What is better than the devotion of a Goddess who loves her beloved, her other self? Being in commitment to this Twin Flames mission has taken me to the highest peak of the mountain and the most profound depth of the ocean. I have felt the earthshaking rumble of the heart of Mother Gaia because of this adoration and admiration of my love to you.
At times when the flame of passion in me glowing faintly, you came and rekindled it with your encouragement and to sustain it I have to go into seclusion, away from the world out there. It’s not because I’m hiding in the shade and become a hermit, but it’s for self-perseverance, and it’s to feel serene and saint from a world which is not yet in harmony.
The altar within my Heart-space sanctuary is sacred, and it’s where I pray and commune with the divine feminine within me, the Goddess who also gently stripping away my false self so I can transform into her. This bodily vessel of mine is her to take and yours to keep, but first, she will cleanse and purify it before our union happens. Whether it occurs in spirit or this physical world, I will not resist the temptation to be whole again, because when our soul split into two, I have longed for you in lifetimes of incarnations. Who knows how long our separation has been because time is just a portion of our imagination in mind, an illusion, yet we are living in the moment of now, and doesn’t a moment feel like an eternity sometimes?
When the moon pulls my hair and makes the ebb and flow in my emotions, it robs me of my sleep, and then I know the Goddess has given me a quest to dive deeper into the ocean where she has hidden the treasure, the power of will. And even if the waves throw me back to the shore, I can’t stop because if I may not have this power, I will wither slowly and lose my way.
I have this innate ability to be resilient, remaining calm in the midst of chaos and a heart that swell with compassion and love. The Goddess has spoken, the luminous path she has put me on can’t be delay any further. While I am not beside you, my sweet, sweet love, I pray for you to find as much courage as you have given me to live a life you secretly desire for yourself within the altar of my Heart-space sanctuary, with or without me.
I thought of you again, and in my mind, I constructed another love letter which I would like to write down as soon as possible. I’m in fear it would disappear if I delay it for another minute that passes by.
As you may know, the terrorist of destructive thoughts in my mind has been threatening me to the point of suicidal many times and even how much I want to give in so that I can go back “home” to Venus, I couldn’t. First of all, I’m afraid of pain, and it would cause too much unnecessary drama. Second, leaving my family and my younger siblings behind without teaching them about self-love is too risky. Sure enough, they would maybe learn from someone else who may be more equipped than me to teach them how to love themselves, but still, they might be more depressed if their beloved family member is gone because of suicide. It would also mean that I teach them to give up living when their lives become too hard to handle, and as I said before, I don’t want to leave this world in its worst condition without making a change. And I’m also worried that you will be left alone, even though you might not know that you were left behind once I’m no longer here, but the secret I want to share with you is I have already told my best friend to give you the news if it ever happens.
But the good news is, I’m too strong for the terror of the destructive thoughts that may bombard me when I get triggered. If I have to curl into a ball and cry in the corner of the bed, I’m still going to wake up the next morning planning out my next step to conquer the world with my self-mastery. Because that’s what I’m here to do, I’m here to master myself through self-love, and once I have achieved a decent of proper balancing of self-mastery, I will be living as an example. Even though I might not help many by “doing” something significant, but only holding space for someone to go through their own process of awakening—one single person, I will be delighted to know I could contribute in his/her process of becoming their own master.
No matter how many times I tried to figure out how to serve humanity better, I couldn’t find any better way to do, than to be and to be honest, I couldn’t see myself as a life coach, healing practitioner, reiki or yoga master. I’m also reluctant in creating a plan and methods which people could apply in their daily lives so they can master themselves to vibrate higher. Because there are so many variations of self-help books, healing masters, ascension guides, etc. out there in the world already who teach them how to master themselves vibrationally, and it’s the same as what I want to be an example of.
Dear, I don’t want to copy anyone, I will die an original than to live as a copy, but in essence, I’m still a healer, but maybe my way is to be a spiritual-doer while hiding behind the scene with my words. Being cramp in a box is not what I intend to be, whereas there’s a specific group in this world of likeminded, I still want to go solo and stand alone. I seek solitude more often because of my identity, the blueprint of who I am.
