I remember that day, when she looked into my eyes and told me, “Love has no reason, love is the reason” I’d swayed and fondly thought of her secretly. Because the sweetness in her words has driven me to change, but sometimes I caught myself in being bitter and resent of the way she has treated me. It was confusing and very much frustrating. How could a person who told me over and over again how vital love was for her, but then turned and walked out of my life without saying a single word? Not even a letter to say goodbye.
Sometimes life was comfortable, I could go on and do whatever I wanted to do, but now and then I’d think of the speech she has served me back at her place, and it paralyzed me all over again.
“Darling, you’re just too perfect for me,”
“What do you mean I’m too perfect for you?” I said shockingly.
“Ah, you know, I feel like I don’t deserve to have you and I think you are better off without me.” She spoke to me with her soft and tender voice.
I couldn’t utter any more words than “B-but, but…” while looking at her all frustrated. It was then I understood that it was over. She didn’t say anything more, she just looked me straight into the eyes and made a sad face which said that there’s nothing I could say to change her mind. We were over before we even get started. You know, we were sort of together. We have been dating since ages, but never once did she wanted to address me as her girlfriend. I thought it was because she’s still not adapted to the gay world, and because she always kept it as a secret from her parents, she purposely kept it secret from every one of our friends too. I have been held aside for so long without any complaints, I felt cheated and dumped.
I was dumped, and very much suspected that she cheated on me too. After sitting there for a while and listen to a heavy silence which cut like a knife, I walked out the door like a zombie without saying goodbye or begged her to take me back. I was paralyzed over how fast it went. Our so-called two years relationship just went down the drain in no time. I couldn’t even cry or be upset over her way of breaking it off. I just went straight home and lie down on my bed with a box of ice cream I have fetched from the freezer. I was munching on the ice cream while thinking what to do next, but all I felt was anger and frustration. I thought to myself, “She will be sorry, so sorry!”
Three days later I cracked after telling myself not to bother with her anymore, and couldn’t help but call her, but she didn’t take the phone. The worst thing was, I even went over to her place, but when I rang on the door, someone else was answering.
“Hello?” It was a man voice from the caller.
“Eh, this is Emily, is Tanya there?”
“Oh, she has moved, I am the new owner of this apartment.”
“Oh, I see, do you know where she might be?” I asked him with a faint of hope that he would know, but I knew that there wasn’t any chance that he would.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know,” he said as I expected him to.
She was gone, poof, she went off like that without a single word, not even telling me that she has planned to move. In the next moment, I found myself sucking on a bottle of red wine. It was Recioto from Italy which comforted my broken heart that night. I was holding onto it as if it was my new lover. I cried over a woman who was afraid to admit that she loves another woman.
“Why did I have to meet her? And mostly why am I born gay?” I cried out and asked Recioto, the Italian bottle wine why I was gay, and as expected it didn’t give me any answer but remains silent as a bottle of red wine was meant to be. I thought it was the wine, because the next morning when I woke up, my head was spinning like a merry go round at the amusement park.
I was glad it was on a Sunday morning, not a Monday because I wouldn’t manage to go to work with a spinning head and a hangover. I kept lying in bed till my stomach growled like thunder. I wished it wouldn’t, but at last, I had to surrender, and open the fridge and eat the leftover from yesterday. I felt like a hungry kid from Africa who has never tasted lasagne before. Firstly because I didn’t care to warm it up and secondly I started to chow down the food and ate it as fast as I could. Suddenly the phone rang, and I almost jump over the bed to take it, I answered and wished it was Tanya who would say that she wants me back and that she is ready to announce to everyone that we’re together. But it wasn’t Tanya, and there was nobody who would tell me that they want me back and are ready to take things to the next level. It was my little sister. She broke the news and said to me that I am soon to be an aunt. Great, my baby sister whom I always looked after, well, not always, but for the most of the time, was now pregnant and was soon to be a mom in her twenties. It was so horrible that I started to cry. I suddenly feel so lonely and abandoned.
A couple of days later after hearing the new from my little sister, I went to visit her. I didn’t even care to turn on the phone, and all I did was having a fun week at her place. At that moment I forgot that I had a relationship with Tanya and didn’t even think that I was dumped or been cheated on. But the last day of the week when I was about to go back home, I turned on the phone and found two messages. One is from my boss and the other from, guess who, Tanya.
«Hi Emily, I’m so sorry, but can you please call me back? I want to talk to you.» I looked long and hard at the message and felt very excited, so I called her, and finally, we decide to meet up. I met her at the park where we used to go for walks. She stood there looking beautiful as always, and I forgot that we even broke up or how I hated her to break up with me and leave me so suddenly without saying goodbye. She smiled at me when I came closer.
«Hi sweets, I’ve missed you.» She said softly and looked me deep into my eyes. I tried hard to resist the temptation to kiss her and began to yell at her instead.
«Why did you move without saying anything? You didn’t even bother to take the phone or call me back!»
«I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve thought it through, and I miss you. I miss the way you make me feel.» And she came closer to me, so close that I could feel the warmth of her body.
«Are you serious? How could you said all of this all of a sudden, you were the one who wants to break up!»
«Frankly, I didn’t want to break up, but I thought I had to, because of the way I’ve been treating you, and you didn’t even complaint!»
«Oh, so this is my fault for not being demanding?»
«No, I don’t mean it that way, all I want to say is, I felt guilty for the way I acted, and I wants you to be happy and live happily, you deserve after all someone who treated you with honesty and respect.» I took a back of the things she just said to me.
«I have thought it over, Emily, love has no reason, love is the reason. And I love you!» She declared and pulled me to her and hugged me as hard as she could. I was weak in the knees and felt butterflies all over again. I just completely melted in her arms. My tears started to flow, and I surrender. I floated as she looked me in the eyes and kissed me passionately.
Yes, it was right, love has no reason, love is the reason, and that is the reason enough for me to forgive her. And I want to start from scratch with her and nobody else. This time around I will make it possible for us to have an intimate relationship without fear of losing her.