“Where is the light?”
I thought with my bare eyes I could find the light that I have always tried to seek after from the outside world, but the truth is, only when I look within me I was able to find it.
The emotions that I accumulated throughout my life was finally visible; they rose up from the dark pit within my heart and made big waves throughout my body. The ache I felt in my heart, the dreadful lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach. All the pain that I felt was evidence to the toxicity I have hoarded from people and places on top of my own traumas that I used to relive so many times.
Yes, even how dark it seems to be, the feelings and the sensation we feel within us are the light to guide us through our lives. Is it not before we have process what we feel in our body and regroup our thoughts and correct our thinking—we won’t be able to have healthy boundaries and connect with other people in a heartfelt way. Our intuition and gut feeling are our internal GPS because once we believe and trust ourselves and our ability to sense the vibration around us; we will be able to feel safe in a world that we perceived unsafe.
“Tense shoulder? Are you carrying the world on your shoulder? Or burdens that seem to weigh you down?”
The world goes at a fast pace that we barely have time to listen to what our body is telling us, and we tend to ignore the nagging voice within our head that needs our attention. All the thoughts that go unnoticed entangled in one another that we, in the end, run on autopilot. Without the awareness of what we think we will repeat patterns in our lives and wonder why we always are in the same situation that goes nowhere only back to the same hurt and pain, often time we believe we are our thoughts. Only when we find stillness within ourselves and silence the mind, then, we can be witness to what we think.
Most of us become bored when there’s no plan and sudden silence that we need to find something to distract ourselves from what screams internally, so that way we don’t have to deal with whatever the nagging voice is saying or whatever that roams within our mind. It is a sure way to repress and suppress our feelings until the body could no longer take what we have been avoiding to deal with and it becomes destructive and not until we surrender to the stillness we will carry with us the pain without even knowing that we are suffering.
I agree that dark emotions are unbearable and painful as if it would shred our heart in pieces. And often time the pain of knowing that we have made so many mistakes in our lives whether we have put all our trust in someone we thought would never leave or hurt us, or because we have done something towards others that we regret—we haven’t forgiven ourselves or the other. To hold on could harm us more than when we completely let go, and to let go we need to come to terms with our feelings and acknowledge them for what they are instead of looking away from the pain we feel within.
My excursion to heal the pain and hurt within me was not done in one moment. I had my phases of repeating the mistake and relearn the lessons, and with each person I met throughout my life, or a situation I faced with triggered me so much that I had to surrender to a force that was mightier than me; love, and I found that in stillness.
Only in silence can I be myself and lay down the burden of being someone people thought I was and become who I am in my entirety that I was able to face my demons.
Most of the time when I was bedridden with the thought of taking my life and was utterly alone I cried as if someone has died, even no one has, but I felt like I was the one who will die soon if no one would come and rescue me. It scared me to know that maybe my existence doesn’t matter to anyone—I don’t belong anywhere, and I have no place in this world. It frightens me, but when I surrender to the force of love by thinking of those, I love and cared for I was able to anchor myself here. It wasn’t only because of a few of those I love that manages to root me here on Mother Earth, but also because I wanted to see through this BS that has gone for so long in the world where humanity still hasn’t wake up to what they are doing to themselves and others.
If you are messing with those I love, I will remain alive until I achieve world peace and then at least I know I have done something worthwhile, then leaving this world won’t be a regret.
The fatal diagnose I get, schizophrenia paranoia has given me a
It saddens me to know that people put labels on me for what I have been through in the past, but whether they like it or not, I will continue my work, doing as much as I can to live as an example and teach what I have learned and learn from what I teach.
Don’t neglect yourself, for what you need is not a savior, but your self-compassion, self-love, and self-care. No one will ever come and rescue you unless it’s your Higher Self who step in and ruffle your feathers and straighten your backbone by pulling you up from the neck.
No one rescues me from my own internal pain and dark emotions, I had to do the shadow work myself, and my Higher Self was there to ensure that I was safe.
If I can find my own light, you can too.