Beloved, Twin Ray
I spent a lifetime looking for you in everyone else, trying to control my destiny with sheer force to make it happen. A lifetime peeling off the layers covered my heart and tamed the mind to obey the divine within me, and yet I failed so utterly to find you. I went high, then low, above then beyond, and when my heart sang a tune so familiar, I scattered my love amongst the flowers around me with the hope that it would bloom as gracious as the love I have within me. The illusion that separates us feels so real that my mind got stuck and refused to obey and let go; it creates such sorrow and grief within this illusion that it wreaks havoc in my life. And like the flower, I wither day by day, not knowing how to stop this insanity created by the mind. There’s this deep fear that if I am not in control, then I won’t be able to find you, that what if you don’t come into my life? I will spend the rest of my life on this very earth in longing for a love I am made for. I am made of love because my entire being was created by it a long time ago, a time where time didn’t even exist. I have eyes to see, but I feel so blind. The stubbornness of holding onto the fear weary me out to the point I have reached my limits to care about whether I fall to my demise or rise back to the throne is for the divine to intervene. I let go now, for the thousand times of looking for you, for I am so blind in perceiving the illusion as real that my heart is starting to go cold. I am frozen, covered by the frost of the snow, dormant lying in wait, letting go of control to stay afloat, alive, and surrender to the natural rhythm of the seasons. And the day will go by without me knowing if you will come or forever hidden somewhere, and it will be my fate to walk the earth alone. I am walking away now, turning my back to the illusion that seemed so real.