For The One I Love

With the wings of Pegasus, I delivered the treasure within my Heart to you.

The intention was to bring it with me once we meet so that I can lay it in your hands with an assurance of safety, but my patience ran out, and my pride took over.

Don’t misunderstand me when I said my patience ran out. Even how much I would stand before you and tell you what lies in there, I feel the timing of my presence isn’t ripe. Besides, I do loathe the thought that “time” stall me from bringing news of love and light.

Pride as in asking you more than three times, but still I didn’t get any answer to if you could or not, and not even a maybe “let me check if I can.” I am thoughtless, and you are not to blame for my decision of asking, and I could already calculate that there won’t be any answer given. But my stubbornness didn’t leave me alone, it whispered, “Be persistence, ask again, remember what she said the first time, or the time after that, don’t give up.”

Lately, the thought of stepping my feet into a noisy, stressful and crowded city makes me feel anxious, and my heart and my body scream in unison that it’s wise to let go of pushing anything to happen, just let go and let God.

I love you with all that I have got, also means that my pride and dignity can’t be left out. I might be meek and soft while in love, but when pride and dignity set in, mild and softness is not what you will see. I am going to let you decide the time and date when you will be able to meet me, and the best for us is for me to not asking or planning any meeting soon. I don’t have any option left since you are how you are, and it’s not like I harbor any expectation of you wanting or falling in love with me. I don’t care for any title at the moment; I just want to cherish the time I have left here with you while on Mother Earth. And to give up is not an option I would choose because choosing that option is to declare myself as someone not capable of loving. What I have learned so far in this material world is to let go, and letting go is not the same as giving up. I merely let go of control of a situation that I am not able to alter.

Everyone is asking me why I stress or rush things to happen, or why I want what I want and that I have to conform to the way things are here on Earth. Everything is moving at a speed of a snail, people procrastinate and wait for things to fall into their laps. People say patience is a virtue, of course, it’s true, patience is indeed a virtue, but do they have to belittle me and make me feel as if I am wrong in the way I pursue my goals? I’m sorry, I am not here to settle in and live to fit in a tick-tock world. Everyone thinks they have time, but I don’t believe in time, I have only faith in the living of the now moment. I live now. I can’t wait for tomorrow to live and to love or create that which is important to me.

I don’t hate anyone for how they are being. I don’t like to complain or nag. And I don’t like to invade people’s space or feel like an intruder, that’s why I decide for myself that it’s best for us if I let you choose what is best for you. Probably also because if I continue planning and asking to meet you, and you still don’t want to, or not able to give me an answer, I would feel like I am nagging which I loathe the most. At times I want to ignore it and pretend it’s fine, but I already see a pattern displaying itself. I don’t like to come out as a know it all, the truth is, I don’t know, and I dislike not knowing. If I don’t get an answer, I will make one up, and that will probably not be realistic, and I respect your privacy, I don’t want to force any change or demand you to change. Of course, you don’t have to answer me when I ask to meet, that’s why I am saying I don’t blame you for how I feel, all I am doing now is making an effort on how to flow and make it possible to stay in touch without any restriction.

It’s not that I am not able to travel without setting an appointment to meet you, but I don’t feel welcome if I go there and get no answer. It happened so many times before that I am fearful to venture down the streets of an old past and to go back home like a lost puppy with a gift in my hands. And I do not like to play a role of a stalker, or ringing on your doorbell unannounced. I don’t believe it’s romantic or respectful action towards someone I love with all my heart and soul. Whoever like this kind of stuff must watch too much Hollywood movies. What’s sweet and loving by scaring or frighten your beloved with such actions?

Sometimes when I hear people tell me that their significant other would come by their apartment during the night, lurking outside, and scream their lungs out in a state of drunkness to confess their love – made me wonder what’s romantic about such action? They woke a whole neighborhood and acted foolishly, and their words scattered, and at times they don’t even remember what they have been saying. Probably, 99.9 % of the time they even deny that they confess or blame on the liquor or something else. Their significant other might have to let them in just to quiet them down so not to make a scene or further embarrassment. But some seems to love that kind of thing, is it Hollywood dreams of romance?