Nevertheless, they say you attract your tribe with your vibe, and it’s also true, but even if I found my tribe, I still want to be an individual with my unique way of being, and I’m more happy writing love letters to you than seeking to profit or earn a living with my gift. Although it’s not wrong at all to make a living with what you are happy doing, money is just an exchange of energy, and it shouldn’t be seen as negative because in this modern world people still needs to pay bills, survive by buying foods to eat, paying for the rent, etc. But somehow in my heart, I feel another calling that nags me to do things differently. I’m not sure what this calling is or how it would manifest itself through me, and all I know is my guides told me “You don’t need to work, you don’t need to go to work!” I wasn’t sure why they said that at that moment, what I answered then was “I have a responsibility.”
My responsibility was paying the rent for the place I occupied, buying foods, and taking care of my needs, but little did I know that I am not equipped to have a regular job like everyone else. As soonest as I tried, I become stressed out, and I felt no passion or happiness. Another thing is because of my empathy, and being an empath with no tolerance for stress with a phagophobia has disabled me to function at work. And honestly, it’s so dull learning with no creativity at school that I don’t even care going back to get myself a certificate or a degree because the system of education stresses me out too much, too, with their tests and theories. I may sound lazy as if I don’t put much effort into my carrier, but this is just my way of being a light in the world with what I’m here to contribute. I’m here to give them a gift from an old soul who wishes to change the system to something better and less stressful, especially for those who are sensitive, empath, and highly sensitive to thrive in the future. Whichever path I have to take to make it come true will inevitably manifest themselves soon, that’s what I have been asking the Universe, and I have also received some signs and nudges. All I need to do is to take one step at a time.
So where do I get my income? Well, thanks to the welfare in Norway I’m getting by with enough for myself, and with every little dime, I will pay back with my service, whichever way it manifests itself. If ever I manage to “earn” money with my gift, I’m going share it abundantly to those who would need it more than me.
Come what may, even if the most efficient terrorist in my head come with their harassment when the night has fallen, and I “died,” I will be reborn anew each morning.
So rest assured, I will live even if I “die” each night because my will is—thy will.
Because after burning to ashes, the Pheonix will rise and prove it’s immortality.
The old module or the old 3D template of scarcity will always stand in the way for you to receive the abundance of the Universe. In God’s Kingdom, there’s no scarcity, His Kingdom is boundless, and in us lies the Universe because we are made of the stardust— we are Starseeds incarnated onto earth. Whether we see ourselves as a human being with a soul or not won’t change the fact that we are connected under the same heavenly sky. Each of us is interceded by an intelligence force which brings us closer together because when we ask the universe for what we need, it will be given to us by someone else. At the exact moment, we are open to receive the Universe will deliver what we have ordered with the right timing. Our vibration will manifest the things we need whether it’s through a situation or another person, because like attracts like.
It happened to me very often when I ordered something from the Universe; I will get it. I don’t need to know how because it’s not my job to wonder if what I need will be met the way I wanted it to, instead I will let go and let God alter the situation and let Him works His magic through the Universe.
Today I talked to someone about Twin Flame journey, and we magically hit it off, because we were brought together for precisely this matter. And it wasn’t a coincidence to meet this kindred spirit. He had something I needed to learn from, and his message was simple but still profoundly for my Twin Flames journey. He taught me the virtue of being patient. “Be patient and trust the process, because you will get there and things will happen,” he said wisely. And in exchange, I answered his prayer by showing him a youtube video by a pair of Twin Flame healers, “Omg, that’s what I have prayed for from the Universe to send me healing!” We both were stunned and amazed by the fact that we both have been brought together on the same day and at the same time.
Another miracle that happened to me after the 11/11/11 portal was when my Twin Flame contacted me out of nowhere when we haven’t spoken to each other in 11 months. But before she approached me I have already prayed to God; I wrote Him a note, literally, and put it under the pillow and slept with it for about a few days. I asked Him to ask my Twin Flame to contact me as soonest as possible, and he answered me instantly without delay because after the 11/11/11 portal that night my Twin Flame took the initiative to talk to me. I was so surprised and happy that my heart skipped beats. And I swear never to doubt the Universe ever again.
