I Found Peace In Breathing

Time pushes me to breathe, inhale and exhale with no desire. I hoped so much and wanted more than I get, but whatever I needed then, was fulfilled in a way I knew not would be possible today.

Someone asked me, “Do you feel like you are doing something meaningful in your daily life?”

With a smirk on my face, I answered, “I don’t think of what I do in my everyday life to be meaningful. If I have to look for ways to do things with meaning then I have to strive, and I’m too lazy for that, but I’m pretty much satisfied, and to be satisfied is meaningful enough.”

I have learned to not ask for anything from anyone or wanting things to happen the way I want it, not either from God. My prayers are simple; breathing. I don’t want to exhaust myself by waiting for my wish to be granted, only, because I have spent my time waiting for it to happen that I forget everything else and it rarely happens.

“Why?”

To your question, “I find no evidence for the person I love to come back to me even how much I have hoped or wished. It doesn’t work that way, and there’s no other way to make it happen. To imagine her coming back is like being deluded with delusion. I guess God wants me to get real, even if the truth hurts, but at least it forced me to see the reality; jolted pain numbs me enough to lose any desire to wish for the impossible.”

So I keep my life simple with breaths and heartbeats, at least it’s possible enough to achieve peace without fault.

a.a

SOS

His world comes crashing down without any warning, his mind covered with dark shadows, and light couldn’t enter like it used to. A faint of fear is enough to paralyze him from jumping. He is scared of death, but anxiously crying for how he will continue to live. He wanted to be seen and be rescue from his demons who chased him down the path to despair. His demons live like shadows in the morning, never once leave his side, and at night they cornered him with terror.

He has been swallowing back his words all too often, remains silent instead of spoken out loud while sending out a call for help; SOS with his sobbing tears.

a.a

Halfway Through

The minute you said you choose him over me, my heart shattered, and I hate you for it, but at the same time my love for you won’t let me bear a grudge, it says “Oh darling, you are too good to be true, hate can eventually turn into love, too.”

And the seasons passed, and year after year my heart was left vacant with the door closed, and time after time I have to pull the curtains apart to let the sun shines in where the shadows used to creep in.

I feel frazzled at how you still powered me up like a light bulb without being present in my life… how can it be when we are miles apart? You are with someone, and I’m alone with sad songs, you have someone, I have only memories of our shared times. I’ll get by; I’ll cope with it, that’s what I thought, but loneliness was too much to bear. I moved on halfway because I realize waiting for you to come back is like flying a kite without the string, I can’t reel it in, and eventually, it will land somewhere far away, and I can’t find it, just like you will not come back; you have settled with someone else for all eternity.

The second half? The truth is; I’m still in love with you, and I hate it so much because my soul won’t let me move on entirely, and decades will go on, and I’m here coping with the lost forever;

halfway through.

a.a

Heaven On Earth

Why do you believe you are living on earth? You must open your eyes to see heaven and not hide in the illusion. The day and the night are like two sides of the same coin, defined, but you must know dreams doesn’t care if your eyes are shut asleep or open in the light.

The road ahead may seem long, but eventually, you will see beyond the horizon where meadow and hills are rising to touch the sky. Climb the mountain or swim in the ocean, sit still or run, you will reach your destination in no time.

Time doesn’t exist so why fear? Age is a number, and your body is of ashes. Don’t be hung up in fear of death that you forget to live. When all is set, you will see the earth as heaven you have searched for so long.

a.a

Goodbye

Memories threads through a red string attached to my little finger, along with the line I found it was knotted loosely around your foot, so loose that I barely felt that you have long ago walked away.

I have fallen so many times for the wrong person, so many times that I wished you would be the last; however, I never expected that you weren’t the one for me. I have come to realize, I’m not right for you, and to hear the sound of your footsteps walking away from me is saddening, but what I also know is that life moves on.

The red string attached to my little finger won’t come off, because I have carefully knot it too tight around it, and because I didn’t want to lose you and our memories I knit the loose end to my arm wrist wearing it like a bracelet.

