I wished I was a hermit living in the forest without anyone to bother me with anything.

(I thought about Buddha, he went and left his family and fortune, it was so easy because he wanted to save his family and people by finding a way to end the suffering. And here I am, envision a peaceful world where everyone can live in harmony, but unfortunately, I’m not Siddharta Gautama, I’m just a girl with hope and dreams for a better future for everyone involved. But Buddha never said I couldn’t be a Buddha, and Jesus never said I couldn’t be love… so…)

From the trials of growing up, I thank God that I had a mom who taught me how to know when someone is manipulative, deceitful, liars and even narcissistic. And the curse could also be a blessing, as an empath who feel so profoundly it’s truly nothing better to live as if the universe is always moving in static motion within me.

The solution is on its way, and there is still hope for me.

 

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Start Over

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I’m staring into space and let my mind wander. A thought comes to mind – “start over, pretends you never had a past.” My past has never been a dance on the rose since birth nothing has been smooth and from the day I realized my freedom was taken away from me, and the adults in my life have served me nothing but lies, I was on the path as a seeker.

I sought for the truth of why I was here on earth, why I was born and what comes after death. In my teenage years, I spent most of my time living in my head. I had few friends and was not popular at all in school. People saw me as this odd girl with no care for the world while I had thousands of thoughts in my head and tons of troubles at home. I would usually skip school and escape to the library where I found solace in books.

My mom was almost never present, and I had to take care of my younger siblings on top of trying to take care of myself while looking for my answers to the truth of my existence. I felt invincible and yet trapped because of my responsibilities. I never thought of myself as weird, but I did feel I was different from everyone else with all my thoughts and my calm demeanor, I spoke very little, and I was mostly quiet. Whenever we had a written task in class, I would write about sad stories that reflect my life which I never speak of.

Being quiet has always been one of my traits. I never speak for the sake of talking, if no one asks I would remain silent and even when someone asks I would find difficulty in articulating my answers. Expressing myself out loud was never easy and never my strongest point (I’m better at it now than before, but sometimes I would catch myself preparing for the speech), and probably that was the reason why people misunderstood me more than I would want them to be. I was very private, and no one could penetrate my secret world because I was terrifying that people would see through my vulnerability, so it was better to keep things for myself since the world was a “dangerous” place for someone like me.

“Start over,” might be a good idea, and I want to focus on building my future than wallowing in the past. Besides, right now, I’m the grandest version of myself, but there’s one thing I want to bring back from the past into this present moment, the attitude of not caring if people would like me or not because that was how I was. I never cared how I look for others since I spent the most time in my head – creating a world where I feel at home and whether people understand me now or not doesn’t matter. The most important thing is feeling a sense of belonging within myself and accept the girl I used to be.

Forgetting my past means forgetting everyone that was once there and left. I will start over.

a.a

From Improving To Recovering

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“I hate you.” It’s a thought which usually hit me from nowhere. Ok, yeah, I have made many mistakes in life, but I never once hurt anyone intentionally, although, I did kind of hurt myself since I always am more considerate to other’s feelings than my own. I was prone to say yes more often than I should, and let things slide to keep the peace. Confrontations have always been my weakness, and I used to let thing bottle up inside me until I explode.

“I hate you,” must be a thought that has been buried deep down inside me, could it be my inner child who tells me these words? Or did someone planted them in my mind because I couldn’t be who they want me to be? I’m not so sure who or what causes the thought “I hate you” to surface in my awareness actually, but lately, I have answered this thought with “I approve of you.” “I approve of the person you were and has ever been.”

I hadn’t had a psychosis since summer last year, and I think we all have a conversation in our head from time to time, but for me, for the past years since 2016, I have had meaningful discussions whether with myself or with someone close to me in my head. No, it’s not psychosis or voices in my head that I talked to. Did it occur to you that we have this inner voice, to others it’s perfectly reasonable because it’s so faint, but for some, it’s not normal because the voice could sound much louder? It occurs to me more often than not that I’m aware of my positive self-talk and listening to this inner voice within myself. I have been so good at listening to others people thoughts and stories, so when I finally hear myself, I could see what I need and want. And believe me, I need to tell this thought “I hate you,” that I approve of it, which means I approve of myself.

I could be my worst critic or the best friend to myself, so since I’m born with free will and have a choice, I did chose to be my own best friend and supporter.

It’s already hard to be an INFJ (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), an empath (highly sensitive with a touch of spirituality) and having this phagophobia (fear of swallowing food) in this world where everyone is more busy talking than listening. The world is going so fast that I need to slow down so I can catch my breath. The medical unit (or is it society?) disable me because I can’t cope with stress and prone to recharge myself too often because I don’t have a reservoir of energy to spend.

I’m wounded.

I had spent so many years reading self-help books and tried so hard to change and improve myself that I forgot to stop and look at the wonder of who I am. Complex yes, but never malicious. If telling the truth without sugar coating is malice, then maybe I’m a little.

As long as I hear “I hate you,” in my mind, I will always answer it with a firm belief that I don’t need to improve myself, but instead, I approve of myself, and I’m recovering.

Because that’s what it’s all about, this journey is to recover and heal from all past hurts and wounds so I can be who I am without feeling guilty of not being good enough.

a.a

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