Going through the change in life could be tough at times, but my Twin Flame came and encouraged me to live without overthinking and to honor her I took her advice to heart by being more active in sharing my writings on blogs and Tumblr.
Whoever going through the Twin Flame journey (A video of top 10 questions on Twin Flames) or being here as a Starseed must not forget that the Universe gots your back and are always ready to help and gives you the tools and guidance to live the life you are meant to live here on earth. We are here to uplift and help anchor our light into the ground of earth so that everyone will benefit from our gifts and higher vibrations.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.”
– Matthew 7:7
Oh’ I pray that my vessel will be filled with love as the day goes by and I surrender to the heart and clear out space for the divine to commune with me. It’s strange to be in a body as a soul, at times I wonder if I am the light to the world, or will I be consumed by the darkness when I see death and destruction obstruct people to live in peace and harmony.
It was indeed lonely to start this journey while being in amnesia and forgot who I am. Looking back I have tried to fit in, but within me, I felt different. “Being a human is quite challenging,” I thought to myself. I have forgotten how to be me, the way I used to be before I descend to this place with so much density – the truth of being a light being was wiped out from my memories.
Within the passage of time, years and years went by I became an observer. I went about my day quietly while contemplating life’s mystery. “There’s nothing wrong with life, but why do people struggle so much?” I kept thinking about the way people interacted with each other. It was confusing and at times frustrating. People said one thing but meant something else. They lied about their feelings and ran for the truth. Slowly and sadly I adopted their behavior. I was never malice or managed to lie intentionally, but I figured out it was “good” to throw in a white lie when I didn’t want to do something or because I wanted to avoid talking about my true feelings. But then I found you, and it felt like home, and I wished not to lie anymore, because somehow you were looking right through me and asked me a simple question, “What are you doing?”
“What am I doing?” At last, I also asked myself this question. It felt so wrong to lie to my beloved, the one whose eyes have peered into my soul and stripped me off my mask. I loved you so much at that moment and at the same time I feared you would see how horrendous I was if you saw me naked because that was how it felt the moment you looked me straight in the eyes. “Dear Lord, let her not see my faults and ugliness!” And then I ran. I ran off without a second thought of how it would make you feel, but all the while I felt this pain of abandonment and fear of rejection, it was the same feelings you had always felt within you. “Why is it so?” If you would ask me that question, I have to answer, “Because we are one soul in two bodies, whatever one of us feel, the other sense it too.”
I couldn’t lie to you, and neither could you lie to me. We are bound to see everything in each other, and it could and would be intense if neither of us has healed our wounds. We are lovers of the ancient times, incarnated in various lifetimes throughout the multiverse where we have been chosen to come here on planet earth to serve and become the warriors of the light. “Dear Lord, how do I serve humanity while I feel this longing for my beloved?” I asked God so many times when the aching pain in my heart jolt me to tears.
“Long not, because the beloved is within you,” God replied in such a confident voice. He commends the mission I am here to do and leads me through the narrow alley within my crippling mind. I felt so disordered mentally, but yet so strong spiritually. Emotionally I was a mess and physically weak into my bones. Whereas I found you out there, I’ve got to keep you safe within me. When I felt all hope was gone, you whispered tenderly with your mellow voice that I could still go on, and so I kept going on until this day.
The beloved I was seeking for out there was all along within me, and it was such a joy to understand the meaning “as within, so without,” and you filled my vessel up with love. Your angelic voice echoed in my mind reminding me to be soft with myself when I forget that there’s nothing wrong with life, that whatever poise to be difficult is in truth a blessing in disguise.
Yes, there’s nothing wrong with life, and there’s nothing wrong with me because – I AM the Life.
The hour of darkness is approaching us slowly, winter is right around the corner, and the frost will cover the land with snowflakes. It’s a season of rest where everything will lay still waiting to grow again in spring. Between the day and night, the hours of business don’t forget that within you the buds of the flowers are waiting to bloom. As you remind me to live, I want to remind you to rest and nurture yourself so that the buds within you will flourish when spring arrives.