You walked away and didn’t phrase your reason, but I guess I didn’t need to know because farewell is such a hard word to say to a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, you are scared she would break easily, but honey, she has already been broken, because you weren’t the first to break her. Your silence isn’t her salvation it’s her strength of carrying on that save her from all the thing she would want you to say but never got a chance to hear because you rather choose the easy way out.

I won’t blame you, for who knows what’s right to do, when the world expects too much of you.

I wish there will be continuing in our story, but I figure the page end here and see your back from a distance is like punctuation mark of the last word –

Goodbye.

a.a

Does It Matter?

Should I wait? Should I call or at least text you?

It doesn’t matter as long as you are happy wherever you are right now. I might be delicate, but I’m strong enough to stand alone. I don’t find myself aching anymore. My heart has been too broken many times, but for each time it gets a bit less void, the sun rays enter it, and I leave the cracks the way it was. I have nothing else but patience, and I endure the wait for something that gives me meaning. It doesn’t matter, however, youth is not going to come back, so I better live my life to the fullest. If we are meant to be in each other’s lives, time will tell.

Until then, I hope you live a happy life.

a.a

Tranquility

Every time you sit there with no one else but yourself
Dive deep into that ocean and look for your soul
Diamonds and pearls that hide in there are waiting for you

Dive deeper, and you will find the most beautiful
And precious girl you haven’t yet to know
She is waiting for you with every breath you take
Look for her, and she will tell you her deepest longing
Ask her out, and she will answer your deepest longing

She is there, always there.

You have to take time
And swim in her ocean,
Even the ocean waves throw you back to the land
Keep on diving

Only there will you see the tranquillity of her mind.

a.a

I Have Myself

I don’t want to keep running in circle or drowsy waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. Yeah, I’m tired of searching for gold at the end of the rainbow and hunting for an elusive love which always slips through the gap between my heart and mind. The abyss of my longing is now flowing like a river out to the big sea, and I’m leaving its shore under the sunset at the end of my craving for a relationship that would last forever.

Because love came and you run for life; I’m left alone. I have come to learn that even if I’m left to myself, alone in my own company, I’m still okay. So what if I’m alone? It’s not the worst that could happen, and I would rather go solo than trouble myself with a lover who is scared of the tide of my emotions. Yes, I’m intense, and I love hard, sometimes so hard that my tears are flooding and brimming over before it even started.

Silly me, I forgot I’m just a girl at heart, delicate and gentle. However, my monstrous strength to overcome any hurdle always helps me to bounce back and I have become resilient in the face of calamity. I’m so vulnerable to wear my heart on my sleeve, so fragile that even it hurts it doesn’t hurt as much longer. My heart is like a sponge, soft and squishy; it doesn’t break like glass. That’s why I have decided; I will love again even how arduous my journey may be, because you know what, the rainbow always comes after a shower of rain. I don’t need gold when I have my soul, and I don’t need a lover when I have myself.

a.a

We Are Close

There is closeness in our silence. Everything is how it suppose to be. We don’t need to rush, no words are needed, and surely nothing can break the bond we share. Somehow I’m sure we feel each other on a level that no one can come close to. It seems like we go the separate way, but actually, we are moving in the same direction. Our destination is harmony, and our path is a joy. We grow from a temporary distance into the closeness – bonded in eternal love.

a.a

Illuminated

I daydream with eyes open, seeing the future before me with a handful of memories from the past.

Dim the light for tonight, because I have invited the moon and stars through my window, they are loyal to the very end of each night hearing my lament in their presence.

I count the days, but time keeps slipping through my fingers like sand in an hourglass.

Dim the light for tonight, so the moonlight could seep through the curtains and sing me a lullaby, a song so familiar that my heart falls at ease.

For each season, a new hope is born. Just like when winter reaches its end, spring will knock on my door and invites me to walk through the field of faith.

The end of yesterday’s night is the beginning of a new morning where the sun greeted me with grace, with rays dancing before my eyes and enveloping my entire being.

The wonder of the cosmos illuminates me.

a.a

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