Beloved, Twin Ray
I tried so hard to make myself happy, to make you and everyone else happy, that I condemn myself for being unhappy. I am unsatisfied with being a human being with desires and wants, yet unable to attain them by seeking it outside myself. I struggle so hard, and it made me hate myself so much that I closed my heart from feeling loved or love for myself. Today I realize it’s nothing outside myself that made me unhappy; it was merely a state I created within me, and I know now, there’s no cause for this unhappiness, no reason or explanation to why. I stop looking for answers, for why I can’t make myself happy or why nothing outside me seems to make me happy; it is how it is. Instead of striving to be satisfied, I envelop the state of being unhappy with understanding and acceptance; no judgment of how it suppose to be, but instead, let it be for what it is. And magically, I felt my life still moves, and the love is there; I am not paralyzed or immobilized to do anything. There’s no one to blame, and I need not explain myself to anyone; nothing outside myself is at fault. Therefore love can flow through me effortlessly because a state of being happens from moment to moment. And as strange it might sound, I find it’s beautiful because it was not artificial; no mask needed to hide it behind. A gentle smile is all there’s to express that it’s ok, and it’s a genuine smile because I’m not trying to escape or make anything happen, but being satisfied with being unhappy. A state that comes and goes, and I am again in my power to live moment by moment. A past had its moments, a moment has its past, and so moments passed, and now is all there is; embracement.