At times I thought to myself, “Would the one I love like me to act like that?” But I couldn’t hold back from making a stern face and shake my head. It’s not me to do such things. Firstly I have to maintain an image of royalty, a Goddess. Second I rarely use alcohol to speak my heart, and I would not like anyone to use liquor to talk to me and third, why should I torment myself being someone I am not? I love myself too much to embarrass myself in front of my beloved. I’m sorry, I live in a world where there’s only grace and nobility. If I let myself lose control and get wasted because the one I love is how she is, and instead of taking responsibility for who I am, I would not be allowed to feel sorry for myself.

It’s reckless to be in love in such a desperate manner without having a clear mind, you know I am not able to forget, even though I have the heart to forgive myself for the action I might have done. But since it made me feel less than, or humiliated it would probably give me a nightmare for the rest of the short life I have here as a human being.

I would travel to another continent to meet you if you just say the magic word, I am very straightforward and easy to please, ask, and I will come. Nothing is more important than sitting down face to face and see you with my eyes, feel you with my heart and speak words of clarity. Of course, I also understand when you are busy or rather want to enjoy your time alone or that you are there and I am here, alas, whatever time there is I need to grasp with my hands, it’s like sand running through my fingers.

I send you this message to let you know that I am ok now with the thought of not knowing when and where to meet. I won’t ask any further of planning to meet, and I won’t be going to the big city and stop by you either because it’s like beating around the bush and having an excuse to see you. My time is reserved for you only if I ever come, and not because I am doing business there and stop by you. Because what if you can’t and don’t have the time or don’t answer or, I don’t know, imagining myself begging for your time makes me feel and think myself like a beggar, unworthy of seeing you, even if just for a brief moment. I understand you don’t intend me to feel that way, but it’s how it is. My feelings and imaginations run deep and wild.

I was torn between if I should give you a hug when we meet, or let it be something reserved for someone who wants me. Because last time you touched my face, my soul has already decided that it wasn’t just my skin you touched. It was everything that I am that you touched. I was a bit afraid to offend you that you might think I have anything against you because of what you told me. But it’s not what it seems like, and I just realize how much I honor you and love you that I want to be as pure as possible, in mind, heart, and body, any other reason is also that I want you to feel as safe as possible with me.

I announced to everyone in my life that I don’t give out hugs anymore when meeting them. I told my mom I am in love and that I am not going to live at home anymore, and I don’t want her to hug me or kiss me either. Whether it is family, best friends or stranger, I really can’t care less about how sorry they feel because I can’t live the way I used to live. To be honest with you, in my heart, I am weakest because I don’t know how to be someone I am not to please other. And it’s probably the best, and the highest good of all that I stay true to myself even if I going to spend most of my time alone, to live alone and not to tell people how I feel or what I think.

I don’t answer such question anymore, most people just beat around the bush and think by asking how I am doing, then I might give them the time to spill their lungs out. It’s fine, they can talk to me, but they don’t need to pretend that they “care” while they, in reality, want advice or just to get approval for something they have been thinking or feeling or that they only want someone to load their burdens, or sell me things. Besides, it doesn’t help them to know such information about me. Some people often tell me they have been thinking of me, meaning to ask if I am doing fine, but instead of making an effort to get in touch, they rather let it slip behind the back of their mind. How am I suppose to believe that they care? I am a bit afraid that it would be too late when one day I am not here anymore, and that time will come.

Every idea I hold in my heart and mind about my lifestyle is exclusive to you, and it’s because of you. I build my future with you in my soul, I live not for myself, I live for you, and I do live for everyone else too. I do carry out my divine mission with pride and a humble heart.

I don’t have eyes for anyone else right now because I can’t cheat myself to think that feelings aren’t there, I can’t lie to myself how am I suppose to lie to you, I don’t do white lies either. Sometimes I don’t make an effort to think of you, but you happen to be on my mind. Even if you aren’t here, I still can feel you and my soul whisper tenderly to me, Amaia, love her. Your touch has already lingered within my being, you found my soul, and now I don’t know how to repay you, but to exist as someone people going to misunderstand me for being too direct, too strict, and too selfish.