The world is moving at a fast pace, and everyone includes us are prone to stress and forget to breathe. We lament over the loss of our youth because of this fast track where we can’t stop to enjoy what is. What is, is. The beauty of nature, of the sunset and the stars, are often being overlooked because we tend to be caught up in our daily tasks. There are bills to pay, relationships to deal with and jobs we need to go to, and with all the respect for the lives that has always been, it’s still not the way to live our lives. I can’t speak for all of us, but I’m speaking on behalf of those who yearn to find meaning in their lives.
Before I met you, life was a struggle, and I sought after my purpose of living. I wandered in the darkness trying to find my way out. I never thought that everything I experienced in the past led me to you. I had this inner compass which I was so afraid to use because no one has ever taught me how to use it, but still, I was out there seeking and knocking on doors to find the meaning to my life. At times I failed and fell into prey for people’s unconscious behavior, I made heaps of mistakes, but I learned from them, mostly the hard way. Although life had it twists and turns the road towards my life purpose was litten up like neon signs, and sometimes I got lost in the myriad of dark imagining where I needed to meet my shadows and demons, but I still manage to pave my way and prepare myself to meet you.
What happened to my life when I met you? Honestly, you turned my world upside down, and the wall I had built around my heart crumbled because the foundation within me was already filled with cracks. It wasn’t steady at all, and the disordered of who I was then began to show its ugly head. You mirrored back to me everything I needed to heal, at times it was so intense that I needed to pull away and even run because I wasn’t ready to meet myself that deeply. Also though I run for life, I still yearn to love you and be loved unconditionally. The interlude between pulling away and reconnecting between us escalated as time pass by. I saw the beauty in you, but at the same time, I saw my own ugliness. The wounds of not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc were overwhelming. It even made me so sick and dizzy. All the while I felt I needed your love, you in the other hand decided to pull away, but it was in truth my salvation. Because of the time, we spent from each other was the only time I needed to heal myself and to recover from my traumas and issues. Even though I wasn’t blindfolded, but I was still blind from the fact that whatever I needed was within me, and you were there to light up my way and guide me through.
The meeting with you in this physical world has given me so much, and because of you I also find a meaning to my life, and it’s to live to the fullest while overcoming the shadows within my mind and heal what needs to be healed. There is so much shadow work I’m doing at the moment while pouring out my love to you; meanwhile, you are not here, I remind myself to give as many thoughts to love myself fully too. If I can’t love myself unconditionally, then I can’t love you the same way which I know I want to, because at my core I know this is what is most real to me. Worldly love of the old 3D template is in no comparison to the divine love I am here to emit.
While I found you, I found my life purpose, and it’s the simplest thing in the whole world; being an example of unconditional love.
You are the unconditional love I am here to experience and teach – the most significant meaning in life is to love.
Whether you know it or not, being in a condition of self-destructive thoughts are harming and I know this to be true because I struggle to love myself unconditionally. As a sentient being, I am aware of the depth of my own emotions, and surprisingly it affects you as well. It doesn’t matter how many times I want to depart and “go home,” my feeling of responsibility won’t let me, because the mission I am here to do is not finish. It’s somewhat irresponsible to leave the world in its worst condition than before I came and I chose to descend for a reason, and it’s to leave this place better than what it was.
In the middle of everything I am going through, the continuous pattern of my destructive thoughts makes it hard for me to be a human being. Yes, I am a human being, but it’s half true to what I believe because walking this spiritual path has led me to experience being a human as a spiritual being and not a human being having a spiritual experience.
Dear, I know, I have been hard on myself for as long as I know. I have created a high standard for myself being like God, but I am not nearly as Godlike. And when I failed to be happy, to forgive and not judge, I felt such a disappoint towards myself. But through the humility of making mistakes in life, I learned not to be arrogant. God created us humans in His image and likeness, we are an extension of Him, and we do possess His qualities, merciful, kind, loving and forgiving, but we don’t have the power He possesses to be omnipotence.
