Today I feel like starting all over again. Yes, I have done it many times, but life has its sequences, and the end of a phase is the beginning of a new adventure.
I have tried to look hard to find a meaning to life, but as more as I looked outside myself the less, I saw what I wanted to seek. My search began at a very young age; all I cared about when the depression hit me hard was to understand life and death; the existence of who I am and why I am here.
Mental illness wasn’t something I purposely wanted to have, but for a grander meaning, it was something I’ve chosen before I incarnated here on Mother Earth. It was difficult to wallow in low vibration, and everywhere I went I couldn’t seem to shake it off. As an empath, I absorbed everything that comes into my space, that means whether it was high or low energy; I would unconsciously absorb them in like a sponge. I didn’t even know that most of what I carried within me was not my own, but people’s and places.
I fought hard to survive and to thrive since the beginning of my life as a kid, and I am 32 years old now. It wasn’t easy when my self-worth and self-esteem was at the lowest because, from a very young age, things weren’t great around me, and it was also one of the reasons I developed depression. I grew up in a very toxic environment, and as a child, all I wanted to have was safety and security. It was when I didn’t want to fight anymore and surrender to the fact that I couldn’t do it alone I was able to manage to turn things around, but it took me many years into my teens before I realize I needed someone to guide me.
It was hard to ask for help, even harder to trust people that would help you without an agenda. Mostly for my looks the guys that came into my life who was “willing” to help was only after sex, my phone number and my commitment as a girlfriend. I don’t know how many times I have to be truthful about my sexuality and reject them ruthlessly. They never seem to understand that I fall only for the same sex. I don’t display myself as a typical tomboy lesbian with short hair, even if I feel like the masculine side of me deliberately chase the girls in my life. I am feminine into my core, but I have no sense of style when I came out of the closet. I was a grey mouse who had no taste in fashion and whether those girls I met liked me or not was a mystery for me.
I didn’t talk much to anyone about anything, when it comes to my thoughts and problems, because it wasn’t easy to share whatever that went through my mind when people usually judge so fast when you share your secrets. Occasionally I would phrase myself out loud to those I really trust, but even so, I found it challenging to say whatever that comes into my mind without overthinking afterward.
I think we all have gone through the stage where we want validation and
Usually, we would put up a front and pretend that everything is fine, while internally we scream for help, and who could blame us? We who have depression and low self-esteem and are insecure can’t see ourselves as perfect, because no one has ever taught us to love ourselves and acknowledge our weaknesses as something we can work on and become great at if we can look past our mistakes and learn from them. And it was even harder when people didn’t listen, but they were more concern in talking about themselves.
But to thrive, we need to surrender. Surrender and lay down our guard and reach out for help, not just from everyone outside ourselves, but also the one whose strength has carried us so far in life—our Higher Self.
The soul wants nothing but to experience how to be a human, but our Higher Self always point the road back to self-love so the soul could shine while experiencing challenges to become the grandest version of itself.
And now as I start over, I am sure that the meaning to my life is to rebuild myself from scratch so that the foundation beneath my feet are secure and robust so that even if I bend, I won’t break. For whatever reason, the calling to help other people has become important enough to drive me further into a brighter future—there’s no meaning to life unless you give it a meaning.