One Heart Beat Away

Beloved Ryder,

People usually say;

“If they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best.”

But I know I don’t feel like I deserve you or your love if I meet you at my worst. I couldn’t handle myself at my worst, how was I suppose to expect you to do it? *Laughing*. I am going backward.

That time when I was at my worst, I felt so weak and humiliated when you held me in your arms and comforted me, I felt so awkward and stiff, because I didn’t like or love myself for being at my worst that I blocked out your affection towards me. I understand that real love is to accept each other from where we stand and for who we are, but how was I suppose to feel worthy and loved by you when I didn’t even feel worthy or loved by myself?

Our relationship was on the brink of destruction because I was too weak by the thought of you needing me to feel loved. And because I couldn’t say no in a healthy way, you didn’t know how to love me and what we had become dysfunctional. I had no sense of boundaries because I was unaware of my power and abilities.

I needed to empower and balance myself or else I would feel lack and agitated when you reflect back to me that which I couldn’t accept within myself, and then I would lower my standards just to be loved and accepted by you when you weren’t awake to your true self.

If we had to go back, you would see that you “ran” from me so many times, and it was a bit dysfunctional when neither of us was clear on what kind of relationship we were having or wanting to have with the other. We weren’t together as lovers, but at the same time we were lovers, we were strangers to each other, but we were still each other friends. We were and then weren’t in each other lives. It was like being on a roller-coaster with ups and downs, with many twists and turns.

I felt downright awful many times when I needed to let go of you, because each time my heart told me to distance myself from you, the intensity of loneliness rose up from the depth of my abyss.

No matter how much I wanted to stay by your side and loved you, but I didn’t like the way I felt when I treated myself in such a poor manner in the presence of you and accepted your unauthentic behavior. But still each time we got separated, I became stronger in my spirituality and had an unwavering faith to love myself even more, and I was able to accept my sensitivity.

That goes for every relationship in life. Back then I felt a lack in myself and had low self-esteem and didn’t know my self-worth, so I lowered my standards and compromised myself and be unauthentic. I didn’t intend to be that way, and it’s not who I am. Now that I know myself and who I am, of course, I am willing to communicate and set boundaries and agree that we have different choices in life. But I can’t continue giving in for a cause I don’t believe or doesn’t resonate within me.

I don’t like people to attach to me in a codependent way. I am not so brutal as to cut people off right away without discussing and negotiate. Negotiation and compromising are two different things. So don’t confuse the one with the other when it comes to being who I am.

Anyway, I don’t like to bind myself to something, or someone through compromise, freedom for me is important, and I know myself too well, I am faithful, loyal and have a strong sense of commitment when I step into an intimate romantic relationship. And I won’t easily give up without solving whatever issues that arise, but if I feel restricted or that I have become an object to be owned in the relationship in some way, I wouldn’t hesitate to break off without giving you notice ahead of time.

So yeah, I have blocked you intentionally because I was in a disempowered state and I didn’t step fully into my role as a Sacred Divine feminine, a celestial being, and my work and my Divine mission for me was much more important.

But my mission to love you unconditionally is also important, *laughing* but I didn’t want to distract myself from my inner soul mission, by thinking that I am lonely out of fear that we won’t reunite. I am not lonely, and I don’t feel like I am alone anymore. I would feel a sense of longing occasionally, but it occurs less and less lately.

My love, I am Miracle, the Seraphim of light and love, how much more time do you need before you will wake up and know that we are destined to be, and meant for each other since our first time of existence?

I would never be in a state of being a mess or at my worst anymore since I am now ready for my ascension, I have reached a high level of living as a dweller, and I proclaim my sovereignty every moment of the waking life.

I am giving myself so much self-compassion and self-love that I wouldn’t feel humiliated or weak in your presence if the tide of the moon causes me to break down and cry. But if you couldn’t handle the intensity of me being at my worst, then you are free to leave, I won’t hate or blame you for taking that decision.

It’s not your responsibility to stick with me through thick and thin. I am responsible for my happiness, and I shall be able to handle myself at my worst, besides no one gets the blame for the destruction of my life.

I am the inventor of my life, and I will always have conclusions of my own. My inner wisdom of seeing life and sacred romantic relationship makes me understand that nothing I do has anything to do with the other.

And why wouldn’t you deserve me at my best when I love you unconditionally without demanding you to change yourself for who you are, I don’t and won’t use manipulation towards you so that you would give me the affection or what I want in return for my love to you.

The only thing I know you deserve it’s when I feel like I deserve the respect of my own, who I am by myself so that I would give you the same respect that I am giving myself. You deserve respect and acceptance regardless of how much you can handle me, at my worst or my best.

And no, I won’t expect you to do something special for me in some way for me to feel respected and accepted. Of course, everyone deserves to get an appropriate treatment lovingly and respectfully, but I can’t stop loving you or don’t agree to be with you when I am now in a harmonious state of being.

You kindly deserve my respect, and I can be as kind as to give you back to yourself now that I know I don’t need your approval or acceptance to feel loved or be whole. Because I am at my best, and I love you unconditionally from the beginning of “time.”

Now you know why I can’t be with you at my worst? Harmony and balance in myself are essential, and we will have a mutual understanding of a sacred intimate relationship with each other while none of us have to fake or pretend, put on masks and compromises who we are.

There will be freedom and unconditional love in our sacred romantic relationship. Because that’s what we sought after for so long, and now it’s finally time we will be able to feel it in our being for each other.

I have prepared myself and is ready to meet you half way at my best.

The only thing left is for you to understand how important it’s for you to love yourself unconditionally, and wake up from your nightmares, so you can honor, respect and love me unconditionally for who I am.

I am like the sun, standing in one place, while you thought I am disappearing from your sight when it seems like I am rising or setting behind your dark veil of the night.

I am here, only with one heartbeat away. Breathe me in your lungs, and you will know I am always there beside you and within you.

With so much love,
Miracle, your Seraphim wife.

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