The distinction from God and humans is the ego. God is pure light hidden within our heart, but to survive and thrive in this world, at times the heart must operate our ego. God directs and inspires us through the center of our soul which our ego must comply, and let go of the control so life would be more comfortable to live. So often we forget the connection we have with Him, and we unconsciously make the ego goes on auto-pilot. I wanted to be so perfect that I forgot that I am just here learning to love myself and everyone else as they are through unconditional love. Self-compassion is required on this journey of self-realization, and you as a miracle have reminded me that I need not be so hard on myself.
Live. Yes, I am living this life now to my fullest. “You got to do what you got to do,” you said. And I am doing it through being the love I yearn to experience. Who else is better than you to love me, and who else is better than me to love you, because as we are one; I am you, and you are me. Loving myself unconditionally with the thought that it will affect you in so many ways motivate me to strive to be happy and to create a life where I can feel free and joyful.
Let the focus of love in my thoughts transcend every criticism I have for myself when life gets tough because every loving idea of you is a reminder to love myself unconditionally.
If feelings were words, I would use words to make you feel my pulsating heart beating to the drum of unconditional love. How else can I convey the messages better than to start over and turn this blog into a container of my unconditional love to you? Words can poise as empty and meaningless without actions and thinking that I’m unable to act through my calling, the heart that yearns to speak through my fingertips are utterly impossible because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
The world has been so dark and cold before I met you, but at last the fire which you spark in me has accelerated my soul to wake up from its slumber. Darkness is no longer, and the warmth from the heated fire melt my entire being, life is no longer listless as it once was. Before I knew what awakening meant, I felt the longing for true love profoundly, but to awaken to the truth of our Twin Flame love has subdued it, even in denial I still couldn’t move on completely. I believed it was all a hoax, because how can someone be my other self blindly denied our connection? The conclusion was – you weren’t the one for me, and I “moved on” in the hope of finding someone else, but no matter who I approached or met, the Universe keeps sending me back to you.
We are so entangled in each other even if our lives seems to separate us further apart. Thoughts of you would appear in my mind without me trying to think of you. Your name felt like a mantra I keep reciting, and at times I felt stuck. I’m stuck because I couldn’t move on entirely even how much I wanted to, and I have used many kinds of methods to forget you, and I have also cut cords energetically as a way to declare “I give up,” but the Cupid who has struck his “love arrow” in me won’t leave me alone. He was always there reminding me of the love I so dearly desire to experience in this lifetime – true unconditional love.
Dear, what shall I do, but surrender to the force of love. Surrender beneath your grace and beautiful soul. I am not here to fight battles against non-believer of true love, neither do I want to compete with anyone. I surrender my heart and soul to the woman I love deep within my heart, the other self of my soul. Therefore I have concluded that I shall open my heart wider, the door is open, and I am determined to heal and recover from all wounds, past, and present. I am now committed to this journey of Twin Flame Love.
Whether the Universe intend us to reunite or to want me to heal alone so I can help accelerate others to heal is beyond my control. Whoever you are with I wish nothing but the best for you, and I’m sure I will be fine with or without you in this lifetime, because dear, our connection is a golden thread which no one can cut, no time and distance can separate.
I humbly surrender to the divine in you as it’s in me.
So how do I experience the mental ward? Being an empath and having a diagnosed as schizophrenia paranoia gives me trust issue when it comes to the people at the medical unit. Sharing my feelings and talk about my problems with them means the risk of getting a higher dosage of Zyprexa which will eventually numb my emotions again.
Yeah, sure they listen, but they will always write a rapport where they think I need more medicine because NOW I’m too emotional charged with something I feel affected of either it’s the energy I absorbed at the ward or because I recently had to say goodbye to my best friend. (I have been to irrelevant with my messages and giving of too much information which she has no interest in knowing, and she cautiously asks me to back off. I took it personally because it was new to me that she didn’t want to keep in touch due to whatever she is going through at the moment. Even so, I didn’t make a fuss, all I said was ”Ok, I get it, now at least I know where I stand when it comes to our friendship.” Everything has changed between us; we’re not what we used to be. The feeling of sadness was intense enough for me to shed tears and I thought it would help to talk about it while being at the ward).