But in reality, all I am doing is to take responsibility for my happiness and balance myself, since I don’t know how else I am going to survive. I do live in a world of my own at the moment, and it’s nothing wrong with that, I am willing, at least for this one whole year, let me be selfish as to love myself selflessly.

All I know now is to live through it, whichever misunderstanding that occurs at the next moment of my life I will not stop loving because of it. I will ignore and not confront people or expose their lies if that’s what they want to do. I do understand that everyone has the right to proceed with caution, at a pace that’s suitable for them. Sometimes change doesn’t happen overnight for everyone, the greatest responsibility for me was because I did evolve over the night. And I don’t want to “try” anymore because try doesn’t help anyone. Usually, when people say they will try, they disempower themselves, it’s like a half promise to themselves, thus to the person they are looking in the eyes. You are either not ready or do it wholeheartedly, make an effort to do what you know is right for you after contemplating if you really can. Because when you say you try to be happy, to change yourself, to be a better person, and because of the word “try” there is the struggle.

Why try? Why do people “try” to live? Can they just live with all the feelings they have through thick and thin while being who they are? So ok, I won’t reject the word try, all I know is that I don’t use the word try or “have to” anymore. There’s nothing I have to do, all I know is I want to do it because I know now that with great power comes great responsibility, and I know people can too if they just change the way they speak to themselves. If they can’t, then I am willing to transmute whatever dark feelings or thoughts they hold within their minds about themselves and put my love out there, whoever caught the idea of loving and honor themselves as much as they want others to love and accept them will at least enjoy life more.

If it’s my demise, then at least I know I did make an effort and no one is to blame. No one is required to love me, or cherish me or acknowledge me, even if I am at my worst or my best. If I ever am at my worst, then I would rather be alone for myself, as to not affect anyone with the pain of seeing me suffer since they are likely going to tell me to stop crying, or talking in my ears about things I already know. Or sigh because they don’t understand what’s so difficult for me to live the way they do or want to hold me when I don’t want to feel weaker as I already feel since I would stop releasing the sadness I carry within me to make them feel better.

I don’t know if telling you all this will help.

Traveling these days by car, train or plane with a speed of low frequency makes me yawn. I yearn to teleport myself to wherever I want to go, it would save me a lot of time, and I could deliver messages of love faster in person.

I will always find possibilities to get my expression of Divine Love traveling faster to you, yes, I am impatience, because I don’t like to procrastinate once I live with passion. What I can do today, I don’t delay for tomorrow. If it happens, there will be discord and tension in me, tormenting me and disharmony would throw me off my saddle. I am sorry, this is how I am, bear with me for another moment after you unwrapped the treasure of my heart. There’s no gold or diamond. I come to you with my Queendom of Heaven, pearls of wisdom, love, and light, that’s all I have which are valuable to me than any stone or minerals in this world.

All the gratitude I hold within me for your existence, you make me wants to live as who I am, and not what people expect me to be, even if I die each night to be reborn anew.

Thank you for your kindness and patience for someone who seems to live in a fantasy world.

Ps: A song happens to play the tune of what my heart is singing for us to hear at this moment of the dawn.

Singer: Li Yu Gan
Title: Just meet you

We’re sobbing
We’re laughing
We look up to the sky to find that the stars are still shining
We’re singing
The song of time
Then we understand why we embrace each other
Because I happen to have met you
Which is why leaving my footprints is beautiful
Wind blows; flowers fall; Tears drops like rain
Because I don’t want to be apart from you
Because I happen to have met you
And leave a 10-year-wish
I think I would remember you if we meet again.

If one day I am not here in this world anymore, do your best to love every single particle in this world, look for love wherever you go and remind yourself that love is all there is and you are that love to the world. Don’t underestimate yourself, there’s light within you, let it shine, and you will be ok! At least that’s what I pray to the Universe, Gods, Goddesses and all the beloved Archangels and Angels.

If there’s anything I know to be true, is that I don’t know anything else but love.

The messenger of love.

a.a

Picture Creds: Universities Abroad

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