All this makes me think, “Am I too much?” After opening up to my contact person at the ward, lo’ and behold, I cried in front of her, and suddenly through my sniffing, she mentioned about the higher dosage of medicine my psychiatric intend to give me. (I have never like to cry in front of anyone because I don’t want to be seen as weak or dramatic). I felt like I made a mistake by being so open about how I feel regarding my feelings towards what happened with my best friend. I swear never to open up my mouth to talk about how I feel or think to anyone at all from now onwards. I will stick to my blogs and instead vent about stuff that strangers could read. I read a quote or meme on Pinterest where it says “I should have trusted my trust issue,” it feels on point at this moment.
I don’t know if locking myself within a shell is a good idea, but why do I need to change how I prefer things? Crying alone has helped me a lot when there are too many intense emotions which are hard to describe with words. And I’m not someone who would complain to others about my problems… Or even talk much about myself. So why should I start now? Sure, people will understand me more, and it would be easy for them to know how to treat me, but it also means that I get easily hurt too.
I feel I have a tug-of-war when it comes to letting people in or shutting them out. To suffer silently without telling anyone would maybe give me the space to heal on my own pace. All I need now is to find the strength even to start healing. The idea of “fixing” myself is far-fetched because what I need is not to be fixed, what I need are understanding and love, but I can’t ask others to do that for me, I get to do it myself. Meaning that self-love required to come from within the self, not from someone else or something else outside.
Maybe someone can teach me how to give a f**k. Right now all I’m thinking of is to curl into a ball and lie beneath the blanket and listen to songs that describe how I feel.
PS: I’m not giving up or giving in, I just thought I should surrender myself to the divine light, surrender everything to Father God.
I have always challenged myself to step outside my comfort zone, and sometimes I would test the water before jumping in while other times I would jump in with head first. Either way, things always worked out for the best. The feeling of nervousness still surface when I do something new, but it will fade as soon as I calm myself down with deep breaths. The point is always to take action after careful consideration of what would be best to do, but we all do fear things that are unknown to us. And the future could be somewhat unknown since we never know what would happen. In our mind, we prefer things to happen a certain way, but in reality, it’s not always like that. All I know after learning how life works is to expect the unexpected.
What I usually do before taking action is to calculate and plan out the next step I would bring into realization so that my life will not stagnate. When I feel cornered or burned out taking action is needed whether it is to relax or to plan out the next step so I can get it out of my system. Over the last few months after discovering the INFJ personality type I have highlighted the most important things I need to do to be in balance. Get enough rest, making myself the priority, regulate times spending with family and friends, and of course “vent” about my feelings and thoughts to someone who is good at listening. I also decided that it’s crucial for me to approve of myself no matter what pops up in my head, whether I caught myself trying to explain why I chose to say what I said or did in the past to the person I told it to or just overanalyzing the past in bits and pieces.
Overthinking and overanalyzing has been one of my personality traits which I would like to change, even though I always find myself reflecting over life and what has been in the past which could be benefitting to how I can create my future. Although I like to take time for myself to reflect, I still feel that overthinking and overanalyzing without taking action could cause too much harm and engage in that kind of activity would overwork my brain too much so I rather not.
I’m going through a tremendous change at the moment which I feel would benefit me in the long run, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel nervous about it even though I have done it like a thousand times before. Change is inevitable, but I also like stability and balance, the sense of comfort which gives me the secure feeling of safety. I can adapt to change, but it would have to be gradual so that I can feel grounded. I’m going through these changes at a pace you could call “baby-step.” What course of action I will take will show itself in the now moment, and I have to have faith that the Universe always deliver what I need in the right timing. Patience is required when I have made an order to the Universe. Overthinking about it would delay my order, and I don’t want that to happen.
It’s 11/11/11 portal today, and manifestation is happening. I affirm that what I want will materialize because of the change I’m about to make.
Soon enough my comfort zone will widen, and I will live with less anxiety about not knowing what will happen in the future; it’s going to be so great!